Nothing you could possibly write would be good enough for this contest. That even goes for you folks with 50 gold trophies. You know your favorite poem--the one you wrote during that special moment of overwhelming insight? Terrible. It sucks. Trust us.
Don't enter anything. Stay away. We are holding this contest only to amuse ourselves, because we are fundamentally better people than you are. We are certain that anything you might enter would make us either physically sick, or else sore in the stomach from extended fits of laughter.
We resent having to read your garbage. If you force us to do it, we will make fun of you. It will be easier if we know something really embarrassing about you to torture and blackmail you with. Don't put it in your “poem." Maybe in that little box below it. And as for your "poem" ... well, if it makes us feel too ill, we'll leave jeers in the comments of everything you write for a month.
Things we detest:
1.Whining
2.Blubbering
3.Vampires
4.Your boyfriend
5.Unoriginal crap
6.Idiots
Have you read this far? You have got a lot of nerve. By all means, make your best effort at emerging from the cesspool of futility.
Don't enter anything. Stay away. We are holding this contest only to amuse ourselves, because we are fundamentally better people than you are. We are certain that anything you might enter would make us either physically sick, or else sore in the stomach from extended fits of laughter.
We resent having to read your garbage. If you force us to do it, we will make fun of you. It will be easier if we know something really embarrassing about you to torture and blackmail you with. Don't put it in your “poem." Maybe in that little box below it. And as for your "poem" ... well, if it makes us feel too ill, we'll leave jeers in the comments of everything you write for a month.
Things we detest:
1.Whining
2.Blubbering
3.Vampires
4.Your boyfriend
5.Unoriginal crap
6.Idiots
Have you read this far? You have got a lot of nerve. By all means, make your best effort at emerging from the cesspool of futility.
Contest is Over
- Contest was judged on March 17, 2006
- Rewards: Gold: 300
- Final notes: As predicted, clearly all this work was scraped from a dumpster. In this case, though, the dumptser sits just outside an FTD floral shop, and is emptied once daily.
In seriousness, I am sure I have never before seen a contest full of this much fantastic work. There were poems that I can't even give HM's to that were cup-caliber. I really had a hard time juding. You all wrote these poems for this contest, and I wanted to give you all good, helpful critiques. Unfortunately, a lot of these poems didn't need one. Furthermore, I just needed to start going to sleep less than 5 hours after my bedtime after a certain point.
It just goes without saying that there will be two sets of trophies. I would have to be an idiot not to see that.
Hand me the first envelope please ...
And the fist set of winners are:
Gold- onerios13's brilliant poetic musing, entitled Obviously
Silver- Victory Gin's A Sonnet to Cocaine , which I read again, even after I knew the winners.
Bronze- shastadaisey123's Dreaming, The Ring of Life , for its thoughtfulness and impressive imagery.
Now the other envelope ...
[These people should go here to collect their trophies:
Entries [13]
1 - 13 of 13-
Some poets write
from the heart,• Commented on by judge. -
If I had a pair of shoes
I would draw on themby Mr- Alexander 22 lines, 7 comments, on Feb 19 11:35 PM 2006. In Weird• Commented on by judge. -
dual existence
of death and lifeby Macey Muse 140 lines, 12 comments, on Feb 22 5:37 AM 2006. In Contemporary• Commented on by judge. -
I paint a word
~Hope~by The Third Eye 15 lines, 10 comments, on Feb 24 4:16 AM 2006. In Hope• Commented on by judge. -
Maybe today
is not• Commented on by judge. -
• Commented on by judge.
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truth
the unspoken wordby a n g e l 14 lines, 13 comments, on Mar 1 9:09 PM 2006. In Contemporary• Commented on by judge. -
"I am fundamentally better than you"
And? What else is new?• Commented on by judge. -
obviously.• Commented on by judge.
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sorry, no advance notice here on this one...• Commented on by judge.
Add a comment
Comments
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Poem or Seinfeld, eh? Just so long as my poem isn't compared to a Seinfeld re-run. I fucking hate that show.
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231nfeld
Seinfeld is the best thing since sliced bread, especially compared to what else is on the television. That shit sucks. -
If that's the case, I vote for turning off the tv and reading a book. lol.
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Haha, I totally agree with you. I may end up doing what JustBe did and unplugging my tv for a few years. Maybe by then it won't suck like a pedophile in a preschool.
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LMAO...Oh shit...guess I can't enter that one I just wrote for my vampire boyfriend who likes to blubber AND whine alot!
I hate when that happens...so I guess I'll just have to write some original garbage, eh? 
