A mothers sly deception leaves a puzzled son in agonizing perplextion
As he gazes into indignant eyes that were once sweet
They now burn with a repugnant fire revealing her souls true desire
They call him a liar and stare at him like a person incomplete
Eyes that don't see him glare at him like a person incomplete
Only silence can save him from their heat
Detrimental words dipped in honey, deleterious clouds made to look sunny
From charming and affectionate lips that effortlessly curse
She can make him feel like a precious locket dropped into a forgotten pocket
He'd feel like an empty socket as she'd say, "You're like a bottomless purse."
Yet he'd forever store all her evil words cause he was her bottomless purse
Only silence can save him from feeling worse
Gentle fingers clutch a hostile belt causing hurt in places he's never felt
He realizes that she consciously wants him to feel pain
This he knows cause on her angry face it clearly shows
And as her blows fall like precipitation she screams, "You're driving me insane!"
As her loving blows kiss his back, she screams, "You're driving me insane!"
Only silence can save him from the rain
Because of how his heart had bled into a profound silence he fled
In a desperate attempt to stop the pain, he cut off all emotion
And in the delusory he found quiet peace, all his feelings began to cease
His soul crumpled in a crease as the world lost all living motion
His soul took wheezing breaths as the world lost all living motion
Only silence saved him from its fetal potion
Author notes
Big Jara. This is the first poem that i have written about me personnally. Its about my relationship with my mom.
This stlye of poetry is based off of edgar allen poe's poem the raven.
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A contest entry
- Life Sucks (rounds contest) by SoftlyScreaming.
600 points, ended July 12, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme and Flow part 9 Feelings - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended September 7, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please, I want your honest feelings about this poem.
Comments
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hi
i used the raven scheme, too
check it out
you can e=mail rsvp to
compro7@earthlink.net
i would like your opinion
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2029679 -
It's a shame, for lack of a better word, how innocent, trusting children are at the mercy of adults and their moods. Adults have their own problems and mental illness to deal with, when will they learn to not take it out on their own children?
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i understand this all too well... i know you don't know me and probably never will... but my heart goes out to you. this is a great piece of writing and you deserved better...
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not good
for me,
poetry is to reflect postive feeling
i don't like this
even if you felt a need to express negative emotions
how could you not end it with
"but i still love my mom"
you have inspired me to write something beautiful about my mom
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Thanks for your comment and i totally understand what you mean.
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Excuse me?
This is an artistic outlet, not a letter to Mommy. Poetry is a great release of negativity. Hell, even if it were a letter to Mommy, she should still be made fully aware of the damage done once for every time the memory and thus painful feelings come up, so that if she did ever have another child, she'd know DAMN well how much it messes a person up. Even if in a single conversation thirty years down the road, you don't want her bragging about how great her kid turned out by being a horrible parent, or using "tough love" as it's often justified as, to a new and impressionable parent. If at the moment that this were written love for one's mother was just not a thought that had crossed the mind of the author, would you have them lie so that the reader could still have a happy ending? Would then the art not be perverted by the expectations in content, like any of the films or Lifetime specials popular amongst the sort of fascist sheep that vote based upon political advertisements? Sometimes, people do have extremely horrific childhoods, and don't get to live in quite the same euphoric states of mind that those who were able to escape their childhood without being institutionalized due to the shattering of their psyche because of events you couldn't possibly comprehend can. More often than not, those people grow to be twisted or generally unhappy individuals, unless they are able to exorcise a good amount of that hurt through an emotional outlet, such as the arts. If you want to live in a fairy tale where no one needs to deal with their shit in an appropriate manner, go stick your head in the sand. I, for one, will encourage someone to do things like this when the urge comes along, so that they can deal with trauma in their own terms, rather than have it come up unexpectedly, and in a bad way, years down the road. I will also encourage those individuals to drive miles in to the mountains, find a nice little place out of the way, and scream and cry away the more forceful of the most prominent of these emotions. If absolutely necessary, I will also encourage individuals with absolutely nothing to live for to live in the moment, for the moment, for things that they may have to battle later in life, like drugs. Drugs kept me from suicide for a few years, making the world just bearable enough to suffer through until I was able to get out of that horrible situation, do some healing, and move the fuck on. I write negative poetry every once in a while. I used to write a lot of it, but there is positive poetry, too, though and I'd wager that the author does write some positive poetry, too, but I'd understand if they didn't, because sometimes an artistic outlet is only necessary when you're hurting, and you don't feel like sitting indoors typing when there are friends that could be waiting to hang.
What you write is your poetry. This is somebody else's, and this somebody is someone that I don't know, but whose writing skills I respect very much, and I respect very few writers. The next time you criticize a piece of art, please take care to do it respectfully, constructively, and on HOW it was written, rather than the subject or perspective, because, quite honestly, even if you are a positive person, that was one of the most callous things I've read in a long time, and perhaps it is people like you that should have been the ones to have suffered in my place, and in the places of those like me as a child, who were sensitive to others' (and our own) thoughts and feelings BEFORE shit went down, so that we could live in a world of respectful and thoughtful and considerate individuals who know what it is to suffer, and know how to show a little respect for a subject as obviously painful for the author as this.
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I liked this the way you put so much thought into this was perfect an make sure you keep up the good work.
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In all fairness I read it twice but I think the way you used such big words and weaved them into the poem was a great job. I can feel the hurt he suffered at his mother's hands. I can feel the pain, the agony as the belt hit him again and again. I think it is awesome.
