Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

My Myspace Sexes Yours (Slam Poem)

If sex was a bulletin we'd all be sluts

marking each other's boxes in xyz-

PDQ?

Nah, we don't need to examine,

everyones' pants are down.

looped around ankles as we

trip over our internet connection.

 

But that's okay, we still have foreplay:

 

    Your favorite color?

        Purple.

    Yeah, that's the spot.

    Are you missing anyone?

        Kinda...

   *Moans*, you drive me insane...

 

As questions stimulate answers

and arousal is played out in a game of 20 questions

-or was it 30?-

I begin stroking my ego before you

recorded live on a bulleted webcam.

Myspace never felt so sexy.

 

But we must be careful.

If you don't wear your firewall you might catch something

STD's blistering on the screen

as your laptop goes black from the strain.

But don't worry, Dr. Norton can sort this out,

his anti-virus protection is cheap in this digital age.

 

And after you're all suited up

I'll take you on a date

guarenteed to raise your satirical libido

as we spam youtube, and facebook;

My status as your pickup line.

 

I'll leave wall posts,

you'll leave comments

and our union will electrify.

Words like tongues

swapping saliva as we French...

our introductory messages.

 

    Oh lalala, mon cheri.  Je m'appellee Marie.

 

    Enchanté, vous etes magnifique! 

 

But our static lives are far from introduced.

while photos and blogs shake hands 

one can only question the validity of our knowledge.

Who are you really?

And who am I?

 

With a newfound paranoia

we quickly depart each other's company

like waking up the next morning after too much wine

and not enough sobriety.

Treading lightly, so as not to wake the other up.

 

As we gather our wits and turn on our respective interfaces

we do not stop to consider

we act

 

    Your favorite color is? 

Author notes

First of all, this is a slam poem, meant to be read aloud and performed. So bear in mind that this is a vocal piece. But I am looking for critical opinions if you please. Though any comments are nice. *Smiles*

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 91 of 91
  • ~ Since I am a person on all those sites... and quite familiar -- minus doing the activity your describing... but aware of others who do... made this a funny enjoyable read...

    Awesome job ~ I enjoyed it! ~ Thanks so much for sharing it with me ~ it was a welcome pleasure to read and review your work.

    Best of luck to you!
    Florida Sunshine
  • Okay I promised to give you a better comment!!

    I don't read stuff out loud, generally speaking, but I actually find this fine to be read in my head...
    You are witty & were probably grinning with yourself when you wrote this!!

    "If sex was a bulletin we'd all be sluts"
    Yes, this is a good beginning for sure. Captures one's attention...I disagree that everybody could be such a ho, but hey...to each his own<--I only say this to talented people.

    "everyones' pants are down."
    " everyones' " should be==>everyone's
    'everyone' already implies well...everyone LoL so yah.



    "But that's okay, we still have foreplay:"
    LoL

    "Your favorite color
    Purple.
    Yeah, that's the spot.
    Are you missing anyone?
    Kinda...
    *Moans*, you drive me insane..."
    Personally, I think online relationships are a bunch of bullshit...
    But yes, the whole favorite color thing is a nice parody of the lame stuff people learn about each other w/o ever meeting each other face-to-face...
    I believe in online friendships though

    "I begin stroking my ego before you
    recorded live on a bulleted webcam."
    Ahahahahaha!!!
    I don't believe in webcam either.

    STD's==>STDs
    Because it's not possessive of anything & you're talking about more than one.

    "I'll leave wall posts,
    you'll leave comments"
    How true that is...applies to Facebook.

    "static lives are far from introduced."
    Again, how true that is!! Love the way you used 'static'.

    "Your favorite color is?"
    You remind us of the earlier stanza...nice. Smooth ending, even.



  • m'appellee==>m'appelle...you typed an additional 'e'

    new found==>newfound<--is one word

    I'll be back for a better comment...I have to sign off soon, sorry!

  • This was awesome. Great job...


  • Ho74pp1eP1e
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    I thought it was great!!!!!!!!!!!! so true too.


  • Melodies silver member
    July 19

    Edit | Reply

    One of the best slams I've read, ever...

    Smiled throughout and thought "OH MY GOSH" and "WOW" and wished I could give you something like an electrified volt of appreciation through my computer. I am still smiling and admiring. lol

  • This is a real cool poem. I am not a myspace junkie. Too many sickos on that site. This poem made me laugh. LOL Enjoyed the read! Thank you for entering my contest.
  • WOW!!! wonderful
    I'm not a myspace junkie
    but loved the little teasings
    Roses to you

    Teresa

    . Rewarded 4


  • Nam
    June 8

    Edit | Reply
    "I'll take you on date" - I think you're missing "a" between "on" and "date".

