Nightmares

i had one of those dreams .. chilling i dont remember God dammit
.. the kind of dreams i havnt had in so long.. because somehow i had perfected numbing myslef.. or i thought i had.. you know just like everything else thats cursed in mylife i can sense feel touch breath everything in my dreams
this time i woke shivering waking with tears, screaming waking to that sinking feeling.. like im falling into a blackhole devouring reminding me that it wasnt a dream but a reality.. this time i didnt scream anyones name..
no ones left really...and i refuse to be a burden
choking on my own fears ... lost in a spur of dark faces i dont remember but i can still feel the bullet i was shot "again"... and i swear this time it was real.. but maybe it was just a relived memory.. i dont remember and i hate myself fro even trying to remember... why did He let me live over each time... ive grown old yet these nightmares still haunt me..
one of those dreams.. ahh God why...
sorry God this time i cant write. this time im not writing a letter to you.. this time i cant go back..