To My Papa

I knew looking down at you lying in that hospital bed.
I knew you weren't coming out alive.
The pain I felt was indescribable.
It self like it was me dying.
Not you, not my dearest Papa.1

Seeing you wasting away, slowly fading, slowly dying.
It killed me inside.
I couldn’t stand it.
I wanted to fix everything,
Take all your pain and suffering and bring it upon myself.
But I couldn’t.2

I didn’t know what to do.
Goodbye was impossible.
I was never alone with you to say what I needed to say.
I was scared, scared of losing you.
There was still so much I had to learn from you
But I let the opportunities escape,
And not it is too late…
I had no way of talking to you,
Unless I didn’t want a response…3

I hardly shed any tears.
I knew and understood you leaving was for the best.
Everyone said it hadn’t hit me yet.
But when I did cry,
People tried to comfort me, give me hugs.
I hated it.4

You were gone.
I had to be the brave one.
The rock.
I had to hold everyone together.
I wasn’t allowed to get on with my life.
I couldn’t stand having people see me cry.
My pain wasn’t meant to be a show.5

But then one day I was out walking,
I heard a song…
I tried to talk to you.
To tell you how much I love and miss you.
That song helped me realize that even though you are gone,
You’re always here…6

I knew that whenever I needed someone to talk to,
You’d be there.
You were always there for me
And just because you’re no longer here doesn’t mean you can’t help me7

If you can hear me
I’ve got something I’d like to say,
“I miss you so much
And I’ll always love you.
You understood me when no one else did.
I have Always been proud of your bravery and strength.
But mostly I’d like to say
Thank You Papa,
I’ll see you at the end.
Where I’ll get my kiss, and my one ‘last’ hug
And there will be no more reason for goodbye…”