The Mission:
You must be willing to submit your poems to intense criticism and heavy poetic critiquing. If your poem is in any way mediocre, I will tell you how and why it is so and ask you to remove it from my contest. Poetry is not therapy. Save your personal poems for your friends or shrink. They are a turn-off to me.
If anyone who thinks they know better would like to help judge this contest, please be at least a college student and who has taken some literature or poetry class/workshop. You won't need to spend points, but I believe I talk too much for my own good.
Plus I'm an asshole.
Rules:
Minors under 18 BEWARE. I do not particularly care for minors, nor their hyper-sensitive poems or delicate sensibilities. Show some maturity and creativity.
No Crying. I don't want sissies in my contest who are unable to endure my advice/ or critiquing.
No Lovey-Dovey Mushy Poems. Many of these poems are sensitive in nature and are often dear to the poet who wrote it, so I don't want to offend anybody...
[I REFUSE TO CRITIQUE LOVE POEMS. DO NOT SUBMIT THEM. I WILL IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFY THEM]
No Intensely Sad Poems. I REFUSE TO CRITIQUE SAD POEMS. I DQ SAD POEMS WITHOUT REMORSE.
No "The World Hates Me and I Cut Myself to Ease the Pain" poems or any derivatives of "Emo" poetry. I AM RACIST AGAINST EMO-PEOPLE.
NO EROTICA/ SEX POEMS. Reminds me of love poems. I'd rather watch porn or read it in novels than see it in poetic form.
Actually, I don't care for those poems or the poets who write them at all. Unless you are absolutely convinced the poem has any merit, DO NOT waste my time by submitting them. I will have to kill you...with chinese water torture.
No Humorous Poems. Please. I AM IN NO MOOD FOR FUNNY STUFF. I WILL NOT CRITIQUE IT BUT INSTEAD DELETE IT.
I know there are a lot of crimes against humanity in the world, I read it in the news, see it on CNN and in my sociology classes. PLEASE, NONE OF THESE POEMS. I have enough heartache.
People over thirty are advised NOT to enter. As I would not want a 5 year old to tell me that my poem is not up to par, I find it hard for me to tell an older person how to improve their poem. I lack the experience they have, hence, I would not be fit to judge their poems.
Have some courtesy: MANUALLY GRAMMAR AND SPELLCHECK YOUR POEMS. Do not use 'their' for 'there', etc. Faults in these areas piss me off. I will disqualify your poems.
FAILURE TO ADHERE TO RULES RESULTS IN POEM BEING DISQUALIFIED.
My Promises and Obligations to YOU, the Contestant:
I promise to give you an insightful, deep critique of your poem. I will not give you anything less than 75 words of criticism.
I promise to be fair. If your poem is mediocre, I will not (immediately) disqualify you from the contest. I will even give you ONE chance to submit another poem.
I promise not to waste my time or yours on bullshit.
Disclaimer:
I am an ASSHOLE. If you do not like my decisions, critiques, or suggestions then do not enter my contests. I do not care about your feelings.
You must be willing to submit your poems to intense criticism and heavy poetic critiquing. If your poem is in any way mediocre, I will tell you how and why it is so and ask you to remove it from my contest. Poetry is not therapy. Save your personal poems for your friends or shrink. They are a turn-off to me.
If anyone who thinks they know better would like to help judge this contest, please be at least a college student and who has taken some literature or poetry class/workshop. You won't need to spend points, but I believe I talk too much for my own good.
Plus I'm an asshole.
Rules:
Minors under 18 BEWARE. I do not particularly care for minors, nor their hyper-sensitive poems or delicate sensibilities. Show some maturity and creativity.
No Crying. I don't want sissies in my contest who are unable to endure my advice/ or critiquing.
No Lovey-Dovey Mushy Poems. Many of these poems are sensitive in nature and are often dear to the poet who wrote it, so I don't want to offend anybody...
