Image taken from Dark_rocker_angel at Photobucket.com
Hello there. After a few months of being in this site, I guess many of you already know me, but well, let's get into the contest.
I'm afraid of loneliness. Nothing new... but the paradox starts when I'm also afraid of people. I don't know where to start, so excuse me, the following lines might be random.
I suffer from Asperger's syndrome, an affection which limits my communication capabilities. Maybe my language skills are increased, but communication is not just based upon language, we all know that. Also, I'm very raw when saying stuff, sometimes not even considering the other people's feelings, thus stating my own stuff honestly and without fear of being called a hypocrite, but instead, misunderstood. My real life friends' group is little because of the same, and I've found out people fear me there. My classmates fear me, my teachers fear me, some of my friends fear me, and even people here and in other places on the net I go to fear me, and I don't understand why. As means of safety for them, I restrained myself from even trying to talk to people. I have an AP okaa-sama (Mother, Lavender Butterfly) and an AP imouto-sama (Little sister, Pebbleslovesbambam), yet I barely talk to them because I really fear bothering them, and instead, I confine myself to reading and reading. I consider myself as an ugly, mean person, and sometimes I really mean it. I'm afraid of being a disturbance, of speaking out to people what I feel and think of interrupting people in what they do, and instead I put my thoughts in the shape of poetry so people can read them just as a "nice writing" of sorts. I don't even consider my own works as "poetry", for poems are beautiful. But the real problem starts when I look at people being happy in company or when I'm falling in love with someone. I suffer from a certain paradox which consists of either I'm too liberal with people around me and they betray me, or I'm too possessive and they kick me off their lives because of my "obsessive behavior". I fail so miserably when I attempt to get close to anybody, either scaring them off or getting ready for being played with. Happiness is a strange feeling for me, and it's rare to see me smiling. I don't know if you're tired of reading about my issues, but I'll stop.
Your options:
1. Be inspired by the picture. Remember to credit it.
2. In your poem, tell me to curl up and die in my small world of emptiness because this world does hate me, because I'll never get rid of my solitude. Tell me there will never be love for me.
3. In your poem, tell me how should I improve my social skills, how should I get along with people, but try not to sound so far away from this world.
4. In your poem, be my friend and tell me you don't fear me, then tell me that I should stay by your side or whatever. Good luck with this one.
5. In your poem, literally ask me out, telling me why should I stay by your side without fear of creeping you out of me. Again, good luck.
6. In your poem, cheer me up and tell me the world is not so cruel and that I should open myself to people more often. Good luck, again.
7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXEhRKBykAg <- "Mushi" by Dir en grey, a song that summarizes all of my feelings. Be inspired by it, credit the artist, the song and the translator.
The rules:
1. No line limit.
2. Extremely happy poems make me cry and want to kill myself. Use them only for option 2.
3. Put your option in your Author's notes, unless it's obvious.
4. if u rit liek diz, LIKE THIS, LiKe ThIs or |_¡|<3 ¬-#¡$, you won't get much appreciation, although Dirty Pretty is welcome.
5. I'm extremely honest, believing, willing and dedicated, and I expect you to be honest and willing if you choose options 4 or 5, they might end in future Favorites/Family members.
6. I don't see the point for adult content.
7. I might delete this contest if there are not enough entries.
... have fun?
Hello there. After a few months of being in this site, I guess many of you already know me, but well, let's get into the contest.
I'm afraid of loneliness. Nothing new... but the paradox starts when I'm also afraid of people. I don't know where to start, so excuse me, the following lines might be random.