Fuckin' funny contest, guys. -
Hi, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! are you now feeling better, you slaughter me, I needed a laugh this evening has been a heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvyyyyyyyyyyy,week, of course you are right, how can one satisfy a self crowned god?what ever people enter you will take great joy destroying,lol, think I will open a couple of beers and forget rhyme, forget being educated, sod every one, write what ever I feel like, go out of my way to irratate you, make a voodoo doll in your image and stick pins in it, in the most delicate parts of your anatomy, that alone will make me feel good, what I so love about you is that sweet charm you have, it is so endearing,what do you do for kicks, tear wings off butterflies? should I liken you to a summer's day? no more like a day of black rain,the first beer has done nothing, so here goes on the second, do have fun with your comp. If I do not decide to go to bed out of boredom will see what I can do to irritate you,have a super next few hours,takes a litle time to make the doll, do you have very strong pain killers in the house ? you are going to need them, tatty bye for now. Di
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Hohum, my poem may be slightly too serious for this, ah well... I'll put it up as soon as it gets a title... (drattit, muse!) And I agree with that, I haven't watched telly for almost a year now. Too many soaps for my liking... *shudders*
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Nope. Not too serious.
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Not with hteB's funky title, at least
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Oh man, if you wrote stories, I'd buy them.. speaking of which, I'm excited to see what you enter. Keep on keepin' on
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Well, I turned off my TV in 1996 and moved it to a remote corner of my rec room, the cord draped eloquently over the top of it... it stayed unplugged for 4 years until I had a damn roomie who insisted on putting it in the living room, then begged me to come watch it... I finally gave in, only to fall asleep after the first five minutes into it. He then took it to his bedroom to watch ... after he moved, I put it back in it's proper place in the corner of the rec room, the cord draped complacently over the top of it, where it remains to this day. I'd throw it out but it's an expensive tv and I might want to sell it at a yard sale....if I ever have one... I hate doing those things.
As for you contest... well, I've read all the poems so far and , let me tell you...you have some quality poetry there...
my poetry is pretty bad, though, so maybe I could win a trophy in this one
And I read your author page, too... man, you're a NUT !!!!!
ramblin
Edited on Feb 18, 3:05 p.m. because ''. -
Sounds pleasurable.
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Why thank you. Actually, I think my author's page very clearly states that I am a rare form of herpes.
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With the exception of Macey's entry, how physically sick are you right now? lol
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I grew up without a TV in a fundamentalist pentecostal home where TV was a sin. I don't care. TV sucks. It is the worst tripe on the planet.
NOT that I want to sit around reading the King James Version of the Bible all year either, since I have already done that and can quote whole passages of it in my sleep, not that it mattered since I learned to suck on lolli-lolli better than any reformed drug addict ever did....so I will see if I can come up with something does not involve: Jesus, Vampires, Pot or Brittney Spears.
But having read a lot of really bad poetry lately...I think you guys are in for a hell of a ride around here. LOL>.
Okay, well, never mind. I will shut up now and think about a poem for this contest. And, Morgan for Christ's Sake keep your goddamn herpes to yourself! Sheesh! What are you pathetic or something? LOL.
Anasuya is lying anyway, she would NEVER sit around and read a book when a contest like this was going on. She has already worked out for or five refrains to throw at us in the eleventh hour.
Isn't someone crying about the fucking contest yet?
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Well, if you want, I could cry tears of joy at Anasuya for not including my poem in the mass of nausea-induced poetry (which, I have to say, you were kinda asking for...) that's been submitted so far... Ya know, just so as there's some tears on the page
There ya go
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Yes, yours does not suck. "Here you go" is worth the click, if not for its artistic beauty.
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Ah, is the link good? My comp's too slow for videos
I've been reading them all, if only for the entertainment value. Although I think Beth (hte
may have taken you a might seriously...
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LMAO
Oh, you so got what you deserved. Your poor little bottom will be crimson red by the end of this contest...
You got lucky though Macey Muse has been you're saving grace. Now kiss her pretty toes and tell her, her hair is beautiful like a good little boy. I will come to play later, after I have shaved my legs perhaps... and washed my hair...
By the way, Your paragraphs ought to be separated by a line space for easy reading (you know how we like you lying down easy), your sentence structure is primal (you've been watching 'The tick' too long, muscles aren't everything. So says the moth), and your closing date is tripe (work that truly 'sucks' needs an incubation period for mold growth. Honestly! Everyone knows that!)
How pathetic! -
Fucking Jesus... I'm embarassed for them if such a thing is possible now a'days.
