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Tempus Fugit


I had so much fun with this contest the last three times I held it, I decided to hold it again, distinguished only by the new title and whatever else strikes my fancy this time around. BTW, trust me on this, If you read and counted all the rules last time, don't think you can cheat.... there are more. Here we go:

*Yet aother update* (will they never end? ) For those of you who are interested in posting prewrites, I encourage you to study up on the recently added rule #47 (no, not THAT 47, the OTHER 47) which now outlines acceptable means of submitting prewrites. Also, just for fun, I've upped the prize from 300 points to 2007 points because that's the year this contest might end(wheeee!) By the way, not that any of you care, but this contest achieved a major milestone during this last 15-day cycle, the number of people who have viewed this contest broke through the 1000 mark which basically means I've wasted the time of over 1000 people here on the site and well... that makes me feel a little special.

*IMPORTANT UPDATE* For those of you who haven't noticed, this contest has slipped through a wormhole and ended up in an alternate universe where time stands still. I really am going for a record here in terms of how long this contest stays open (and may actually HAVE that record now, but am shooting for a year so the next young gunslinger that comes in here looking to shoot me down has a tough target to hit)SO... Please don't enter unless you have the patience to wait this one out

*NOT SO IMPORTANT UPDATE* Congratulations to Gutter Princess for winning the 50-point bonus for being the first to accurately count all the rules and entering a limerick that- wha?? Oh jeez... she wrote an acrostic, not a limerick. Guess that 50 points will have to wait, and meanwhile, I got a hunch the number of rules has changed again... anyhoo... here' a point for trying lol: Receipt: you gave 1 points to Gutter Princess for Shoulda been a limerick

------------- contest officially starts here --------------
Sick of crappy rules? Then go elsewhere. This contest is for people who are slaves to the rules. If you can't live without being told what to do, then welcome! Please enter! If you only write comments and critiques under the threat of extortion then NEVER FEAR! YOU'LL NEVER BE THE VICTIM OF THIS KIND OF EXTORTION AGAIN AS SITE RULES NOW PROTECT YOU! If you hate creativity and want all thought to be rigidly controlled by the governement then... well... you should spend some time reading George Orwell.



Okay, this contest is about anything you like. Or dislike. Whatever style you please. Happy writing!



Oh yes, and lest I forget, the DREADED rules (DUM DUM DUMMMM!!!):





1. no swearing (well, maybe *some* swearing, but only if you really mean it)

2. no erotica

2. no yellow journalism

2. no yellow snow

1. no yellow submarines, and definitely no mention of the misplacement of the second rule #1

2. and especially no yellow smiley-sun borders. I hate em!

2. No, *absolutely* no suggesting crazy rules. I have my standards!

3. no prewrites unless you have one that exactly matches all of the contest criteria in which case you can IM me and if I'm not brain-dead at the time, I may make polite conversation and say stuff like "Oh My! This really is a great write!" but then either nitpick at obscure rules like #3 or just pretend to fall unconcious and so be unable to grant permission to use it anyhow

3. One exception to the prewrite rule: Seems I "accidentally" removed plinkponk's "untitled" poem from the contest, so prewrites have been turned on, but only for reentry of said plonkyspeak. Any other prewrites that are sneaked in during this opening will be summarily trashed. Even good ones.

3. Definitely none of that beatnik acid trip smoky jazz club shit

4. no chatspeak

4. no chitspeak

4. no saturated facts

5. no sTinCKy cAps

5. no StICky bUNs

6. no cutting (except pizza, but no angst pizza, and absolutely no deep maroon sauce, and definitely no pizza life force seeping out into the cold cold ground etc...)

6. no running with scissors

7. no frozen meatloaf on a stick

8. no depressing shit

9. no manically happy shit either

10. nothing pink or fluffy

11. no penguins (you know who you are!)

11. well... okay, you can write about penguins, but only if you do so while wearing a tacky floral bathing cap from the seventies. Of course I will expect you to post a picture of yourself in said cap sitting by your computer or your poem will be deep sixed (or at least iced).

12. no bad spelig exept if intenshinnal or as from time to time may result from a spell-checker that's possessed with evil demons from the shady etymological underworld. Oh yea... and DEFINITELY... no elipses...

13. The intentional creation of any new and hitherto undocumented words shall require a reasonable explanation of the meaning of said words in the author's comments as well as three forms of identification and extra non-payments to the judge's corruption fund (see rules #23 for details)

13. no intentional bad spelling

13. nothing superstitious

13. nothing superstitious

13. nothing superstitious

13. nothing superstitious

13. nothing annoyingly repetitive

13. and ESPECIALLY... nothing superstitious

14. no original ideas

15. no cliche'

16. no rigor mortis (unless you have the death certificate to prove it)

17. no frozen meatloaf on a stick

18. no farging or blasphemy

18. no explanations of what farging is.

19. No blood tests or urine samples.

19. Prithee treatest alle arseholes with due respect least they shitteth upon thee



**IN COMPLIANCE WITH RECENT CHANGES TO THE AP SITE POLICIES,THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT RULES***

20. oh yes, and not my favorite... DO NOT pick at least five of my poems and comment on them (I WILL NOT BE CHECKING THIS PEOPLE SO DO TRY AND SNEAK PAST ME!!!!!!)