I suffer from Asperger's syndrome, an affection which limits my communication capabilities. Maybe my language skills are increased, but communication is not just based upon language, we all know that. Also, I'm very raw when saying stuff, sometimes not even considering the other people's feelings, thus stating my own stuff honestly and without fear of being called a hypocrite, but instead, misunderstood. My real life friends' group is little because of the same, and I've found out people fear me there. My classmates fear me, my teachers fear me, some of my friends fear me, and even people here and in other places on the net I go to fear me, and I don't understand why. As means of safety for them, I restrained myself from even trying to talk to people. I have an AP okaa-sama (Mother, Lavender Butterfly) and an AP imouto-sama (Little sister, Pebbleslovesbambam), yet I barely talk to them because I really fear bothering them, and instead, I confine myself to reading and reading. I consider myself as an ugly, mean person, and sometimes I really mean it. I'm afraid of being a disturbance, of speaking out to people what I feel and think of interrupting people in what they do, and instead I put my thoughts in the shape of poetry so people can read them just as a "nice writing" of sorts. I don't even consider my own works as "poetry", for poems are beautiful. But the real problem starts when I look at people being happy in company or when I'm falling in love with someone. I suffer from a certain paradox which consists of either I'm too liberal with people around me and they betray me, or I'm too possessive and they kick me off their lives because of my "obsessive behavior". I fail so miserably when I attempt to get close to anybody, either scaring them off or getting ready for being played with. Happiness is a strange feeling for me, and it's rare to see me smiling. I don't know if you're tired of reading about my issues, but I'll stop.
Your options:
1. Be inspired by the picture. Remember to credit it.
2. In your poem, tell me to curl up and die in my small world of emptiness because this world does hate me, because I'll never get rid of my solitude. Tell me there will never be love for me.
3. In your poem, tell me how should I improve my social skills, how should I get along with people, but try not to sound so far away from this world.
4. In your poem, be my friend and tell me you don't fear me, then tell me that I should stay by your side or whatever. Good luck with this one.
5. In your poem, literally ask me out, telling me why should I stay by your side without fear of creeping you out of me. Again, good luck.
6. In your poem, cheer me up and tell me the world is not so cruel and that I should open myself to people more often. Good luck, again.
7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXEhRKBykAg <- "Mushi" by Dir en grey, a song that summarizes all of my feelings. Be inspired by it, credit the artist, the song and the translator.
The rules:
1. No line limit.
2. Extremely happy poems make me cry and want to kill myself. Use them only for option 2.
3. Put your option in your Author's notes, unless it's obvious.
4. if u rit liek diz, LIKE THIS, LiKe ThIs or |_¡|<3 ¬-#¡$, you won't get much appreciation, although Dirty Pretty is welcome.
5. I'm extremely honest, believing, willing and dedicated, and I expect you to be honest and willing if you choose options 4 or 5, they might end in future Favorites/Family members.
6. I don't see the point for adult content.
7. I might delete this contest if there are not enough entries.
... have fun?
Contest is Over
- Contest was judged on June 5, 2008
- Rewards: Gold: 450, Silver: 300, Bronze: 150, Honorable mention: 1 people
- Final notes: Huh, thanks for the entries... I don't have much to say. All of your writes are wonderful and what not, and... I'm sorry for bothering you with my problems. About the winners, I tried to be the most neutral possible. Thanks for your lifting and maybe the entries were so few, but I'll try and come up with another contest again... and I hope, next time, it won't be so personal.
- To judge this contest, you need to have at least as many finalists as you have rewards. You have 4 awards but only 3 finalists.
Contest Winners
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by Lavender Butterfly 23 lines, 1 comment, on May 23 1:43 AM 2008. In Dedication, Understanding
Bronze trophy winner
• Commented on by judge. [remove]
Silver trophy winner
Honorable mention
Entries [10]
1 - 10 of 10
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Kyo-N - An Inspiration• Commented on by judge.
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I’ll stand by you. and I’ll hold you close.by likezoinks 11 lines, 1 comment, on May 24 7:27 PM 2008• Commented on by judge.
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The first step the spirit takes upon the chosen path,
Begins with that of pain.• Commented on by judge. Prewrite -
ii.
The world is silent. Windows shut, walk outby fullfathomfive 38 lines, 1 comment, on Jun 3 5:03 PM 2008• Commented on by judge. -
Evil spirits impede my senses extreme and relentless exceeding defenses
They paint bleak pictures of a wicked existenceby hipstorian 36 lines, 12 comments, on Jun 30 2:28 PM 2008. In Dark• Commented on by judge. Prewrite
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Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I'm bookmarking this. Hope to be able to write something.
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Kyo-N:
YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME!