This is a fucking blazing rope trajectory of spent spunk. Somebody flush the toilet there's a dead midget hooker in it bobbing for peanuts.
Edited on Feb 18, 4:20 p.m. because ''. -
It's patently obvious that you're feeling better. I haven't seen you so animated in God knows when.
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'Allo horus8, seems as though you missed to trash my piece? That's too bad, I want to see how bad it sucks.
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Hey! What have you got against midgets? Or hookers? Or dead people? I mean, sheesh.
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So... is the point of this contest to get crap, because I'm not sure I can purposefully write crap? lol. If you'd allowed it, I could probably enter a few pieces of pre-written crap. It's better if shit happens accidentally.
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Hell no. Write something good. That was the whole point in the first place. Not sure why we're only getting shit. horus was talking about going to invite-only.
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I don't know. It could be a fun exercise to tell everyone how badly they suck.
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It was.
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Will you promise to be mean to me if I enter? I like that kind of thing
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We will tear you a new asshole.
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You sexy bitch, you!
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Get down!
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Oh oh! Say it again! Say it again!
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whore.
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It comes naturally
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Shit, you should see my belt.
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I seriously laughed out loud for an extended period about the peanuts thing. That was a riot.
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I'd love to
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I would like to go on record with the claim that I among very few still write in complete sentences and refuse to use chatspeak. Bow down and worship at my feet.
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... and I too have a hankering for a gander at that belt.
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Well, I suppose there is the thing about the smell of fish ... but I was under the impression that you lacked the requisite equipment.
Seems you've created an argument in favor of the proper rearing of whelps. -
I'll only feel like I accomplished something if I lose to a poem using the words "crimson" and "blade". Or better yet "crimson blade".
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Or "drip" and "tears". Those are always winners.
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'fraid we'll have to disappoint you on that count, Ms. Never-told-me-her-name. We're loocking for work that doesn't suck.
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I bet I could use "crimson" and make it sound good! Don't discriminate! Don't be a hater!
I told you my name! Sheesh. How easily men forget me. Weep. -
Your parents were truly evil to name you "Sheesh." I suppose I will call you Bertha.
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That's BIG Bertha to you! And don't you forget it!
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Best of luck with your contest sir. I truly hope they don't all suck!
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I vote for Anasuya and Scott.
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I can't enter. It's my boyfriend's fault, you all understand...
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lol... ummm... hmm not sure how to feel about being invited into something telling me that i'm pathetic. LoL... :-) well i will get to thinking. thanks for inviting me
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Oh my, I hope you didn't invite me because I am pathetic, that, I know this seems pretty fun. I'll call up my vampire friends and ask them how I should put all my blubbering anger towards my 41 year old ex-boyfriend in a rhyming poem
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Oh, I gotta come come back and write for this one. Perhaps "Ode to a Crimson Blade" lol.
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That is not advised
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Love to have you, however.
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You are such a bitch and I love you. I wish I could enter your contest, but I'M A PRE-WRITE KINDA GAL! Good luck in this and if you need any help I'm always here to aid!
Arielle Giselle -
I hope you don't mind that I've entered again, you don't seem to have any limits though, so, ah well! More for horus8 to run through his paper-shredder.
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Actually, this is just be's contest I'm merely here as the drill sargent.
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Ah, but it is you, dear sir, who has been shredding my poem. Justbe has yet to unsheath his claws in my direction.
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Heart attacks blow balls
I don't get it.. how do you go from being elitist to an agnostic with no direction? What about the jeers and the insults? Well.. I look forward to being torn apart, but in the mean time....
I hope your father recovers to better-than-normal status.
Much luck,
Uki -
My father passed from a sole attack.
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My deepest sympathies are with you Morgan and your family.
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hey... that sucks... hope your father recuperates 10,000 cells per second! my best wishes to you and your family! bless ya!
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Sorry to hear that. My mother had 3 of them, two major heart surgeries, and lived ten years longer. It's all up to the great Wrangler in the Sky, I guess. I hope things go well for you and for him.
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Sorry to hear about your Father but so glad He's okay... Josephine.
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ahahhaa.. this is sooo stinkin amusing.. i <33 the i dea for this... ahhaa
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I'm so sorry about your Dad, but I'm glad he'll recover Your family is in my thoughts & please let me know how he's progressing
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I am sorry to hear about your father. Nice contest though. But I wouldn't dear enter. LoL! Hope he is 100% now! Good luck with everything!
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Thank you for your good wishes!
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I might get up the motivation--and might not
How's your father, I wonder? Better, I hope.
