Rough Around The Edges

Today is my birthday. I feel so old. I mean 23 sounds young to some people, but it seems old to me, just because all of my friends are getting married or having children. I don't know why all my friends married so young. I wish they were all single like me.1

This year has been good, but rough around the edges. I didn't start off the semester well when I found out my vocal cords were hemorraged and I couldn't sing for the rest of the semester, it was very discouraging because my principle instrument is voice and I have to sing and perform in most of my classes, so I knew it would be a very stressful semester, any way you look at it. I struggled greatly through my last semester of guitar. I didn't practice enough because I was too busy working on my other projects and writing music and so on, but at the end of the semester, I worked my tail off - many blisters and calluses later, I'm quite good and breezed through my guitar profiency exam. 2

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I had a lot of family struggles this past year. Struggling with helping my parents pay the bills and working 40hrs a week while taking 18 credit hours at school and doing a practicum at a school for autism. It was very draining. I had virtually no social life. This summer, I can finally breathe. Even though I'm working over 40hrs a week and taking summer classes, I still have more time than I normally have. I'm almost completely out of debt now, and I've managed to help my parents and my siblings pay for certain things which is really important and I'm actually glad I've had the opportunity to contribute. 4

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I've had to deal with the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse all of my life, but it really crept up on me this year in particular. Waking up in the middle of the night, dreaming about him and screaming. Waking up in the middle of the night and feeling physical pain, just remembering being hurt. And then, having him (my Grandpa) come close to death several times, and trying to decide whether I could stomach his funeral, even for my Dad's sake.6

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Changing my antidepressants is always draining and unexpected results occur. But I feel like I've reached a fine medium where I'm at with them right now.8

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I gained weight earlier this year because I was having so much stress and anxiety about family, health, school, and work. But now I'm doing so much better, and have lost about 15lbs. and joined a gym and play volleyball leagues a couple nights a week (whenever I'm not working) and am eating less and eating better. So, I'm starting to feel better about myself, although self-esteem is something I always struggle with on the inside, although I look so confident and put together on the outside.10

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Overall, this year has proved to be a pruning process and I felt some ugliness being cut away, and it was a great burden lifted off of my shoulders, painful as it was.12

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I have high hopes for this year. I hope that I will accomplish everything I want to accomplish this year and make a positive impact in other people's lives and I really hope I get to do my practicum at St. Anthony's Psych Ward this fall. If I do, I will write about it on this site.14

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Mostly, I'm excited that I actually have a little free time to work on writing music, mixing it on Logic Pro and Garageband on my MacBook Pro, and writing (attempting to) write poetry.16

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Peace out. (--<)18