21. DO NOT comment on at least all other entries in the contest too (I may not check on this too)

23. DO NOT Donate points to me if you want to enter this contest. Non-donors will not be ignored.

23. Actually, non-donors may not be ignored too. But since the judge isn't corrupt, you can't at least find solace in the belief that you might not be influencing the judging in your favor at least some tiny amount.

23. In lieu of not donating points, you also cannot promote this contest for me and I'll not pretend to be grateful (gosh ain't I not a stinker?)

**** END OF NOT RULES ****



22. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all (or at least eat a Twinkie first and then talk with your mouth full so you're unintelligible like me)

24. no blarney (no Barney either!)

25. no frozen meatloaf on a stick

26. no suicide

26. no stupidity either

26. no really really bad music (this means you Justin)

27. no being mean

27. no nazis

27. no neo-nazis

27. no skinheads that wish they were nazis

27. no skinheads that wish they were neo-nazis

27. no skinheads eating neopolitan ice-cream and pretending not to be nazis

27. no goths in hawaiian shirts (will not make exceptions for hawaiian shirts that are not accompanied by inappropriate bribes as not detailed in item #23.)

28. no glorification of drugs

28. no making comments that suggest the author of this contest is experimenting with mind-altering narcotics or cough medicine.

28. This contest should not be taken by those using a Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitor (MAOI) or other medications to treat depression. If you are currently using an MAOI or other medication for the treatment of depression, please consult your physician before participating in this contest. And, as with any drug, if you are pregnant or nursing a baby, seek the advice of a health professional before doing anything stupid.

28. nothing wholesome unless it involves Maryann (from Gilligan's Island in case you're too young to know what I refer to), and definitely no Ginger!

28. Talking like Thurston Howell III is permitted, but only while typing your poem.

29. no obnoxious flashing backgrounds or text colors that are unreadable (no really, I mean it!)

29. Contest may contain nuts or nut allergens.

30. no sticky gooey love crap

30. no making new rules, even if it's your contest.

30. Absolutely NO adhering to the 2nd rule #30, especially when the actual rule count is at stake.

30. No writing acrostics instead of a limerick for the 50-point bonus.

31. no tired lame angsty crap either

32. no making smarmy comments

33. no complimenting me to try and get on my good side to influence my judging (please do not see material exceptions not noted in the first and third non-rule #23)

34. nothing too funny (poetry is a very serious thing you know!)

34. No ROFLing without also providing at least a weak lame-ass entry to the contest!

34. Writing something totally daft is definitely okay, even if it totally breaks the rules, but only if the rest of the rules are meticulously adhered to.

35. nothing too sad (what fun is THAT?)

35. No copying all or part of the contents of this contest and submitting as an entry to the contest. While it was funny last time, it's already been done and the thrill has worn off. Besides, I seriously worry about Kevin giving me the axe for sucking up all of his server space with ridiculous crap like this.

36. This contest is ONLY for people who get it.

36. no frozen meatloaf on a stick

36. I highly recommend, (but do not "require" thanks to AP rulemongering *oh the irony of that*) that you look up the last three frozen meatloaf contests to see the caliber of stuff that took the trophies. Otherwise, you could have just a colossal waste of time for yourself, writing something that you think is worthy while I think it sucks.

37. If you're a friend of Jesus, you might wanna just skip ahead to rule #40. Otherwise you may be asked to turn the other cheek.

37. none of that exceedingly happy I-owe-everything-I-am-to-the-lord-who-made-me-and-all-things crap. However discourse on how we are actually the offspring of an alien race that "planted" us here for later harvest is permitted.

38. Absolutely NO discussion about what the "H" stands for in "Jesus H. Christ"

39. Did you know Jesus had a younger brother? Yes, well, as it turns out Bob Christ never really garnered the following that his older bro had. Kinda like Britney Spears and her little sister there whats-her-name. Growing up in the shadow's just gotta be tough on a kid.

39. ...and no religion too (discussion about John Lennon's "Imagine" is okay though)

40. No writing about pain or angst and especially about how difficult it is to be a teen

41. No lawn gnomes except by specific authority of the Supreme council of the intergalactic brotherhood of benevolent and precast creatures

42. No writing like me

42. No Bush bashing. I'm tired of all these people saying how stupid he is. You know, he may be incredibly devious, supremely evil, and the master of coining new compound words ( eg. "They misunderestimated me." ) but I don't think he's all that stupid.

42. It's perfectly okay to compare the ruling on the field and in review, of the Steelers first non-touchdown in super bowl XL with Bush's non-win of the 2000 election.

42. No posing.

42. No motif, irony, metaphor or other poetic devices whatsoever except as required.

42. If the now re-emergent but formerly non-existent edpeterson enters, then you MUST go here: www.substanza.com/poet.php?name=edpeterson to comment on his poem (or die trying) unless this rule somehow breaks some obscure AP rule, in which case you may simply fart in his general direction instead.

42. Did you know that "42" is the answer to life the universe and everything? If you did, then you may not write about it.

43. Oh yes, and there's this other little matter... to prove that you read all these rules and are not fully comatose, you MUST, while standing on your head and reciting select verses from "The Jumblies" or from "The Courtship of the Yhongy Bhongy Bo", enter the following, EXACTLY AS IT APPEARS, in your author's comments: No fRoziN MeeTLuF un a sTiCk (DO NOT attempt to skirt this rule by writing the stuff without doing the Edward Lear recitations. I WILL KNOW!!!)

44. Oh yea, and also, don't enter if you're the sensitive type who can't handle objective comments like "this is crap" or "I don't get it" or "just hit ALT-F4 now..."

