A mothers sly deception leaves a puzzled son in agonizing perplextion
As he gazes into indignant eyes that were once sweet
They now burn with a repugnant fire revealing her souls true desire
They call him a liar and stare at him like a person incomplete
Eyes that don't see him glare at him like a person incomplete
Only silence can save him from their heat
Detrimental words dipped in honey, deleterious clouds made to look sunny
From charming and affectionate lips that effortlessly curse
She can make him feel like a precious locket dropped into a forgotten pocket
He'd feel like an empty socket as she'd say, "You're like a bottomless purse."
Yet he'd forever store all her evil words cause he was her bottomless purse
Only silence can save him from feeling worse
Gentle fingers clutch a hostile belt causing hurt in places he's never felt
He realizes that she consciously wants him to feel pain
This he knows cause on her angry face it clearly shows
And as her blows fall like precipitation she screams, "You're driving me insane!"
As her loving blows kiss his back, she screams, "You're driving me insane!"
Only silence can save him from the rain
Because of how his heart had bled into a profound silence he fled
In a desperate attempt to stop the pain, he cut off all emotion
And in the delusory he found quiet peace, all his feelings began to cease
His soul crumpled in a crease as the world lost all living motion
His soul took wheezing breaths as the world lost all living motion
Only silence saved him from its fetal potion
Author notes
Big Jara. This is the first poem that i have written about me personnally. Its about my relationship with my mom.
This stlye of poetry is based off of edgar allen poe's poem the raven.
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A contest entry
- Life Sucks (rounds contest) by SoftlyScreaming.
600 points, ended July 12, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme and Flow part 9 Feelings - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended September 7, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please, I want your honest feelings about this poem.
Comments
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Well done Poet!!!
Exellent! It flowed with infinite grace and power.
Stretched my minds eye across the entire spectrum of feelings expressed, emotions, and soulful expressions of the spiritual damage. I'm sure this was so hard to write! It seems you have devulged the essense in pen.
Screaming metaphors and poetic device.
Smooth as honey.
Brava!
With much respect,
Justified Inc.
This deserves the Gold and more.
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Good write.
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I really like it. I have never been in that position before but when I read it I was. So, great job! You have a talent, don't ever forget that.
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wow very interesting ...especially since you did a scheme like edgar allen poe's "The Raven" great imagery btw
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very beautiful . and once i read your notes i could get the flow of the poem. i like the imagery in this also. you are very talented i love it
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I really think that you should have won this contest.This was great.You were really in tune to your feelings and as you said you got them out.They were easy to relate to.Been through alot with my mom still do not talk or write about it much.But you did great.You should be proud of this.You did deserve the honorable win but I think it should have been gold.
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Thank you for your entry in the contest. A very interesting poem dealing with your life and Mother.
All the best to you in judging
Sue and Jeff
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I think my favorite part was the locket simile. Very nice and not cliche! Well thought up.
I'm not sure I really like any of the repetition in this poem, though.
"Your driving me in insane!" Should be You're or You are...
I'm never one to follow a style. It isn't my thing. I like contemporary better. So it is hard for my to judge the style. But most of the content is good, like imagery and all that.
Over all it could use some touch ups, but still good. -
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thanks for the read and your honesty
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Great read! Narrative, yet graced with delicate use of poetic device> I really appreciate this piece!!!
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thanks for the read
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I am very sorry that your relationship with your mother was so troubling to you. I hope that it is better now.
You writing is very well. It is an interesting read. And while I don't read poe much anymore. I do like to his work.
Thanks for sharing this and I hope to read more from you.
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your comments are very much appriciated
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Neatly structured ...
and vividly embedded in emotions ... Now, Poet, of course this poem is self therapy ... And having said that, it means you have written it not only for the self, but for all the readers that can relate. The mother is often the first link to trust ... and to distrust. It is sad, but true.
It is important that you should link her response to your actions before that. EVEN THOUGH she did act wrong, and did confuse you with her inconsistent behavior, perhaps you did the same to her, hmmmmm?
All I say IS: consider both sides ... Life is interrelations. I am a mother of five, and I did not use corporal punishment, but I know that I am not perfect and may have caused distress ...
I think all mothers and children should read your poem with introspection and forgiveness. And move on.