[I REFUSE TO CRITIQUE LOVE POEMS. DO NOT SUBMIT THEM. I WILL IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFY THEM]
No Intensely Sad Poems. I REFUSE TO CRITIQUE SAD POEMS. I DQ SAD POEMS WITHOUT REMORSE.
No "The World Hates Me and I Cut Myself to Ease the Pain" poems or any derivatives of "Emo" poetry. I AM RACIST AGAINST EMO-PEOPLE.
NO EROTICA/ SEX POEMS. Reminds me of love poems. I'd rather watch porn or read it in novels than see it in poetic form.
Actually, I don't care for those poems or the poets who write them at all. Unless you are absolutely convinced the poem has any merit, DO NOT waste my time by submitting them. I will have to kill you...with chinese water torture.
No Humorous Poems. Please. I AM IN NO MOOD FOR FUNNY STUFF. I WILL NOT CRITIQUE IT BUT INSTEAD DELETE IT.
I know there are a lot of crimes against humanity in the world, I read it in the news, see it on CNN and in my sociology classes. PLEASE, NONE OF THESE POEMS. I have enough heartache.
People over thirty are advised NOT to enter. As I would not want a 5 year old to tell me that my poem is not up to par, I find it hard for me to tell an older person how to improve their poem. I lack the experience they have, hence, I would not be fit to judge their poems.
Have some courtesy: MANUALLY GRAMMAR AND SPELLCHECK YOUR POEMS. Do not use 'their' for 'there', etc. Faults in these areas piss me off. I will disqualify your poems.
FAILURE TO ADHERE TO RULES RESULTS IN POEM BEING DISQUALIFIED.
My Promises and Obligations to YOU, the Contestant:
I promise to give you an insightful, deep critique of your poem. I will not give you anything less than 75 words of criticism.
I promise to be fair. If your poem is mediocre, I will not (immediately) disqualify you from the contest. I will even give you ONE chance to submit another poem.
I promise not to waste my time or yours on bullshit.
Disclaimer:
I am an ASSHOLE. If you do not like my decisions, critiques, or suggestions then do not enter my contests. I do not care about your feelings.
Contest is Over
- Contest was judged on February 4, 2008
- Rewards: Gold: 500
- Final notes: Getting now to those I didn't critique yet. It is hard finding meaningful and insightful things to say about your poems...I haven't been ignoring you, but rather mulling over your poems. I have read your poems over and over...Please have patience with my brain.
I judged this contest based on poems that I consider to be anthology worthy, but that doesn't mean that the poems that were not chosen lacked merit. A lot of poems, including my own, require immense amount of polishing and revision. This contest was an exercise for me to evaluate other's poems effectively so that I could distance myself from my own work.
I will comment on your poems as soon as I can get over them.
Avatar
Contest Winners
Silver trophy winner
Bronze trophy winner
Entries [18]
1 - 18 of 18
-
by Dancing the Rumba 28 lines, 10 comments, on Dec 27 4:45 PM 2007. In flowers, picture prompt, imagery• Commented on by judge. Prewrite
-
• Commented on by judge.
-
She picks up the toys, her hair in her face.
Talent in dancing, virtue in grace.by Klinci3 9 lines, 5 comments, on Dec 12 7:41 PM 2007• Commented on by judge. Prewrite -
I Youth and beauty,by OhNoChastity 171 lines, 2 comments, on Dec 28 7:33 PM 2007• Commented on by judge.
-
Space was lost in darkness before words give birth to light.
And spoke of a universal creation, before stars were viewed by sight.by Forgotten truth 26 lines, 33 comments, on Feb 6 7:49 AM 2006. In Personal• Viewed by judge. Prewrite -
Children cry in the dead of night
screaming for solaceby HisFavoriteMistake 144 lines, 5 comments, on Nov 29 3:10 PM 2007• Commented on by judge. Prewrite -
• Commented on by judge. Prewrite
-
I looked in the window
She smiled at meby bluecollarlove 24 lines, 6 comments, on Feb 2 6:30 PM 2007• Commented on by judge. Prewrite -
He fills the needle with his addiction.