45. No acting like you understood this.

45. By the way, one of the rules is that I will be periodically updating, renewing, rewriting, adding to, and generally convoluting the rules in strange, bizarre and often outlandish ways. It's *your* responsibility to check back at least weekly, but sometimes daily, over the next few months or possibly years, to see if this contest is still evolving or if it's been permitted to die a natural death.

46. But wait! There's more! Even if you leave a comment to tell me how much you hate this contest (now WHO would do that??! This is all so damn lovable!), then you know that I secretly controlled at least that small portion of your actions this day. On the other hand, if you've read this far and hate it so much you decide to spite me by not leaving a comment at all, well then I've controlled you in a different reverse psychological way haven't I? All part of my evil master plan.

47. Allyay ulesray areyay ullnay andyay oidvay orfay oemspay ittenwray entirelyyay inyay igpay atinlay.

47. *THIS JUST IN* I'm now allowing prewrites although I have no intention whatsoever of reading, commenting, or judging them. It's just my cheesey-assed way of bulking up the entries. So please, enter as many prewrites as you can possibly scrounge up!!!!!!

48. With few undisclosed exceptions, all rules are intended for and enforceable against those people who insist on playing by the rules.

49. to avoid disqualification, any poems that make use of the word "shit" must stink.

50. This is not really the fiftieth rule. I lost count somewhere back there around the third or fourth rule #13.

51. No leaving comments that the rules suck.

51. No leaving comments about deleted comments that said the rules suck.

51. No repeating comments that were already made.

51. No repeating comments that were already made.

51. No appending to or slightly rewording and then reposting comments that were already made and deleted per the second and third rules #51.

51. No circular headspinning, demonic possession, or barfing pea soup.

52. Well, I notice that edpeterson has indeed not entered the contest, and yet few of you have not commented... this sure gonna make the judging easy.

53. I heard the contest may (thankfully) end as early as this weekend, but that may have just been a rumour started by Mick Fleetwood and Lindsey Buckingham. ("how is this a rule" you ask? Damned if I know, I just write the things okay?)

54. Under mounting pressure and criticism from the Antique Royal Society Eclectic (A.R.S.E.) and having been given a substantial amount of cash to influence my decision, I hereby rescind the second rule #1 and now allow, nay, encourage references to Yellow Submarine, with particular kudos going to those who manage to work in Butterfly Stompers, Stapping Turtle Turks, and Blue People in general.

54. Poems about flowers are absolutely permitted and encouraged, especially when entered by people who like flowers, except for people who write comments like:



"MarmaladeAtkins 13 minutes ago

Smile the Worlds watching! 89 critiques, 25 poems. Currently online. said:

Who's Ed Peterson? (delete?) (reply?)"



55. In order to qualify for consideration, any poem referencing Pink Floyd must prove that there's no associated fluffiness (which may be difficult when one considers "A Pillow of Winds", yep... it don't get much fluffier than that...)

55. Pink flamingoes are okay as long as they're the hard plastic kind and not the real fluffy ones.

56. Writing or dialogue that captures the spirit of hillbilly (colloq. "redneck" language may not necesarily influence the judge, but may be funny to read. See if you can work in terms like "tarnation!" and "land o' goshen!" or perhaps "bodacious", "time's a-wastin'", or "What in Sam Hill??!"

57. The development of Fuddlike characters is permitted

68. No using spell checkers. If you don't know how to spell, well that's just a shame.

69. The use of grammar is encouraged, but don't feel constrained by it,, hell, even I like to throw in the occasional seemingly accidental double-comma or write some hideous monstrosity of a run-on sentence that seems to go on forever and ever without ending or even having commas or hyphens for you to catch your mental breath while reading it the sentence.

70. Demonstrating poor sportsmanship will get you ejected from the game and may even result in sarcasm or petty bickering.

71. This just in... the contest is being extended again for a day or two until I can meet my final objective of publishing a contest with one hundred rules.

72. With regards to rule #71, this rule #72 is what may be referred to as "filler" and has no real merit of its own. Actually, few of these rules have any merit, but I suspect headache medication demand is soaring among the readership.

73. You may not enter more than one poem and if you do, I'll think of some dastardly and cutting remarks to make about your inability to follow a simple set of rules that are clearly spelled out in black and white right here on the very page you are writing on.

74. Contrary to what's stated in rule #73, multiple entries may still be considered favorably by the judge provided no attention has been given to the first and third rules #23.

75. Do you have a cute little fuzzy snuggy-wuggy pet that's the love of your life? Great! No writing about it.

75. Exception to the first rule #75 as follows: Any poetry involving cats and microwave ovens or other creative means of "preparation" will be considered as legitimate entries. If you're uncertain what I refer to here, I suggest catching up on the brilliant works of Pinkeye Pete at allpoetry.com/Poets/Pinkeye%20Pete - Pay particular attention to his list "CATS and other foods" and fer chrissakes Pete, stay indoors during storms!!!

76. Trombones led the big parade with a hundred and ten cornets right behind...

77. Is that meatloaf getting freezer burn?

78. No exploding/imploding heads or brains as a result of trying to comprehend all these rules unless you've made prior arrangements for someone else (besides me) to clean up the mess when you're done.