Thank you for reading my work; I truly appreciate it.
Love
Myra
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Wow, this is so sad, yet is written so beautifully. Your words show such strong emotion, and I can't help but feel I am in your place. I know that no words can truly make me feel how you feel, but this poem did a wonderful job of making me understand. I am so sorry you've had to go through this. I can only imagine how hard it was write this. You did a great job!
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I don't care what the other poems in thatc contest were about, this one should have won.
This was amazing; it was heart-wrenching, disturbing, and completely indescribable all at the same time. I don't know what to say about it, but it really makes you ... think, I suppose.
The rhyme scheme was amzing; I've never seen anyone write this caliber a poem using hia ridiculously difficult style.
But, it was an amazing poem.
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thanks for the read and the kind words
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Superb plus
Wow, you have my empathy. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme are just fine. You painted a picture of exactly why emotional/psychological abuse of a child is as damaging as physical/sexual abuse. Once again, well done. Of course, there is no excuse for abuse of a child, what so ever.
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A very compelling write and nicely done. Though I've experienced trauma in my years it's nothing in comparison to yours. I hope expressing it on paper helps. Happy trails neighbor
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Well personally I don't enjoy it. I can only say I like it when people break at a rhyme.
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i'm lost. you dont like rhying poems?
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Reality
wow, in some ways it mirrors my onwsituation but in differnt waysthanks for posting it you gave me alot ot think about!
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that sounded like a hardcore song about life, that was good, I enjoyed reading it because it reminded me of lyrics to a song and shit... like something from Shai Hulud or Strongarm or some type of positive influenced hardcore song, you know what I mean. The message was loud and clear in this one. Positive yet setting a bitter example as to what can go wrong in life.
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Suppressing emotions is our natural reaction. Unfortunately it usually makes it worse. Normally I prefer free verse but you did well here with the form. The personal ones are always the hardest to write.
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"Because of how his heart had bled into a profound silence he fled
In a desperate attempt to stop the pain, he cut off all emotion
And in the delusory he found quiet peace, all his feelings began to cease
His soul crumpled in a crease as the world lost all living motion"
oooh poor spirit. This poem was amazing....and you got the applause to prove it. Stunned.
Creatress
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I like your poem a lot. I can relate to it. My mother is the same way. I moved in with my dad on my 12th birthday and didn't talk to my mom for a year and a half. We talk now, but only occassionally (probably once every two-three weeks). It's tough, but you'll make it through. Hang in there!
As far as improvements, I have no suggestion. The poem was written very well! You should check out one of mine sometime, although they aren't written as well as yours.
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Detrimental words dipped in honey
these are the worst kind of hurt if you ask me, which you didn't. but...
this poem is so sad to read from you and i wish you well in the healing process as you go through this life. i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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I love the rhymes here. They are effortless and add to the poem greatly. I also love the alliteration. Your talent for turning a phrase is beautiful: "Detrimental words dipped in honey" -- nicely done. I also love how you describe the struggles of a man to express his emotions. Overall, this is a very nice poem
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thanks for the read
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I thought this was a personal account and most touching. How silence reigned here, like as if the strictness has shone through, but remain to be a credit to yourself and your family.,
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I love this poem! It's deep and open. You used that particular rhyme scheme very smoothly; it feels natural. The emotions and thoughts are so interestingly described.
I, too, am a lover of big words, though I have trouble using them in poetry. You've done that very well here. (You may want to check on the word "perplextion," though. I think "perplexity" is what you're going for. )
All in all, great write! Poems like these keep me reading.
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Great write and with strong message...sometimes we retreat to silence to protect ourselves, thinking we are shutting out the world, only to realize in this silence, we find ourselves, our soul, our clarity and the rest, the pain, isn't as important as we thought.
You wrote this very well...I tend to like to use fewer words (as you already know) but perhaps I should be more patient, as I might have missed such a great write. Thanks for pointing me here.
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This was simply the best poem I have read in a long time, not only due to its aesthetic quality but also because of its sincerity and the way it tells of such a complex issue and such complex feelings so clearly. I can relate to the cycle you go through and I think the fact that you can think and write about it so maturely and give the emotion without being overly dramatic shows how courageous you are. I particularly liked tenth and eleventh lines. The repetitons and the rhymes make the poem really easy to follow and also to remember. You are a great talent, don't let anything break you.