Ties off his arm to find the veins.by Dragen2201 3 lines, 6 comments, on Sep 10 7:48 PM 2005. In Dark• Commented on by judge. Prewrite -
read it! u know u want to!• Commented on by judge. Prewrite
-
The rain beats at my heart, soaking it's tranquility into a jewel encrusted box.• Commented on by judge. Prewrite
-
his mouth came down onto mine
slanting without difficulty• Commented on by judge. Prewrite
Add a comment
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
You gave a long list of the types of poems you're not after... what kind IS there that you want to read?
-
Finally.
There's finally someone here who isn't an ass-patting moron. I commend you. Graciously accept my hopefully up-to-standards poetry. No sarcasm intended.
I'd greatly wish to improve in the art of poetry. -
Write a poem for yourself
Writing is a creative process, thus there are different ways to convey one thing that work well. Of course, there is some collective right and wrong in how to write, but most of the time it isn't too important. It is a shame that you are unable to let people be creative, and still tell them you are expecting high-quality work without being overly obnoxious about it.
Since you obviously are out only to smash creative poetry with an iron thumb, then I suggest you submit your own poems and judge them yourself. I certainly wouldn't submit ANYTHING to you, even if it happened to meet your obnoxious criteria for entry.
I think you said it best, "I am an ASSHOLE." Because I value my work I do not submit my work to people who consider themselves garbage, and thus must have no creative sense whatsoever. I want my work to be respected, and judged fairly for what it does well and what it doesn't do.
Don't worry my feelings aren't hurt.
-
pssst..
You wrote>>>
Have some curtesy: MANUALLY GRAMMAR AND SPELLCHECK YOUR POEMS. Do not use 'their' for 'there', etc. Faults in these areas piss me off. I will disqualify your poems.<<< Courtesy is spelled thus.
Paul -
-
furthermore
Personally I would have worded
>>>MANUALLY GRAMMAR AND SPELLCHECK YOUR POEMS.<<< like this,
(Optional-Please..) Check the spelling and grammar of your poems.
-
Thank you. I am grateful for the error check.
-
-
-
lmao so you are god's arsehole and we all know what comes out of that part of the body....what a good case of VD best i have come across for awhile.....but look you forgot to wipe that arsehole and i am betting you used more than one square of dunny paper which is just such a waste .... singing to myself and dont it make your brown blue.....hope you have a great contest. -
-
-
have fun with my write lol
-
pressure
Wow, what in the hell do you like? -
Ah, shit.
It seems like all my poems have a love aspect. Or a sex aspect. Or both. I think the last one I entered had a bit of a sex aspect, sorry about that. -
By the by
If you want to find fellow poetry arseholes like yourself: Visit the OP/L (Original Poetry/Lyrics) forum on Gaia. ( www.gaiaonline.com )
I'm one of them. I critique in the C.R.U.E.L. (Critics Raging Until Eloquence Lives) thread.
It's just a huge forum website, where you create an avatar and everything. Check it out, well the OP/L at least, and become even harsher. I'm pretty bad when it comes to harsh critiques. I know you can do it. ;D -
You don't have to be an asshole to write a good critique
Speaking in earnest is not the same thing as being an asshole. Submitting helpful input to another writer is not the same thing as being an asshole. If you are just trying to make yourself sound superior ... well, that is something else entirely. By the way, "criticism" and the gerund "critiquing" are synonyms. Bummer I'm 31, or I'd enter a poem. -
wow...
this completely makes my night
Thank you for the gold trophy
and congratz to the winners
never ~ -
I must say.
It does seem to me that with all the rules you put down that you would be stifling creative pieces. Maybe that was not your intent and certainly some rude remarks were uncalled for. But I could not enter the contest either because this is a site for constructive criticism and no one is receiving pay for it. I prefer to keep contests that I sponsor to be open and not restrict a person freedom of expression. It is called the first ammendment.
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