79. Kudos to anyone who can get Bohb to enter. I've seen him repeatedly lurking around in the comments, but as yet he has failed to produce even a measly techno-haiku for me to nitpick at. Same goes for Plinkyponk (well, except for the lurking in comments part) ED. NOTE: The plonkster has come by since the writing of this rule and has spewed her usual splattering of incomprehensible blather all over the contest and in many poem comments too. It was great.

80. Rules that are addressed in comments don't count towards compliance with the entire set of rules. All rules must be addressed in the poetry itself in order to qualify.

81. Attention to pointless rules such as this one may garner some extra credit provided I'm able to discern the correct references from the myriad gobbledygook of writing produced.

82. Tech shaman? Forget it. Not a chance.

83. Tech anything? No way. Unplug your computer right now and donate it to starving children in Africa who could at least benefit from a little spam.

84. Oh yea, and don't forget to refinance your house at the lowest rates in history and we'll throw in v-1-a-g-r-a and c-1-a-l-i-s and all pharmaceuticals at the lowest prices imaginable, not that you care about price because you just finished forwarding that email from Bill Gates to all twenty three of your ex-wives, your cousins and your two friends and now you just gotta sit back and wait for that check for $240987.34 to arrive.

85. By the way, before I forget, your bank sent you an email and although they've forgotten how to use spell-checker, and may even be having some minor difficulty grasping proper sentence structure, they want you to urgently know that they have had a huge identity theft problem lately and to prevent such dastardly things from happening to you, their valuable customer, you must quickly rush off to this page immediately www.I'matotalnumbnutsforbelievingthis.com.uk.org.vz.fu and verify all of your account information because in addition to slovenly recordkeeping, it appears they are now braindead also. Oh yes, and should you fail to comply with this urgent notice, you can be assured that your account will be suspended and all financial transactions recorded and secretly forwarded to the office of the chairthing of the grand high intergalactic council of pre-cast creatures for review.

86. Enough with the "thee" and "thou" crap already! geeez!

87. Runcible spoons are A-Okay!

8. Absolutely no references permitted to the typographical error causing the hideous disfigurement of rule #88 whatsoever.

89. Look... we're almost there. bear with me and it may end this weekend yet...

90. No getting undressed while writing an entry to this contest if teh resulting visual will cause readers to vomit.

91. No elipses...

92. No frozen meatloaf on a stick (remember that?)

93. No making other contests that mimic this contest (fer chrissakes! Why WOULD you??!)

94. No pooling blood except the kind that uses the disappearing ink formula and doesn't ruin teh shag rug any more than it's already ruined by it's gross late-seventies pumpkin-orange aura and shagginess.

95. No fantasy or fantasy creatures. This rule is particularly aimed at those who read through all the other rules and said to themselves "Hey! He never prohibited teh use of fantasy or fantasy creatures! Aha! Now THERE'S something I can write about! oh fuck! Where'd this rule #95 come from?"

96. It is perfectly permissable to invert the "h" and "e" in the word "the" so it comes out "teh", so shut up!

97. If you've experienced the agony of rejection in love recently, you are free to write about it, but not here.

97. NO CHICKENING OUT! THIS MEANS YOU (and others as may wish to chicken out from time to time)!!!

98. If you've ever been electrocuted, and I don't mean some wimpy-assed shock from a doorbell or a vending machine, I'm talking about powerline-fell-on-your-head-in-a-rainstorm or ex-wife-threw-a-toaster-into-your-bathtub electrocution, and you're still able to write, you may ignore all the rest of the rules.

99. My life is nearly over (much to the relief of the general readership I'm sure).

99. 100 points to the first entry that coherently addresses/responds to all rules in some pseudo-sanely indexed and referencable fashion.

100. Well now. This being the first and, likely, *only* one-hundredth and final rule, I think it only fitting to point out that all entries received prior to midnite tonight shall be considered for disqualification via the rules, and all entries after midnite shall be disqualified by AP because you just can't enter into a contest that's been closed for judging. Now assuming I survive the ordeal of judging, I may emerge within the next year to proclaim a winner, or as the case may be, I may proclaim the biggest loser who gets the gold (hahahaha! I'm so mean). Anyhoooo... This was fun. And of course I look forward to those four or five half-assed entries that always manage to sneak in during the last hour of a contest where the writer is thinking "Oh good, this contest is almost over, I'll get instant results, and maybe the judge will be tired and just pick my half-assed entry because it's the most recent thing to pop up on his screen and he's too distracted, tired, or lazy to actually deal with all those other entries." On the other hand, whole-assed entries, even if entered in the last few minutes leading up to midnight will certainly be given all of the summary abuse and respect that the other entries to date have received.



P.S. 50 points to the first entry that is a limerick about the actual number of rules in the contest (yes, that means you need to meticulously count and recount). To qualify, you must of course, somehow incorporate that number into the limerick. Good luck. Oh yes, and it has to be a REAL limerick too, none of that lumpy meterless stuff that people try to pass off as limericks. If I can't easily sing it in rhythm, then don't bother...



So... WHEW! Glad to get those few formalities out of the way. Now, on to the most important rule of all.. HAVE FUN!! YIPPEEEEE!



Oh yes, and please don't expect me to comment on anything let alone every entry. And don't be surprised if I keep extending the closing date indefinitely while you wait to see if that poem you wrote six months ago is going to place or should maybe be pulled from the contest and entered as a prewrite into another contest where it stands a better chance of not being ignored.