    "guarenteed to raise your satirical libido" - "guarenteed" would be "guaranteed".

    Yes, even online we can get crabs.

    A good poem that you have written here.

    -Nam

  • malkinpuss gold member
    June 7
    Edit | Reply

    awesome!

    Absolutely loved this! very creative, funny, true, sexy, silly ...so much lof real life is in this!


  • BrokenMind
    June 5
    Edit | Reply
    OMG WTF BBQ! lol nice


  • Sonofdead
    June 4
    Edit | Reply
    LMFAO!!! That is really cool. Good luck.
  • also, when you read this...I hope you read the French part with an extremely exaggerated accent.... I think that would add a perfect touch...thats how I heard it in my head LD
  • BRAVO!

    hahhaha I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! and the French in the middle is so great! It most definitely need to be read aloud...and I can almost hear the tone it should be read it..its so genius...and leave it to you to add some amazing sensuality to it...
    "everyones' pants are down.
    looped around ankles as we
    trip over our internet connection."....great lines you are a master of that, you know....
    "photos and blogs shake hands"...such a great line!
    this poem is amazing, in the truest meaning of the word....not the empty definition it is lately associated with! Applause for you!!
    have you read this aloud yet? I'm sure it would go over brilliantly...I was laughing really loudly as I read this...my roommate was looking at me funny hahaha
    Que bueno my friend, que bueno!

    . Rewarded 8


  • Ryno
    May 22

    Edit | Reply

    8.9

    I really enjoyed the metaphors and similes in this one - obviously they were cool and added a lot to the piece.

    Even though I wasn't even in the first round before I got the boot - I think that since I last read you you've improved very well

    Humourous - yet oddly has a good message. Perfect dosage.
  • 9.4

    The Internet has introduced new ways to communicate, both wonderful and devious. I loved the interplay between computerspeak and physical dating, particularly the innuendo of French.
  • That was magnificently written!

    Applaud-Applaud-Applaud!
    That was magnificent!
    I read it outloud and my husband dropped his jaw!
    wow! that was powerful and clever...really contemporary!
    loved it!
    great writing, way to write!
    ears/Seattle

    big thankyou to Never-Fall-in-Love-Again poetess
    who referred us to this poem!
    masterful piece of poetry!

    . Rewarded 6


  • Cinnarry gold member
    May 22
    Edit | Reply
    9.1

  • blackday
    May 21

    Edit | Reply

    9.7

    I actually LOL-ed this time 'cause it's the story of my life. Thanks a lot, Marty. ya betch. hahahaha
  • 9.3

    Wonderful word play here and points well made! This read like music and really examined so many facets of internet relationships so well. Wonderful!

    . Rewarded 4


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    May 21

    Edit | Reply
    This was just marvelous, totally in, with wonderful play on words and phrasing. This was a gem to read, I would love to hear this performed, it has a wonderful tempo and meaning that resonates with society today. I give this one a 9.3

    . Rewarded 4


  • cgirl0410
    May 20

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, that was brilliant. I love the play on words. And the way you intertwined so many of the internet fads to day. Myspace is a lot like sex. LOL. People put the most provocative pictures of themselves online. Me? LOL. I have a picture of me and my husband. Trust me, myspace is not the place to find your soulmate. LOL. Great piece. Very thought provoking. Good luck in the contest. - cgirl0410

    . Rewarded 8

  • hehehe

    that was so fun and ohh so true..

    i'm just sad to not hear you speak this in person.
    no critical opinions I enjoyed it, thanks 4 sharing.

    . Rewarded 4


  • Swangrnv
    May 19

    Edit | Reply

    Very good

    I like this new age, enternet as a stage play on the battle(daily) for sexual satisfaction! it's clever and makes alot of valid points, and the french part was hot! l.o.l. overall a solid piece!

  • You have an intriguing mind, very few of those left. LOL! Love this.

  • sexieblacc
    May 19
    Edit | Reply
    WOW....this is the best write i've read by far. lol

  • Thanks for sending me here Dez (secberm)! This is Slamming!

    No need to explain the form to me. You did the Internet composition of our time poet. Imagine someone reading this poem 10, 20 years from now? There is a well of information posted here, you kicked age knowledge, an echo of "beat" fused into this fine crafting of literary art...

    I give you a huge "true 'dat"!

    I 'd love to hear this flowing from your voice box but I always read poetry aloud so, in a way I already did!