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your comment is deeply appriciated.
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'Silence'....
wow...strong write of words....
it made you stronger....
sad as well...
but anyways I seei read it once already...
thanks for the read again....
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Great Style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You wrote this with such a great style!!! I too, suffered child abuse, not by the han of my mother, but by her boyfriend. He would beat the living crap out f and not think twice about it. Any type of abuse carried out on a child breaks their confidence and their very spirit. Believe me I know, I am in my fourties and it still effects me in some ways. I live my life ok, but it is there and though all is forgiven it is there that is all I can say about it, it never goes away but I put it on the back burner and it stays there for the most part of the time but again ...it is there!!! Thanks for sharing this piece!!!~~Toni~~
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The complex vocabulary is so amazing! I really like the style you used in the poem, too.
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Powerful, intense, honest, moving, and I can relate...
You are only 16?, and you write like this? Amazing.
I sit here with my mouth dropped wide open.
Too young to know these things, but yet, you do.
My mother was something else, too. She made our lives crazy...one minute, she was telling us she loved us, the next, throwing one of us out of the house.
It took a long time to get over that, and forgive her.
Not being able to forgive her was the hardest thing to let go of, but I did. We get along, but only because we live about 2000 miles apart..lol
I sincerely wish you all the best, in your relationship with her, I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive, when the time comes,
jin
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I know this pain.
This poem reminds me of me and my Mother as well. She would go from being this sweet woman I trusted to a hateful angry person within seconds throwing hurt at me with words that made me think I was bad all the time. Physically and emotionally she killed me slowly. I love this and I am sorry that you and any other child in this world has ever been abused by a parent. Hopefully through your writing, you'll start to heal. It works well for me. Great write and thanks for sharing it.
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thanks for the read.
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very good
you know,
we are all raised to love our family
but
your verse is so poingnat
because it embraces the reality of it
some mothers are sadistic, maschoschitic
sad, but true -
I can definately see the style of The Raven in this. You can feel the emotion in this. The repetition puts more emphasis on certain aspects of the poem, which I thought as brilliant. It was haunting and will stay in my mind for quite a while. This is a wonderful poem, and a great read. Keep up the excellent work.
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The "Raven" echo comes through well, and the partial repetition in lines 4-5 of each stanza does also.
A couple of suggestions--since you work so well with Poe's rhyme scheme, it might be interesting to focus on the rhythm as well--eight-stress iambic lines that impel the reader through the poem. Now that you've written the experience out for yourself, use the poem as a way to re-gain control and perspective, by crafting and polishing until it--and the experiences that triggered it--serve you rather than the other way around.
I never felt the belt, but at nearly 60, I'm still working through the same sense of confusion the poem details: how can a mother not behave like a mother should? and why does it hurt so much even after all these years? Writing about it helps; writing poetry about it helps even more.
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thanks for the read. um a little help, I have no idea what the eight-stress iambic lines are, but i am really interested. I havent really worked on rhythm before.
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This is very deep and very insightful.
My first impression is that you shouldn't have had to go through this. Emotionally I can feel your pain your words are so well written that every emotion is laid bare. This is not awkward in the least to read just so very sad. This should not be changed for to do so would take away from the essence of this. The title is just exactly the one for this. The first line draws you into this and makes you want to read more. The last line sums this up very well. I do not choose to have a preferance for one part over another because it is all written so well.
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thank you for reading and commenting on my poem. I have given this poem of your emotions to your mother a three hands up. I wonder why you did not give my poem any hands up? you still can if you would do me the favor? Your poem is an attempt to put at peace a relationship that probably will take years to do. I give you much credit in the attempt. We writers write to expatiate the negative anger that people of "No Empathy" direct toward us. People of "No Empathy" usually are closed into themselves and cannot get out sadly. They are locked into dark ego. (words to a song - the creatures of evil have captured their heart) I am so glad you write and do so out of love for yourself first and others second.
michael thomas
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I loved the form that you used in this poem, its really good!
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See I commented on this in July - sorry for clicking agin. Very sad case for any child to have to go through.