Oh yea, and hey - Just for fun, I'm trying to create the biggest damn group on all of AP. But so far we need at least a gajillion more members before we'll even come close to some of the love poetry groups that have well over 1000 members... So if you have nothing to do, or even if you have something to do, here's your chance to become part of something fun and humungous. It's easy to join and doesn't cost anything, there's no entrance exam or other work required. Just click this cryptic-looking link and you're in: allpoetry.com/group/4923/process=poet_group_join



Am I clear? Are you still here?? Good! Get writing!




Contest is Over

  • Contest was judged on May 29, 2007
  • Rewards: Gold: 2000, Silver: 5, Bronze: 2, Honorable mention: 20 people
  • Final notes:
    It's over.

    A bitter disappointment to have not lasted the full year as promised, but rules is rules, and apparently the site rules say 9 months is just too farging long for a contest to run.

    I had fun anyhow, and I know at least a handful of you did too (if you didn't die of mental dehydration whilst reading the rules)

    Till next time...

Contest Winners

  1. cold penguins
    i fell in love with a tea-towel
    but things dried up between us
    by plinkyponk 37 lines, 10 comments, on Oct 15 9:41 AM 2006. In Weird, Adult humor
    Gold trophy winner
    • Commented on by judge. [remove]
  2. Happy Pants Cannot Be Denied
    Outraged girls gone wild
    find sex in Connecticut
    by Ariosto II. 38 lines, 13 comments, on Sep 12 11:54 PM 2006. In Other
    Silver trophy winner
    • Commented on by judge. [remove]
  3. Tuesday
    by onofognol 24 lines, 5 comments, on Nov 22 3:32 AM 2006. In free verse
    Bronze trophy winner
    • Commented on by judge. [remove]
  4. the making
    you there yes you there hiding at the back come to the front / now what the hell do you call this.... / a volcano sir / and did i put in th
    by plinkyponk 30 lines, 5 comments, on May 1 9:17 AM 2007
    Honorable mention
    • Commented on by judge. [remove]
  5. Rules is Rules
    Having laughed at the one hundredth rule / It's quite clear that you're nobody's fool / But I feel I should mention / that this much attention / to detail is just downright cruel...
    by liltandrhyme 4 lines, 3 comments, on May 26 1:42 PM 2007. In Humor
    Honorable mention
    • Commented on by judge. [remove]
  6. 150
    150 rules were in a contest i entered, so now i get to make a song / 150 rules were in a contest i entered, so now you need to sing along... / / its the one-hundered-fifty- s-o-n-g song, the one-hundered-fifty- s-o-n-g
    by torieshawesum 13 lines, 5 comments, on May 6 1:59 PM 2007
    Honorable mention
    • Commented on by judge. [remove]
  7. Elmo Fudd
    by Frank N Beevers 39 lines, 19 comments, on Sep 12 9:43 PM 2006. In Love
    Honorable mention
    • Commented on by judge. [remove]
  8. the Rules Are Loud and Clear, but What the?
    I wear sorongs, with thongs
    Shirts and short skirts
    by freebutsafe 47 lines, 7 comments, on Mar 13 11:05 PM 2007. In Weird, My own style, Lost in thought, Contest
    Honorable mention
    • Commented on by judge. [remove]
  9. Myriad Of Gobbledygook
    I recorded this song in my yellow journal weeks ago.
    by cover fire hero 162 lines, 3 comments, on Mar 18 6:36 AM 2007. In noguest, Weird, Humor, Society, Nonsense, Suicide, Goodbyes
    Honorable mention
    • Commented on by judge. [remove]
  10. Half-assed indeed
    by FabApocalypse 8 lines, 4 comments, on Apr 17 1:21 PM 2007
    Honorable mention
    • Commented on by judge. [remove]

Entries [53]

1 - 53 of 53

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Comments

1 - 30 of 90     1 2 3  next >  (show all)

  • MysticalMelindy
    August 31, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Ahhh, a Monty Python fan.


  • Long Road Home
    August 31, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    You are so right, but wait... how did you know? Did I bury it in the rules somewhere?

  • MysticalMelindy
    August 31, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Aye, sir, you did, a few rules above where you revealed you are also a Douglas Adams fan (I forget if it's him or Terry Pratchett). Oh, and I'm already in your group, so ner, you can't recruit me.


  • Long Road Home
    August 31, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    yes indeedy! It's Adams.

  • Thedragonisgone
    August 31, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I have little ass left from laughing so hard at the rules..


  • Sick Sunshine
    September 1, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    are you seriouse? this contest looks dumb


  • Just waiting
    September 2, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    wow i can't believe i read through all of the rules.. ugggh some of them aren't rules just you rambling.


  • WhollySurrendered
    September 3, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    thweetness

    AWESOME contest! how long did this take to type?!?!

    <3 always,
    K-Jo


  • Alyss in Wonderland
    September 3, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    oh wow.....how long did it take to write out those rules? surprisingly, i read through the ENTIRE thing, as I have no life. this contest sounds hilarious.


