My thoughts, My pleas...This has been on my mind for a while

I just feel like writing. Got a lot on my mind, so I'mma just kick a few lines here. This is not for a show, this ain't for attention (trust me if I wanted attention I could get it elsewhere), but I just need to let my thoughts leak here.....1

***Attention***
It might be long, so if you don't have the time or patience, don't read this. lol2

I'm alone...like I've been alone before, yea cuz I'm an only child. I grew up without siblings, so I was the center of my moms attention. She was always wondering how I would turn out, watching my every move basically so If I made a mistake she could fix it, sometimes before I even made a mistake, it was already taken care of...Yea I would say she was protective, maybe a little too much. I barely did things other kids did...sleep overs, partying, boyfriends...but I can say anything I needed or wanted I got...I never went hungry, I never was embarrassed about clothes cuz I could get it, money was always in my pockets. She is the greatest single parent I know...but I wish a few things could have been different so I wouldn't have had to go through what I went through when I entered college...
By the time I was heading college I had already been in a long distance relationship, with a person I consider my soulmate, for a year. My love was and still is real. Like when I have a bad day, I can talk to him and forget that my day had even started out bad. We were so much like one person, that if I was thinking about him, sometimes he'd call me saying he was thinking of me too. He was first sensitive, poetic, funny, trusting, affectionate person I had met. I loved the fact that he was so tolerant of me, because I know I can be stubborn sometimes. I loved him for being so focused and considerate of me. Tall, handsome, intelligent, caring and loved being love just like me. Who wouldn't want that?
But anyway, because I was so limited when I was younger, as soon as I got that lil freedom, my mind went blank and started doing things I wouldn't normally do...I wilded out for a sec and made some terrible choices...guys along with alcohol was my downfall. 3

Dear world and that special person,4

I know I'm not the perfect person, nor am I trying to be. I never experienced much so when I got the chance I did, though it was the wrong time and wrong decision. I have learned a lot of things from these past few years about family as well as myself and the typical no good guy.
When I got with my soulmate, I never thought we'd make it this far. I thought he'd break up with me after a few months (my luck with guys are just that bad). Its like I wasn't use to communicating and conversing with someone on his mental level (he was young be knew what he wanted). He seemed perfect, like a fantasy that I could never experience. Like we were on two diff levels, where he was above me; too good for me.
My attitude was like that because my self esteem was down a little. I was insecure about my weight and personality. So many people see me as miss goody goody, miss quiet, miss golden child (why? I don't know. that takes me back to me getting what I wanted and needed from my mom when i was younger. people called that spoiled), etc. The only thing I want people to see is that I'm caring, talented, loving and HIS GIRL....
My mistakes were wrong decisions, but they were made out of the simple fact that i was experimenting, trying to learn what I should have learned and the doubt that I had because he was out of my league. I apologize for what I've done. My soulmate said there is a crack in the road and potholes get filled, but they eventually get destroyed again so you start a new road....So I say we are on new roads now, but how can we move so we're in the same direction and eventually get back on a road together and make it to the destination we both are striving for???
Nothing about the way I feel about him has changed, him leaving me showed me how much I can't maintain without him and it made me realize what I had and I don't want to lose it. I wanna start over, so it can be stronger and better...
Even though I made a mistake, TMF, you say you need someone to hold you, be by your side, ride for you and listen to you...you can't say I didn't do that. I was always ready and willing to listen and be there for you. I was willing to do anything for you, I'm still willing.
I don't wanna be like the men in my family, do things and not care how it affects the other party and the consequences. I don't wanna be a playa, I wanna be your girl again.5

Why do you think I'm trying so damn hard, and posting this as we speak??? If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't be putting myself out here on blast like this...6

And to anyone who second guess their true love, take it from me...Don't...If you really love them, don't. I did and see that I am writing a Journal entry out of sadness