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This was so weird... but I really liked it. I don't think I have read anything else of yours but if they are anything like this, you are a very original writer... I love your style! *claps* Great job.
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nice edgar allan poe this is so well writeen i enjoyed every word of it its as sad as it can be but still so rich and mighty
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Heartbreaking and very powerful in its telling. I'm sorry you went through that as a child. No child should have to endure that kind of abuse or any abuse. You have shown strength in sharing this write. Thank you. Congratulations on the HM.
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Congratulations on honorable mention but this isn't what I'm looking for in my contest.
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well wrtieen thanks for entering
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Ooops I hit on your poem again
I did read it again and yes I have commented on it once before but I didnt want you to lose points -
This is very powerful, but heartbreaking because it really happened to you. No child should have to experience treatment like this. I hope you have been able to find a place or people who can help you as you try to overcome all those emotions and hurt, so it doesn't haunt you for the rest of your left. And in the end, I hope you find a way to forgive your mother for her failures ... because in forgiveness you will utlimately find freedom from your past ... and pave the way for a brighter future.
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Wow. that was great. It honestly was so sad. I love it!!
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sometimes some people really do make you wonder about things. I hope things work out better for you. Good luck, and thanks for entering.
~R&R -
"Your driving me insane!""
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good write, a bit long but it flowed nicely thanks for entering my contest and good luck
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I am so glad you put the authors notes in~ it really blows it out of the water good~ Thanks for entering ~ good luck to you!
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This is the first poem I've read in a while that actually made me cry. It feels very personal to me, as I also had this kind of relationship with my mother. The language you've used has great impact, and I like how you repeat the last few words in the fourth and fifth lines.
Great write, even if because of bad circumstances.
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I did like your writeing style, and your story was so heartfelt, I'm sorry you had to go through such a thing, it must have surely been hard. I hope all gets better in your life and sometime now or in the future you should really tell your mom what you really think of her, sometimes expressing your feelings instead holding them in is helpful...take it from someone who knows...holding things in will drive you crazy.
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beautiful
the pain that you have gone through i know is very hard to explain, but i think you did a beautiful job at expressing the large contrast between your mothers feelings for you. i especially like paragraph 3 lines 4-5, you really kind of finalized what your guys relationship was in a way and its really cool. keep writing my friend and i pray that yours and your mothers relationship get better over time. -
t'is really nice to at least comment on a featured poem....that is what we are looking for after all, others thoughts on our works/words.....I can see you have put alot of time into this write and it holds alot of your heart for that...and even some well discribed thoughts flows from it...reminds me of the free fall verse that I do so enjoy writting and it seems to come natual to me....but mine always has some rhyme into it...or at least it seems to...I thank you for sharing this with us your viewers and of course me too....as always...and thank you for reading my four featured poems today...I do hope you enjoyed them at least....
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Sounds like a mom who is manic depressant and whose life is a roller coast ride. Great rythm, rhyme and flow. Would not be much fun living in this home. How sad that children have to live through this kind of abuse and there is no one there to help them. The person that should be loving and caring, the mother, is just the oppposite. Sentiments well expressed in these lines -
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Really Good...
It's really good how you managed to get so much of a story into so little of a poem... It's true power in so few words... i praice you greatly!
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and this one was truly heartfelt***
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I honestly think
you expressed yourself as good as any brain doctor and you do a damn good job at writing! Future Author?
Smile,
Judy
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this was really great. The scheme used was flawless and the story is sad surely. There are so many reasons or lets say ppl which make us stonehearted and that v become emotionless but we oughtnt to do that and undoubbtedly the rhymind scheme deserves applauds! well written
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EXCELLENT AND HEART FELT
Oh the feelings of others forced upon a child builds through the years for they were never truly understood . And I guess never will be for through it all you have grown and one day you will understand and to understand is to grow and speak out to others of your pain and in doing so you will find the peace you
need so babdly. People do crazy things in life and some we may never understand but it helps us to grow beyond it and make the life of another without the same pain passed on. Some who never becomes aware passes it on to their children which is so sad
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You rock! I'm completely blown away! Great write!