I'm Domz, and I don't like thinking that such a guy is in the state you're in, i'd rather see that you didn't believe that the public hated/feared you, I don't - and i'd quite like to know you, and become your friend, Domz -
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Be prepared to everything I've stated before... even the silence, my own disallowing to say stuff.
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Kyo... that's the lead singer of Dir en Grey, yes?
Is your AP name dedicated to him, or are you actually called Kyo?
Sorry for the slightly strange question, I am merely curious... -
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Yes. From Dir en grey with love, just because I'm impressed at how do his lyrics touch me, but I write it with another kanji for me.
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Hon, you would be suprised to know how many people feel exactly as you do ... With or without a natural social awkwardness, social interaction is a tricky, slippery business. Just let the gentleness of your soul shine through, and remember to give people some space so they don't feel overwhelmed
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Wow…
Where to begin? I guess I’ll start at the beginning. When I was a younger child in middle school, I was given a multiple diagnoses of Attention Defecate and Asperger’s Syndrome. I was placed on a plethora of different types of medications including Riddlin, St. Johns Whart, etc. To this day, I believe those medications have done serious physiological damage. It’s actually something that I’ve never forgiven my family for. I understand that they really wanted to see me succeed academically, but all I can remember from those days is the extreme nausea and headaches. I can’t remember when I started refusing to take the medication, but I would usually just lie about it. I remember my mother used to bag them in my lunch box everyday and I would just dump them in the bottom of my book bag or throw them in the snow. Well, it was rather humorous when summertime came, the pills melted and you could see little pink holes emanating from the ground.
I actually never succeeded academically, which is a far cry from my sister, who I vaguely remember being valedictorian and my little brother who currently attends honors classes. I guess I had a lot to live up to at the time, so it might have been an awkward notion for one of my parents to have a child in a “learning disabled class.” To this day I still ascertain a broad lexicon, but I never cared for reading or writing. One fact I’m quite proud of, is that I put off doing a particular book report until the day before it was due, then I wrote a completely fictitious tale based on the artwork of the cover and was told “well clearly you read the book.” I was a smart kid, but I guess it really just comes down to the fact that I learn differently than most people. The best teacher has in life has been myself. I need to see that the world is tangible, rather just being told “if you don’t finish school, you won’t amount to anything.” I finally ended up dropping out my junior year of high school.
Another thing you mentioned was your fear social subjugation, which was never really an issue for me. However, the common phrase is that kids with Asperger’s are not socially ambitions. I highly disagree, while my list of friends is certainly not what it was in high school, I still have a decent number under my belt. I never really understood the concept of “popularity” and having next to no real chemistry between everyone you associate with. I actually feel sorry for the people that grow dependant on social prowess. When you get into the real world and your friends get jobs and start planning their careers, your numbers start to deteriorate, then you see who your true friends really are. I would without hesitation take a bullet for one of my friends.
As far as women go, I wouldn’t know. I’ve never have one decent excuse of a human being be passable as a “women.” Yes, I’ve been hurt several times, but I don’t let it phase me. I drove over seven hundred miles to see my last love interest and the first thing out of her mouth was “could you drive me to my boyfriend’s house?” It really all just adds fuel to the fire, because it makes me more determined to prove they made a mistake. Needless to say, it’s always darkest before dawn. I don’t believe in the “disease.” I think if you have the willingness to learn and change, you can do it. It’s all about breaking down that physiological parameter. I literally woke up one morning four years and started writing. The same kid who never wrote a legitimate book report said he wanted write poetry. I also worked my ass off for a couple years and became marketing manager for a very prominent local constriction company. I also walked away from that very same lucrative paying job that offered me $50,000 a year to stay, but it took too much time away from what I love to do. Being an artist is about sacrifice and morality is invaluable. My whole point to this little lecture is; I was given a very similar set of circumstances, but I just chose not to believe what other people said was wrong with me. There is always hope and I’ve learned from experience. -
I think that many people think that. :} In a way that I have a problem with friends too. I say the wrong things, I am usually left alone and wander, but I hate the solitude too. I read and say I don't mind, I try and find a corner to get comfortable while envying those who can freely communicate and find "life-long friends". (people only think in the short term anyway)
So anyway... your not alone. talk if you want. or not.
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