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A mothers sly deception leaves a puzzled son in agonizing perplextion
As he gazes into indignant eyes that were once sweet
They now burn with a repugnant fire revealing her souls true desire
Gentle fingers clutch a hostile belt causing hurt in places he's never felt
He realizes that she consciously wants him to feel pain
This he knows cause on her angry face it clearly shows
And as her blows fall like precipitation she screams, "Your driving me insane!"
As her loving blows kiss his back, she screams, "Your driving me insane!"
Only silence can save him from the rain
His soul took wheezing breaths as the world lost all living motion
Only silence saved him from its fetal potion
thos were my favorite lines...so expressive and nicely worded. I respect following EAP's certain Raven poem, as that's one of my favorites he's done! Interesting poem to follow....but very nicely done -
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thanks for the comment
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Great conveyance of emotion. "Your" is to be used in the mine/ yours context. You should use 'you're' in this situation. Looking over the other poem briefly, I see that spellchecking might be a good habit for you to get in to. Great imagery. Your punctuation is damn near complete in both poems, but lacking sentence enders. Due to the maturity of your poetry, I'd suggest adding those, that they might be taken as seriously as possible. It's messed up, but a lot of people look at a profile before looking at a poem, and so I suggest taking your age off as it does open the door to have people walk all over you while using an authoritative tone. "Delusory" should be 'delusion' unless you are doing that on purpose for dramatic effect. Use 'quiet' instead of "quite". A spellcheck wouldn't have caught that. The last line for a poem meant to spark intense emotion without trying to get the reader to wrap their brain around some huge concept should be a moving piece of imagery or the sincerest of confessions or something of that sort. How it is now makes the reader wonder what is in the fetal position, and how the fetal position could harm him. Great third person perspective. Great rhythm and flow. Great structure. It's unusually creative and self-sustaining in its adherence to its own structure, so great job on that. Your repetition for dramatic effect was excellently placed. Your storytelling of the sequence of events was very interestingly written, keeping the readers' collective attention the entire way through without losing them on mundane details or an unnecessarily slow pace. You've great potential. Check out Narcissus Awakening. You might want to give Adam or Imagination a quick glance, as well, to see some unusual formats that might inspire your creativity to greater heights than you are even now at.
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i found it pretty big write but worth a read.
i also liek the third person view or naration style of this poem.. as some 1 is narating your feelings to me.
i liked this line
"She can make him feel like a precious locket dropped into a forgotten pocket"
the symbolism of the locket in a pocket some how blends very well.
also the last three lines of the poem.
i also see that you have lot of hope on this write or its very persoanlly emotional as it is posted it in many contest..
best of luck for it.. its a nice write
regards
abuyi
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potent words on a serious issue. Sometimes the mental abuse is the worst of all...
I've no idea how to respond the the rest as I've been blessed with a wonderful mother. All I can say is hang in there and with the grace of God, things may get better -
Beautiful and poignant
I loved this! Also... I picked up the style right away/ so good work on that... I can definitely see the raven by poe in this format... as for the story behind the poem... I can understand comepletely about that.. my mother is mentally ill although she wouldn't believe it... or admit to it.. but she is like Dr Jeckly and Ms. Hide.. oh my gosh... you just gave me an inspiration to write a poem, with that title... I hope you don't mind that... well anyway back to your poem... it was lovely and I liked your use of phrasing... very nice -
Amazing
This poem is well written. It is so touching to read.
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Your Silence is now broken, Be free and live well!!!
Clearly you were dealt a crappy hand in your early life. Unfortunately we don't learn and grow without pain. You sound like a very strong person. You have learned something from your past which in itself is a huge accomplishment. You know her behavior was wrong,forgive her and move on with YOUR life. Live well and be at peace. You are a survivor.
Writing like this will help you and others.
Thanks,
RedSnow
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thats whats up... i like this... almost what im looking for, but not quite.. i was looking for a specific event that happened to make you want to kill yourself, but this is close enough... you had the imagery and thats one of the things that matters.. you had the passion and the drive to write this and it turned out very well - good luck in all of the contests
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so do i make it to the next round or do i need a new poem?
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Amazin!!
Amazin write...!! from the very fact that you have bared you soul thru your words.. to the very style of writin.. it all jus amazin!
The style of rhymin u have chosen is quite tough, for me anyway, but u have pulled it off with ease..!! n i cudnt find a single spellin or grammatical error...!
so all in all... this poem comes close to being perfect... even the words u have chosen fit in perfectly!
on a personal note, im sorry u go thru all this... u r very strong.. n m glad poetry is the medium u have chosen to vent... hope all works out for you, u can mssg if u ever need to talk..
Thanks for sharin this..
Ruu!!
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Painfully Magnificent
Eddy honey, this as a poem is beyond my words can ever express how wonderfully written brilliant masterpiece this is... The choice of words forming a strong foundation structure that sure can stand any winds of any contest and stay put without even swaying once. This is very well penned poem and is definitely for sure a winner to me through and through for it has come from the depths of your heart dripping with painful heartfelt feelings and emotions that speak for themselves... Still good luck to you in the contests. You are a very talented writer and keep it nourishing and let it flourish and reach for the skies... take care hun Minoo
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wow
This piece is simply amazing to me..I never ever understand how a loving hand could harm a child even more so why?...I think it takes great strength to do what you have done here..you really put it out there for everyone to see..Perhaps you are far more wiser than I could ever be...A true poet with an amazing heart..
Peace be with you...
~A~
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