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[Why AM I Still Here?]

Apathetic.
Socio-Pathic.
Yeah, That's me.
The girl who everyone knows and yet, says nothing to.
The one who gets fucked with ALL damn day, for EVERY damn thing.1

So, today was like any other day. Got maybe a half hour or so of sleep, woke up to be screamed at, went to school, got picked on by Mathew, Tyler, Travis, Justin, Lane, Joe, Zach, Mackie, Jacob...and all the others. But today was different. They didn't just get on my case about my family, and my arms, and my clothes, they decided to throw things at me, and shove me. Again. 2

My mother is still ignoring me. Too fried to remember anything I suppose. Too high to realize i'm calling, or maybe even WHO I am in the first place. Too ignorant and unfeeling to care that her youngest child needs her. Then again this is the woman that walked away from me and my brother, and never looked back.3

My real dad is ignoring me even worse than my mother. When I call, he asks who it is, then hangs up. The least he could do after abandoning me and my mother is talk to me for five minutes. Even twelve seconds. But no. He hangs up. He spends time with my sister, and grew up with her, but I call and he hangs up. Because I'M the mistake. I'm the accident. I'm the unwanted.4

Grandma...It seems like every since she took me from my mom I owe her something. Like I have a debt to pay. I mean Jesus woman, I was two and a half. I didn't ask for it. If you weren't going to want me now, why bother taking me? Why not leave me to rot? It'd be one less problem and a lot more bills in your wallet. I know you'd like that. If I was gone. If I had never been here. Because that's how you treat me. Because I can't be the size-zero, straight A student, straight edge, conforming, piece of putty you want me to be. I can't be, I won't be. I never have been. You can scream all you want, i'm still here. You can ignore me too, yeah it makes me feel unwanted, and insignificant in your eyes. But I still see you, and I know you see me. Although I wish you'd keep yelling, so I know i'm worth your time if only to scream at me and tell me everything that's wrong with me.5

All i've ever wanted is for ONE of them to love and support and accept me. But they don't. Because i'm Bi, i'm wrong. I cut, so I'm sick, I have problems and disorders so I need help. It isn't MY fault. I didn't ASK to be like this. At least I don't do coke anymore. At least I'm trying. Why can't that be enough? 6

If none of them want me...Why am I still here?

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  • JaydinC
    June 9
    Edit | Reply

    at least you don't do coke anymore...

    true, coke is bad for you, but I read some more stuff in here that might not super steller for you either.
    Mom and dad? Fuck em. If mom can't get off her shit, and dad won't even talk to you, then they're the ones with the problems so don't let them pin that on you.
    Grandma though seems more sensible, try being cool enough with her so she won't be on your case all the time. Sit down and actually have a mature talk about why you're never gonna be like the straight A types, or whatever else kinda of typeology she wants you to fit in with. Don't be all like 'I'm the wierd metal chick that no one wants to talk to', tell her you just see everything differently than the other people around you. I had to have this same talk with my parents when I was about fifteen. Things didn't change immediately, they were still uber-relgious nazis, but they at least let me wear my Tripps out of the house. Not with them, but out of the house. I could listen to my music, on headphones. So on and so forth. Just let her know in a mature way that you're different.

    If that doesn't work, go to the basement (attic, closet or other secluded room) summon a demon and instruct it to burn the house down...after you get out of the way of course. XD


  • true juggalette
    June 9
    Edit | Reply
    awww . If u lived near me u could live w me and I would take care of u and help u . U could be my roomate .

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