So Sick of Love Songs

It's another Saturday night and I am left to be my own worst enemy. And as I post this entry, I am crying . And it's possibly because of the song I'm listening to because the singer's voice evokes this response from me. Don't get me wrong, I am in love with the voice and I appreciate their work. It just pisses me off that I'm feeling like I do. It's like everytime I think I'm doing so well, something inside of me won't let me be happy. And then it's another 20 rounds of wondering what the hell is so wrong with me?1

It's not even like I'm looking for a boyfriend, but then something always happens to make me feel lonlier than I have before. I hate this because deep down, I know there isn't a thing wrong with me, but then again that's up for debate. I mean, ok, so I've been working on trying to bolster my self esteem. But anything that works is only temporary. And what the hell is up with guys? The only attention I've been getting is from married men or guys just wanting to get into my pants. WTF? Do I have something tattooed to my forehead that says make me feel more worse than I already do, hit on me if you're married or just looking for a lay? What a way to feel good about myself. And then a friend of mine decides to make it into a joke. Yeah, ha ha, that was so funny, but I forgot to laugh because I'm too busy trying to nurse my ego back to health. Way to go, genius. Then they tell me that I should take it as a compliment that married men are hitting on me, because that means that they realize that maybe they didn't look hard enough before they said their vows. Um, yeah, generally those men are unfaithful anyway. So, how's that supposed to make me feel better? Then a guy friend of mine made a comment that the guy who is trying to get in my pants should be hitting on another girl because if he were him, that's what he'd do. Ouch! Thanks for the downer. He didn't understand why that upset me. So I explained. It's not that I want the guy...God only knows what diseases he's carrying, but that comment basically made it seem like I'm not good enough to even be hit on by that guy, he should be chasing after someone better than me. Thanks, buddy. I needed to be reminded that I wasn't worthy enough to be pusued. And people wonder why I'm content crushing on celebrity males. Really, does anybody else want to take a swing at me? Kick me a little more while I'm down. It's been so bad with this lately and I'm so tired of feeling like this. I can't even write because everything that comes out onto paper sounds stupid and dumb and like I'm bitching about everything.2

I'm getting that itch again. I don't understand why I get it either, I never act on it. I'm getting that feeling like I should just pick myself up and disappear. Just drive away somewhere far from this effing city, this effing state, this effing place! And I just keep remembering that I once had a plan to travel the country, maybe others, but then I let a stupid guy interfere. The worse part of it all was that I believed that he was faithful and that he was my other half. I just kept letting myself fall for this guy's tired tricks and his sad...no, wait, pathetic charm. And he gave me a ring, he promised me forever! Here I am, alone and struggling to make ends meet. There's no money left at the end of the month for me to go anywhere or to even fix up this house I live in. I'm so busy anymore working in a place I know I am better than, but I gotta make money to live in the house and eat. And I'm stuck here, in this state, this city, this place I was once so dead set on getting away from, even if it was for a short while. And I often wonder what could have been if I hadn't met that no talent excuse for a fiance. I wonder if I would have met someone far better that didn't live here. Who knows, maybe I would have met a real crooner and by now, I could have been married happily with a family. But I will never be anything more than this, from this stupid town, sick of everything and stuck. Stuck in this stupid town, stuck in this rut and just plain stuck. Stuck listening to love songs that mockingly play over and over while everyone around me moves on and I remain the same, cold, cynical, heartbroken and alone. Stuck wondering if things will ever work themselves out while everyone around me gets married younger and younger while I keep dashing closer to 30...and soon past my childbearing years or any years that I'd be viable for anything. I'd like to say I'm so much stronger than this, but gradually I am losing faith and hope in myself and everything I once thought so fondly of. I've got to get away from here before I start to fade away. But if I'm lucky, I'll fade away until I'm nothing more than a memory in someone else's thoughts and my sould mate starts to miss me....oh and maybe God himself would wonder how he lost track of my soul....