  • Tangled Angle
    September 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I give up! I couldn't finish! lol

  • PaperCutoutPerson
    September 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    you see... i was about to enter this lovely contest here when lo and behold mr. meatloaf defrosted, pulled teh abformentioned stick out of his but and wrote bat out of hell 3.5. and the sight of his frostbitten body caused massive amounts of tonights dinner of pea soup to return from whence it came totally and entirely smothering those arrogant worms just as they were beginning to tell bobs tale. surprisingly not a singl drop o soup hit my naked body

    and so he drifted off into obscurity once again as graham chapman rose from the grave due to the power of his holy brother. who was chilling when all of a sudden papa smurf came and popped poor jesus's(to whome i owe my life) blood blister on his toe with a fluffy pink flamingo causing an incessant oozing of poor emo kids onto the icy floor.

    as i saw this pouring out of Lost and torn souls i was gunned down with a police tazor by ye olde mixed kings and queens riding on their lovely donkeys voiding all rules in the contest. meanwhile mrs meradith wilson returned from the dark side of teh moon hand in hand with beauty queen ginger. they marched right up and handed the big GWB a bouquet of flowers as he made a feeble attempt to sergically remove his poor foot from his tenacious jaw.

    however with the realization of the simultaneous breaking of so many rules my head imploded and guess what?!?! you get to clean it up. because the love of my life just dumped me. to ride off on her dragon with that damn knight in shining armor!

    luckily i still have my little puppy gizmo to keep me company

    or at least i did... until- TARNATION - that ridiculously huge black panther crossed my path causing mr timberlake to round up his herd of neo nazi wannabe' skinheads and lawn gnomes(abandoning their ice cream of course) came to destroy my poor gizmo he had naught but time to release his bladder before rigor mortis set in.

    i will cherish that holy yellow snow forever. keeping it of course in meatloafs spot because adams helped him escape from my freezer long ago.

    oh and btw I adhay isthay neonay anagermay howay ookedlay ikelay le eatloafmay. at papa johns pizza none the less. where every day those poor round flattened greasballs teetered on the edge of our conveyorbelt oven longing only for that ten foot drop and a good solid end to their measly existance.

    luckily every day billy(who bears a striking resemblance to mr. wierd al yankovic) shows up to save those poor pizzas from their impending doom. kinda like batman saves the citizens of gotham from the evil pengiun. but thats another story.


    i think thats all 141 in one form or another (unless you count the non rules i didnt break which makes it 146)

    oops i forgot ... i didnt break rule 88... i mean 8 .. i mean 88.... oh i dont know what i mean!!!

    and you see my agony? do you understand why i could not submit a poem?

    im sorry too much was going on and those AP police just wouldnt leave me alone


    • NoWayJo
      March 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      See, it's comments like your that I wish I could applaud just like it was on the old AP!

      Jo


  • Night Phoenix
    September 5, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Aw, I wish this was open for a few more days (yes? maybe?) so I could enter a non-entry to be disqualified because it was entered before midnight. Of course, I can't write about penguins unless I write an entire poem in pig latin, which is terribly tempting, but hey- at least the Yellow Submarine rule was annulled.

    Good luck with this and have fun!


  • Long Road Home
    September 5, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    yes.


  • LadyAmalthea
    September 5, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Oh my! Wow, this is totally amazing I am soooooo tempted to enter but I know I will screw it up from the first line. But, you know, why not try eh? You are fantastically neato and I may join your group. Hee how fun. AAAAAH it took me like 10 minutes to read the pig latin rule, how stupid am I?

    o.0


  • Frank N Beevers
    September 12, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I have a lovely prewrite. No. Strike that. I Have nothing


  • Edna Sweetlove
    September 15, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    What's the betting that no one, absolutely no one, read all of that? And a huge amount of entries to boot. Bravissimo!

  • Long Road Home
    September 15, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I'd bet that only the braindead would read it all the way through, and those who aren't braindead, well... they would be by the time they were done if they did. That aside tho, I consider the contest quite successful if I only have a small handful of entries to read as I typically have little interest in reading most of the crap (and I do mean crap) that's posted to this site. If I wanted to run a popularity contest, the contest title would be "Give me your best love poem", would have no rules, and would allow prewrites. Fuck that shit.


  • BonBon
    September 21, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Oh my goodness. TOO MANY RULES.. i fell asleep on the first sections of.........................
    BonBon

  • Cinnarry gold member
    September 23, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Stor konkurranse De har her!!


  • windhover3 gold member
    September 26, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    in meticulous mode reading contest closed for repairs. head hurts. eyes oozing precious life on cold cold monitor.


  • Romeos captive
    October 9, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    woah... just woah lol

  • Vera Rich
    October 10, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Well, I suppose that those who have dared to enter this competition know what it is about ... but I have to admit that I am totally baffled. What is all this "frozen meatloaf on a stick" business?

  • Long Road Home
    October 10, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Ours is not to question the business of frozen meatloaf, only by freezing with the loaf does one achieve true inner stickiness.


  • Tirrell
    October 10, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Stopped reading the rules befor the fith,laughing a bit much, and started being lazy on reading onward.... You have a great sense of humor, great luck with your contest!
    Ps I like your sunshine boders...


  • micha
    October 14, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I cannot read all these rules, oh dear, but Oh, Oh, I do see plink, the wonderful ms.plink has entered and that at least helps, how?
    maybe it has something to do with penguins and I did see the rule(s) about penguins and lololololol, didya' mean them, SirMayorMostUniqueContestHolderMan?
    I hope to read some of these and am grateful for the smiles I received trying to read rules, ahhhhh, before my brainstopped and well...heh!
    good luck with the contest and happy poemizing to all who dare enter!
    smiley faces staring at me, oh, I must run before they blind me and give me a noseybleed or something, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
    enjoy, smile smile,
    michelinanutzerellalooonytunieboobboopdeedoo

  • Aayla Ancolimon
    October 15, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    The last rule three was monty Python! I loved The Meaning of Life!