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this was a very deep write. Very deep in the articulate imagery. I like how the emotions spill out from your pen. Very thought provoking. Your poetry is consistent in deepness
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Thats extremely good and soo expressive meaningful what not!.. man this is so amazing that u wrote about u in such enthusiastic poem. I luv the way it describes the relationship with the mother and times when you dont know how to tackle with them. A brilliant one! God bless...
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silence is a great title for this poem. there's so much going on in "happy families" that aren't so happy. the cycle of the honeymoon period moving to the emotionally violent period and moving to another period.. goes on and can be more damaging, especially when it's someone you're supposed to trust and love.
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Well this poem says a lot. Since this is a critique I'll give you something to work with. In your poem a lot of words can be cut out and still hold the legitmacy and standards of the poem (eg first stanza pronouns for sure could be cut and there are other words which don't nessesarily need to be there.)
I enjoyed your word choice, you sound, if nothing else awfully affluent with your language set. I also enjoyed the way you chose to rhyme, endrhyme is cool to use, and internal rhyme was also running well in this poem. Good luck with your contest:-D -
Agonizing
I think "Silence" is a wonderful title for this piece. The poem vividly describes your experiences. "Detrimental words dipped in honey" is all too familiar. Women are particularly skilled at this art, and unfortunately mothers are no exception. I am sorry you've had to endure the pain of this sad relationship. -
very nice poem keep up the great writing.
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Oh wow. This had extream imagery.[which I love]
Very sad piece, and so beautifully written.
'Detrimental words dipped in honey, deleterious clouds made to look sunny
From charming and affectionate lips that effortlessly curse'
That had too be my favorite part out of all.
I like the fact that this style is off of "The Raven" [Which is one of my favorite poems]
Wonderful job.
Deeply expressive.
[♥]
Monica
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This is a very interesting piece of writing shot through with hurt and anger and hate and rage mixed with love and sadness etc. You really should take a bit more care with punctuation and spelling as the plethora of errors makes for hard reading. Also: do you think it tactful to enter it into 6 contests at the same time? A bit hit and miss, that!
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WOW!!!!!! This piece is strong and sad. I can relate in some ways as I went through so much hell growning up my self. Not quite like this, but abuse is abuse no matter how you slice it. I hope this is no longer the case for you. You did a great job on this one!! Best of luck in this contest!!
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So strong.. powerful.
Your imagery is astounding.
I adore 'Detrimental words dipped in honey, deleterious clouds made to look sunny'. -
This is so sad and full of see-sawing emotions and images. I cannot imagine, as a mother, how anyone could do that to a child. My heart aches for you and what you went through. May you be rewarded with a happy life.
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Most people I know have rollercoaster relationship with one (or both) of their parents--often we forget that parents are human and therefore volatile just like us, sometimes calm and loving, at other times being irascible and bitchy. My own mom is like that too, and usually it worsens when she decides to stop taking her medicine and goes into one of her schizophrenic frenzies. But it's just as true of "normal" folk.
I was going to say that I hated the repetitious line until I noticed your comment that said your poem was modeled off of Poe's "The Raven". Then, the inflection and repetition made more sense.
I am sorry you felt as though you had to suppress your feelings...I've done that too, and know how detrimental it can be both to your soul (because it only prolongs the pain) and your general health--holding back my emotions, for me, lead to higher blood pressure, insanely painful migraines, and stomach cramps. I hope you are at least not suppressing yourself anymore, and that you have someone to talk to.
The poem is melancholy but deeply expressive.
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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Excellent write
I have often wondered if anyone else felt that same way and now that I am grown I can see the looks and the words and all its meaning . Although your mom said spiteful things it had to be really hard to understand why . I knew why for I knew what I had done was wrong and it didnt come as a surprise for I was raised to know better
Great write here
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I am so glad you can express your emotions through writing !
This poem has made me sad and angry , no child should ever have to go through that !
My son and I are estranged he doesnt see me but not because of neglete or abuse , his girl chose for him sad to say . So in just the oppisite way i understand how someone can look at you and show no love .
I admire the fact that you wrote something so personal!
Just about all my poems are personal and from the depths of my heart !
I have four children and i love them all , they are the breath in me !
That is a mothers love!
I think your mother may have a illness , Bipolar or something .
My advise is try ..try real hard to make your peace and forgive her anyway .
Then you have done all you can do.