I don't feel particularly inspired right now. Maybe I'll just leave a comment below:
On the wanted list,
You can see her mug shots three:
What could she say now?
www.fbi.gov/mostwant/alert/o veraker.htm
And they put in the part about the moustache! Poor thing! Electrolysis, Sunshine? -
The rules for your contest rocks my proverbial socks. That was beautiful. You deserve an Oscar, that was so good! You are now my favorite person, lol, I applaud you!
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I thought I had a chance for a while, before Blkwidow entered a kagillion times, and now onerios is entering, and I know I'm done for. Sigh. It was good while it lasted. lol.
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This will take forever to judge. I can't say positive things like "Look at all of this talent that showed up!" because it would be out of character; so I won't. I'm an elitist, conceited asshole, hell-bent on destroying the self-esteem of the meek and weak. Well, at least for a few days, anyway ...
I believe Kevin Costner said it best in Bull Durham, when he said, "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains." -
Congratulations Morgan and Handrinos, the two of you have managed to whip out the most outstanding line up of talent in such a pathetic contest. LOL. It is stinks in here with greatness! Whew! I do not envy you the judging process. Good luck Soliders.
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what a smashing little contest, you tell those daft wannabees wots wot!
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best wishes to your father...
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Fuck, I was gonna enter something and then forgot to.
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Hehehe...
*evil cackle*
I'm sure Blkwidow77 and I didn't help you any
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I have disposed of my daffodils, they shall trouble horus8 no more... Poor things
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how about i just remove my poem anyway. it was a fuckin' joke. this contest is titled "You are pathetic", i was playing off the title in my response to Anasuya's comment and other comments on how Blkwidow77 has entered so many pieces into the Contest, i didn't notice the other person who entered 4 pieces, or whatever, 'cause they weren't mentioned in the comments.
it was a fuckin' joke. the whole spiel of the "contest" is pretty much a "lighten" up message -- at least in my point-of-view and if people can't lighten up, what's the point?
and YOU applauded one of my comments in the whole "fiasco". that would make you a hypocrite no matter what.
have a nice contest. -
I applauded you.
Don't remove your poem
it's fifty times better than
anything either of them has written. -
i already removed it. the hypocrisy was getting to me -- from both of them. however, if you wish it back in briefly open it, allow prewrites and i'll do that. but only if YOU really want it back in.
otherwise, i see no point. -
Well, I know you were in the top 6 so that's a 1 in 6 chance of winning.
However, I am not your mom.
re-copy your poem, make some tighter adjustments to it (editing)
and re-submit it. We're not going to open up the contest just for
you (for pre-writes). We don't feel like being buried in shit entries. -
okay, mommy. i'll re-edit it but you're still gonna have to re-open the contest briefly so i can re-enter it. i'll let you know when i have edited it so you can "briefly" re-open it so i can enter it back in. and if anyone posts a poem, you can always remove theirs, in that short period of time.
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so, open it up so i can bask in the glory of not placing but being at least 6th.
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fuck it.
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Okay, it's open, rebel.
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Hey, I have an idea, how about everyone just GROWS THE FUCK UP, and tries getting over their goddamn self for one day! Wow! Brillant.
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i can't. i'm an egoist at heart. everything's about me. so, you grow the fuck up.
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LMAO.
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i think my poem would come in handy now
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Sheesh.
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Eh, thanks. What the hell are you talking about?
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Congrats to the wonderful winning entries. They all deserve it. This contest was oodles and oodles of fun.
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Morgan, you did a fine job MAN, fine dang job! Bravo!
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Wowzers...gold...for little ole me??!
Love to all three of you for this most humbling of awards...
. I can now die happy knowing that I was the most pathetic of them all!
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Congratulating ALL!!!
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that was some funny shit.
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Heh, the funniest part was reading the entries of the people who took the contest page's wording seriously. One asshole wrote a poem entitled, "JustBe and horus8." He used a very distinctive style, characterized by the word "fuck," AABB quatrain, and a Minimalist meter evocative of a post-suicide Hemingway, to present his vision of our present and future activities involving sharp objects/masturbation/dead infants/etc., and to otherwise wax idiotic. Needless to say, he got ticketed. I think I DQ'd maybe 12 entries.
The actual contest was fantastic, though. All the entrants expected their work to be viciously derided (over-the-top contest page + horus8 co-host = bloodbath, apparently), and so everyone was receptive to criticism--from myself, Jeremi, Zayra, and one another. Loved it ...except the judging. That was tough.
~Morgan
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Gold trophy winner
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