  • Long Road Home
    October 15, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    but what about point-ed sticks?


  • cvillelisa
    October 17, 2006
    Edit | Reply


    I think ....
    Bush might be dumb, actually.

    You are whacked aren't you? It is pretty funny. I'm exhausted from all those rules though. I need a nap.







  • zara
    November 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Well, since Plinkyponk, who is my hero, has entered 17 times, I think I shall not. But it's a brilliant contest. Claps for the effort of writing all those rules. You ought to be a poet.

  • zara
    November 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Some glitch of the system has you applauding my comment 6 times, which is great fun, and highly ridiculous, and somehow appropriate.

  • Long Road Home
    November 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Yes... It's a little glitch I discovered that I can sometimes (but not always) exploit when someone is truly deserving


  • Long Road Home
    November 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    and hey... since you're obviously awake at this crazy-assed hour, how about a game of scrabble? :

  • zara
    November 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Sure - what's your login? I'm zaranne. And it's only 9:30 here.

    and what's the trick? I wanna clap like that too.


  • Long Road Home
    November 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    themay0r (that's a zero)


  • Long Road Home
    November 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Holy crap your Internet connection sucks!

  • zara
    November 5, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    No, my connection is very good. It's wordbiz that sucks.


  • leannewales
    November 11, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    *finishes 15th cup of coffee drunk whilst reading the rules* Should there ever be a professional class devoted to writing obscure rules, legible only to other nutters of the class of nutter of the writer, on the subject of poetic etiquette It is highly evident that we have found the leader here! This
    activity is sufficiently worthwhile to support with our enthusiasm and admiration. That, my friends, is a simple fact. But just like poets who spend their lives grappling with abstruse lines or rhyming problems that have little practical application, as long as we are performing this activity (of questionable social value), John must use the language that communicates most clearly to others grappling with similarly tough issues, not to the laymen who complain that they can't understand a word....(you know...the type that put pesky yellow smiley faces on their pages)

    here endeth the first lesson.
    Lots of love from a yellow smiley lay person who doesn't understand
    he he he


  • Fakaba Saa
    November 18, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Wow... I just read every rule. Every few I kept thinking "there's probably only five or six more..."

    I was gravely mistaken and wasted a good forty five minutes of my life.

    Nice.


  • Rev Alimae gold member
    November 22, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Rolling on the floor laughing. Reading those rules basically unscrewed my belly button and caused my bumb to fall off. All I can say is Pass the Gravy please!


  • LadyOfFate
    November 22, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    You have 100 rules and most of the numbers repeat themselves and the rules are nuts. I don't get this. what is it.

    • Long Road Home
      November 22, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      If you don't get it, you definitely shouldn't enter the contest, this contest is ONLY for people who get it. (See the first rule #36 for details)


  • night49500
    November 28, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I was totally thinking about entering this here dandy contest when I read the MAOI part...*sigh* but the rules seem simple enough otherwise.

  • Shadow of Nothing
    December 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    Upon reading the rules, and taking a nap.....

    I fear I have nothing to write
    I am afeared of the rules
    Please help me see the light (not mentioning God either)

    I am speechless, and poemless, although I shall try to respond to every one of the rules before long. Just maybe.....


  • nOva-
    February 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply



    count me in!!




  • Lj-
    February 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is definitely the craziest and most amazing contest I've ever seen. I cannot even attempt to enter it. Best of luck with it.


  • Silvermoon Dragon
    February 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Arggh!

    Are you ever gonna close this thing? Not interested in using my poem as a prewrite elsewhere, as I don't get on here so much any more, but just curious...I think I've had three "we're missing you" emails from Kevin since I entered this lol.


  • acqua
    February 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    All these rules, my eyes are old, but what I could get through were hysterical and helped my day, yupppppppp!
    goody-goody-gooody luck to all who enter and good luck to mr. ruling judge though I thinkity you'll enjoy the judging, wish my brain'd work enough to enter this frozen meatloafed fun, sigh~
    Okay, just had to write something and this is too uniquelyuniquetoignore...
    BEST
    TO
    ALL!
    from a small strange one

  • micha
    February 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    yay...lots of Plink, oooops, my bias is showing, lol...didn't I already comment, hmmm...ohtowriteforthis, again with the hmmmmm....
    weshallseeOMy!
    Truly, though Best to all who enter even tho I may have a bias toward ponks...I am generous of heart and wish all GoodLuckity, truly!

    • micha
      February 16, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      ooops!

      Okay, do all the poems have to come from 2006 and how does one get there, actually I'd like to as it was a better time for me, well...until I moved in the summer, but, I want a time machine, anyway, so....
      I was just dumb enough to wonder if all the entries really were from 2006 and if one wrote one at this time if it would still say 2006...
      Ugh, Ignoreth this, I hope you get though, some fresh new entries no matter what the date will say...sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~
      sneaking away before it is too late which it is but sneaking out anyway....


  • rainyday woman silver member
    February 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Damn

    Dam, and I was gona rite 1 bout Pigeons and use my faverit sunshinesmilyfaced border ta booot. Butt I can't find my flourie swim-cap, just the one with the fruiet on it, and my webcam is broak so I can;t use that pictiur eiether. So I was gona do 1 on the great potted howl, but their stinked almost so I can"t do that eieither. Soew cud I rite a pize on the corect usage of the weight system of the eastern sparrow migratory patterens if I promis to be apolitically corect and use a diferent boarder?
    Just askin

    Cheryl


  • SoldierOfTheCross
    February 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    So...