I know you are thinking forgive her???
Yes then its released to God and she will have to deal with what shes done .
May you have peace in your life and Gods comfort.
Great write and loved the style!
hugs
~Lisa~
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oops i meant to click the two applaud thingys
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your poem sorta tells me your upset about something... whats wrong... if u wanna talk about it just say somthing to me
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iscolating the silence sentances and some editing to fit the second stanza together might improve this to punctuate, other wise the emotions relayed here are quiet exceptional and although very complex the point and empathy is very nicely done, for it is so true that sometimes silence is the best wisdom, anyheys thanks a bundle of fine cuban cigars -jas
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Very well written, your style is very professional. I love the emotion that comes accross in this poem. Well doen.
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I loved this poem and this line the most......Detrimental words dipped in honey, deleterious clouds made to look sunny
From charming and affectionate lips that effortlessly curse
She can make him feel like a precious locket dropped into a forgotten pocket..... this is great!!
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Wow, this is a very good write. A lot of emotion and sorrow. I can relate in some ways. Well done on this piece, it's impacting.
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Wow- this is a really great write. I'm sorry that you have this type of relationship with your Mom. I almost have the same one with my Dad. I think sometimes, people don't really understand what kind of pain and damage they can do to their children. This is a really great peice of work. I hope you place 1st in the contests you have entered.
-Ashley
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wow
this was really great, well done, scheme was flawless and the sotry is sad. many people in our lives can cause us to harden our hearts and become emotionless but we must do our best to prevent that
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You have a beautiful way with words and I admire your ability to write poetry like this in a rhyme scheme. Usually, more personal poems are free verse because the writer just pens what they feel. You lost nothing by putting it in ryhme, you gained if anything. This was beautifully written, good luck in the contests.
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A very personal write, full of emotion. I find it hard to critique such poems as they are so deeply a part of us. Kudos for your bravery in sharing a bit of your inner workings.
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This is a wonderful poem. You have used such description and emotion within it to make the reader really want to come back and read it over and over again. The pain and the anguish that you must have felt. This is why this is such a great poem is because you have used your emotions and your wonderful talent for words and really let loose with what you've felt and it made a sad but heartfelt poem. Once again with your work, nicely done!
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heartfelt write you have penned here - some parents should not have had kids; they just make life miserable for all their family. Could b e they are manic depressant, could be bi-polar, a jeckyll and hyde personality. Then took, during the teen years, both parents and teens act up as they react to each other's actions. Interesting form used here.
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Great conveyance of emotion. "Your" is to be used in the mine/ yours context. You should use 'you're' in this situation. Looking over the other poem briefly, I see that spellchecking might be a good habit for you to get in to. Great imagery. Your punctuation is damn near complete in both poems, but lacking sentence enders. Due to the maturity of your poetry, I'd suggest adding those, that they might be taken as seriously as possible. It's messed up, but a lot of people look at a profile before looking at a poem, and so I suggest taking your age off as it does open the door to have people walk all over you while using an authoritative tone. "Delusory" should be 'delusion' unless you are doing that on purpose for dramatic effect. Use 'quiet' instead of "quite". A spellcheck wouldn't have caught that. The last line for a poem meant to spark intense emotion without trying to get the reader to wrap their brain around some huge concept should be a moving piece of imagery or the sincerest of confessions or something of that sort. How it is now makes the reader wonder what is in the fetal position, and how the fetal position could harm him. Great third person perspective. Great rhythm and flow. Great structure. It's unusually creative and self-sustaining in its adherence to its own structure, so great job on that. Your repetition for dramatic effect was excellently placed. Your storytelling of the sequence of events was very interestingly written, keeping the readers' collective attention the entire way through without losing them on mundane details or an unnecessarily slow pace. You've great potential. Check out Narcissus Awakening. You might want to give Adam or Imagination a quick glance, as well, to see some unusual formats that might inspire your creativity to greater heights than you are even now at.
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That was the most contructive comment all day, thanks. -
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You're welcome.
I was totally going to do an entire breakdown of every place in which I could find a little room for improvement, and you've seen how in depth I can go, but I could find nothing more to comment on than what I mentioned earlier, so that's a huge compliment to you. Keep up the magnificent work.
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