    Love the title!

    I wish you the best in the challenge. It will be stiff, and judged harshly but fairly.

    Much Love ♥

    Renee


  • moluv10
    May 19

    Edit | Reply
    I like this a lot! I can see it being performed. Great expression here. Best of luck in the contest.


  • blueyez
    May 19

    Edit | Reply
    hahaha!!!! This is off the hook and I can imagine it bein read aloud. Well done!
    Peace and Love

  • GreenHrtPaleMoon

    Nice job with this You might want to mark it adult though Good luck in the contest.


  • secberm
    May 19

    Edit | Reply
    F'n A, poet. This is fricking impressive and I am not easily impressed. Love the content, what this addresses... Some poets hit by mistake. I'm guessing yours is intentional. For those who don't get it, forget them. Too dense, too selfish, too... Whatever. Excellent. (You just made my day!) Hell of a piece. Write on. One.

    Dez

  • *joins the fan club*

  • it makes a good point, but honestly my first reaction having finished it was "so what?" while it showed insight into the situation, it just comes off as being written for the hell of it. i mean, where is the significance?
  • Haha, this is definitely different but I surprisingly liked it. I would really like to hear it live, also. I'm sure it'd be a great show Good luck in the contests
    Jeanette*~

  • LOVELY!
    I WOULD love to hear it being performed
    but i gotta go
    but beautiful job

    ..Simply Me♥

  • De-Throned
    May 18

    Edit | Reply

    Great Write

    Ha i found this quite hilarious. My favorite part was the stanza with dr. norton in it. I found this to be a well thought out peace. Even before i read your author comment, I found i was visuallizing a guy saying this loud and pronounced. This is definatly one of those poems that can be read outloud and be enjoyed. I love the metaphors in this, if you meant to or not, they are still there. But anyway, great job on this poem i am still giggling about it. Have a great day.
    De-Throned

    . Rewarded 8

  • Interesting style. I have never seen this for. I was hoping this was a piece of garbage so I could a rather rude message and watch as you try to defend yourself. Unfortunately, that won't be the case.

    I loved the ending, it proved your point most effectively. Good job with the indentations, they show that you know how to be effective in writing.

    . Rewarded 6

  • I love this! It would be so amazing if heard out loud! The entire twist is fantastic! Fabulous write. Best of luck to you in this contest.

    . Rewarded 4


  • jcat gold member
    May 18

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant!!! Brilliant!!!! Brilliant!!!! I have never been one to understand the whole cybersex realm or the myspace thing!!! I get all weirded out if someone tries talking to me on line cause me mind starts going into conspiracy theory mode!!! Besides that....call me old fashion but I prefere to have a warm body next to me, not an over-heated hard drive!! I found this to be very funny and quite refreshing..... Bravo!!!

    . Rewarded 8

  • This is really funny and ironic, and true, though I do love Myspace =]

    Stay sick.
    xx Sin


  • MaybeNever
    May 18
    Edit | Reply
    you did a great job of getting your point across

  • Dorick
    May 18

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing!

    Though cut some of the long lines out of the middle, like the ones around Dr. Norton, make them shorter.

    . Rewarded 4

    • I was just telling someone else that this kind of has to be read out - it's the point of slam poetry. So the lines that are long are just said that way, if I make sense
  • I found this both witty and overlong. I think that the first six stanzas were very effective but the moralising last three were unnecessary, like a clumsy end on what is otherwise very light, not that they are clumsily written but they spell out the meaning of the poem quite clearly, reducing the scope of the reader to fathom their own meaning. On the other hand, to end the poem on the exclamation mark of the "vous etes magnifique" i think would be ineffective. On the whole, however, I found this refreshingly witty and profound
    • It's actually shorter than it needs to be, a slam poem can be upto 3 minutes read out long and this isn't supposed to be read, but performed. Maybe if you read it out loud rapidly, it'll not feel clumsy - hope that helps
  • Lots of comments, so if I were to comment I'm sure what I say would have already been said. Well, probably not actually because my comments are never that relevent. I think this is a excellent poem, but am far too tired to want to explain why =] thanks for sharing

  • hahahhahahhahahhaha.lol. I dont have a myspace but ive heard its pretty addicting.This was really funny and a great comparison.

  • Forever--x
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    To be honest, I really enjoyed the content of the poem, but not the way it was written. Poetically, I think it could have flowed a lot better, but the humour in your words is hilarious.

    ***If sex was a bulletin we'd all be sluts***

    That line intrigued me, though it was really the title which capture my attention.