    How many points do you do not want not have, because you don't approve of not taking bribes...


  • redmarkonthewall
    March 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    lmao, nice rules! very funny you are! Crazy shit.

  • Theasp
    March 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    What's left ?

    My hemmrhoids shrink as I read.


  • prisms
    March 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Just dropping in

    I'm not looking to enter; just saying hey! I was attracted to this contest because last year our marching band's show was titled "Tempus Fugit". Time really does fly!


  • cover fire hero
    March 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    I did it anyway

    I paused a moment
    He thought I shouldn't do it
    But I guess I did

    I thought about it some more
    But I did it anyway
    I didn't think so...

    I write poetry
    For the people that don't think
    Is it attractive?

    Weep weep deep bruises
    My cat died two years ago
    Nobody loves me

    Flowering Emo
    I cut my wrists and cry this
    No no no no no!

    That's not what I want!
    Silly shorts without points
    Adolescent brains

    An Intense debate
    Does not deserve metaphors!
    Phwar! You get the point?


  • I-Am-Custard
    March 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I like this, as others have said (breaking the rules here), very Python/Adams-esque... entered, probably be disqualified, but until I commented here I hadn't actually broken any rules... I hope.


  • -BlackKnight- gold member
    March 29, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    The rules suck.

    • Long Road Home
      May 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      nuh-uh!!

      I win because you said the rules suck.














      Yeah yeah yeah I know that was a long time ago, what can I say? I'm a slow reader...

  • NoWayJo
    March 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    You leave me laughing everytime with these contests, LRH, from Rule #1 right down to Rule # --Whenever I got tired of reading the RULES!

    By the way, if you're truly serious about Rule #73, you may want to think about changing the font color on this post. This is not hardly BLACK and white and I'm sure you want your rules followed to the very last detail!

    Enjoy the contest and if I manage to think of something to fit the context of this contest, I'll be back!

    Jo

    • Long Road Home
      March 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Plenty of opportunity

      I plan on running this contest out the full year before even thinking about closing it... lot's of time for you to concoct the winning entry

      • NoWayJo
        March 30, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        Hey if I have a YEAR, count me IN!!! I may even have these rules memorized by then!

        I love your Contest-Posts, LRH!

        Jo


  • j-ay rose
    March 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    haha ^__^


    • Long Road Home
      April 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Did you se the rule that sez

      no laughing unless you also provide a lame-ass entry to the contest...now go do...


      • j-ay rose
        April 15, 2007
        Edit | Reply

        k, here it is... ready? not yet? how about now? okay? GO!

        blew
        shews
        r
        new.


  • risewiththesmoke
    April 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    jesus christ. you really get it, don't you? i think you might be the sanest person i've ever met.

    • Long Road Home
      April 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Sanity is fleeting

      grab it while you can. Then later when it's slipped from your grasp, make faces at other drivers in traffic and when they come for you, blame the gerbils.


  • Jadegreentiger
    April 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    question...

    Your contest name- Tempus Fugit -where did you find it? I was wondering this because we are playing this song in band. If you didn't get it from the song, what's really funny is the tempo marking: Tempo de molto caffeine! (Lemme tell ya that the xylophone part is just rediculous!)


  • darkwriter24
    April 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Holy geez

    haha - man - there's 2 many rules i read up to like, 38 then got bored - have fun with ur contest tho

  • WhollySurrendered
    April 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    SHEESH

    I Just realized something...my cousin and I decided to enter this contest at a family gathering LAST EASTER! PSHA THIS IS ONE LOOOOOONG CONTEST!!! kudos to you, you have some record here.

  • WhollySurrendered
    April 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I entered this LAST EASTER! wow. could it be? is it finally coming to an end? is it possible?


    I'm not getting my hopes up, I know better than that. you'll reopen it...


  • WhollySurrendered
    April 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    EGAD!

    *sigh*..........

    reopened again.

    woe is me.


  • Hiddenspaces
    April 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    o.0
    ........
    wonderful.did i waste forty-five minutes of my life because of where this poem is?no i dont think so but at the time i think i did.....OMG i exist in two places at once....kool.lol.
    awesome contest though.good luck with it if you ever "finish" it.
    H.


  • Sle3p
    May 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    .......i dont speak piglatin,# 47


  • Radiant-Beauty
    May 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    oh my to many rules for me to read but good luck with your contest


  • BeAuT1FuLlyXxBrOkEn
    May 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    LMFAO

    Your little contest rules cracked me up like you wouldn't believe. I cuoldn't even read all them, for the tears of laughter in my eyes. Especially after reading that you had your standard on rules...and then things like NO frozen meat loaf on a stick? Woah. You need many years of therapy. LOL kidding. Good luck with your contest!


  • Electric Sunrise Moderators member
    May 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    In regards to rule #98, does peeing on elecrtified cattle wire count? If so this means i can infact have meatloaf on a stick


  • Flying-Flamingo13
    May 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow! I entered this contest a loooong time ago! This really is the longest contest on AP!


  • malkinpuss
    May 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    I accidently deleted my limerick and now I can't enter

    But here it is anyway:

    there once was a contest prolific
    with rules that were so unspecific
    a certain contestant went mad
    and what makes it so bad
    she thinks talking like Thirston Powell the III is terrific!

  • Calingaladha
    August 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    In regards to rule #38, the H stands for hopscotching

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