Lately I have been feeling down. Lately as in the past few months.
I can't say why I've been feeling down but I have and I am rather sick of it. Actually, I'm just sick of everything right now. I'm sick of being ignored and sick of being sad and sick of being too scared to speak up in a non-electronic form. About that last one: I really want to be friends with someone but they hate me and the only way I can talk to them is by text or a message online because I'm too scared to speak to them but their hatred and ignoring me just makes me want to go fall asleep somewhere and never wake up (and no, I am not suicidal). I am just that pathetic that I can't talk to someone in real life. Wow.
And just for the record, I would never be able to say any of what I'm saying right now off this website.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, who can't even talk to their own friends about stuff? What kind of person can't even tell their parents how their day went?
I belong in a freaking mental hospital because I obviously need help. Every time I get home, my parents ask how my day was and I say fine. They ask what did I do and I always say nothing. If they force me to say what I did, then I give them a complete summary of every single class because I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I never know what I'm supposed to say. And if I ever do know, then I'm too scared to say it.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in the world. Okay, not really sometimes, more like all the time. I thought after being confirmed (sacrament of initiation into the Catholic church) I would finally feel like I belong somewhere, but I didn't. I felt like that for maybe ten hours and then I started to float back down to reality. Back down to where I don't belong. I mean, how can I say I belong as a Catholic when I can't even stay faithful? Because now I'm at this point where so much crap has happened (and not happened) that I am not sure if I even have any faith anymore. I'm having a lot of trouble with God right now and I am always angry and bitter and depressed, and sometimes I get these violent impulses that I usually ignore and if I don't then a grotesque image of some violence occurring gets in my head. Life has driven me to the point where I don't know if I want to believe in a God that can do this to people. I've been at that point a hundred times and I'm done with it.
I am sick of everything and I needed to vent and I actually hope people don't read this whole thing but whatever. I'm sick of being ignored and sick of being too scared to talk and sick of feeling like I don't belong. I want to be normal.
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Belonging is overrated. Who cares. I give summaries of classes to my parents sometimes. No big deal...and a lot of people have trouble with faith and everything...it happens. And a lot of people also get violent impulses and images in their heads...just something else that happens. You can talk to me buddy.
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Sorry.. I read the whole thing. lol I would try to say that I completely understand and everything.. but I don't. But that doesn't mean that I'm normal, or that you aren't. Everybody has something that they struggle with, and this just must be your thing. Being introverted isn't necessarily bad, like that quote looked at it as a beautiful thing. But, at the same time, you should try to connect with people. I know that's hard, but the more you practice, the easier it will be. Not everybody will respond positively, but you are the one who decides how you react to that. Maybe you could start with your parents. They tend to make you feel awkward, yes. I do understand that one. But maybe try being a bit more open with them at times would be a safer place to begin. I am always here for you.. I know I'm weird.. that I rant about dumb things that probably don't really matter to anybody but me, and that I am so forgetful. But.. if you consider that.. you don't have anything to lose by saying something that may be stupid to me cause I'll probably forget it in like five seconds or say something even dumber within 10. lol
Don't give up on God. I get frustrated with him at times too.. I just don't understand why things are the way they are. But I just keep hanging onto the fact that he has a better plan that I do. And just because I don't understand it, or know any of it, doesn't mean that it's not there. That's where the faith does come in. You just have to have it, cause if not.. you really will lose it someday. Pray about those things.. all these things in your head and in your heart. I can almost assure you that you won't receive immediate answers.. but you will find some eventually. Just hang on until then
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I understand what it feels like to feel like you don't belong. I hope things get better for you, Nick-kun. I don't have any solutions for you, and I'm sorry I can't really do much to help. If you need anything, you know where to find me.
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