    One slight typo in the line
    ***Tredding lightly, so as not to wake the other up.***

    Tredding should be treading.


    Keira
    -- pink.glitter.heart
    • Thank you very much for finding the typo. I blushed that I didn't see it myself. *laughs*
  • hilarious.

    this is hilarious.
    the beginning was the best, then it slowly started to lose its meaning.
    my favorite part was:


    looped around ankles as we

    trip over our internet connection.



    But that's okay, we still have foreplay:

    . Rewarded 4


  • JT Sammer
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my goodness, I was cracking up laughing right after the first stanza and for the rest of the poem. My four month old who was sitting on my lap as I read this to her outloud she was cooing and giggling, great write! Peace n' Love, JT and Alexa

    . Rewarded 4

  • (pink)

    This has got to be one of my personal favorites FOR SURE...not of yours either...I mean on THIS ENTIRE site.

    I LOVE this. So incredibly clever....however, more than clever.... it is TRUE! TRUE! TRUE!! I have read this so many times and made all my friends read it (especially the known MySpace whores, lol) and in my opinion its sheer genius.

    Your favorite color?

    Purple.

    Yeah, that's the spot.

    Oh my....I nearly pee'ed that line cracked me up so much...then I kinda lost track on the rest of my favorite lines as there were SOOOOOOOO many.....

    Damn! I know you like critical comments....but you need to lower your quality if you expect that out of me. WHAT here can be better?? This should be on the MySpace home page.

    If you get any bad comments on this let me know because I will kick some ass. To say I enjoyed this read is quite the understatement. This is solidly bookmarked!! EXCELLENT!!!

    Jamie

  • Very clever, very clever indeed!!!
    well written, witty and makes you think, great combo

    xx

  • A very witty and clever piece about the strange new sexual playground of the internet. Your metaphors are satyrical and you play on the truth of these situations well, the pretensions and false intimacy that develops at the speed of a touch button rather than the time taken to develop real relationships.

    'But our static lives are far from introduced.

    while photos and blogs shake hands

    one can only question the validity of our knowledge.

    Who are you really?

    And who am I?'


    I particularly liked the piece regards foreplay, after all who needs it or has the time with so many to play with?!!!

    . Rewarded 8

  • My fav color is blue It's a good idea to have Dr. Norton check for computer viruses. Watch that hard drive boot up Haha.

    . Rewarded 4

  • Pink

    I thought it would be rude not to answer your question.

    I think the poem is entirely appropriate, considering all the things that can go wrong on the interent. It was clever, and witty, and bordered completely hysterical. The only thing that prevented it from reaching that was the fact that the paranoia that you spoke of in the end of your piece is very real and should be heeded.

    However, the rest of the poem was so ridiculous in its' satire and reality that I lol'd.

    I don't get the Dr. Norton thing though. But other than that, it was a great poem to read on a lazy Saturday afternoon for a laugh. ^_^
    • Norton Anti-Virus is a form of, well, virus protection. I was trying to play up the idea of the doctor and treating your computer with such programs. *Grins*
  • Clever and witty, with the whole "Dr. Norton" thing.. Haha..

    I have to say, I really like this poem!!
  • ha. this is great. soooo clever.
    i really like "we quickly depart each other's company like waking up the next morning after too much wine and not enough sobriety."

    . Rewarded 4


  • LadyUnique silver member
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    very clever i enjoyed this


  • Perception silver member
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    Very funny write... And very nicely done. I thought you penned this very well, and just didn't forget about the actual writing just to be funny.
    I really like how this one was done -- very funny

  • DrkPoet
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    This was awesome. I can't say anything critical about it because it flowed well and had great humor throughout so you really don't need to change or improve on any part of it. Also I think the last line was a spectacular way to end it.

  • This was indeed hilarious. Great write

    Love D.L.

  • this poem is so greats. its so funny. i would never thought of writing a poem like this, but you rocked it out.

    . Rewarded 4


  • QuietPort
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    This write made me smile and chuckle. Very clever and amusing! There were so many lines in this write that I enjoyed it would be hard to pick one. Well Done and thanks for sharing

    . Rewarded 4

  • wow. something a lot of us never had the guts to say.

  • penman gold member
    May 16
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Oh my this is so amazing. So full of laughs. Thanks for sharing.


  • islekine
    May 16
    Edit | Reply

    Tres bien!

    Bravo!
    This is great...I'm still laughing...
    Write on!
    *PEACE*

  • No comment.

    Don't change a thing! I can't think of anything e