Ok. So here's the thing. I'm 19 years old and I'll never be able to have children. I'm going to make a layout on what has happened and why I can't have children and then I will tell what I want for this contest.
When I was 17 years old I had my first surgery. I was in terrible pain for a long time and finally I went to see a doctor. He couldn't figure out what was causing so much pain in my stomach after tests were ran so he decided he wanted to do surgery and see what was wrong. When they did the surgery he descovered that I had infection and it destroyed my left ovary. They had to remove my ovary and fallopian tube and the infection. I was in the hospital for a week and then got out. 6 weeks later I was back in the hospital going through a second surgery because the infection had come back and I wasn't healing like I should. I spent another week in the hospital. It took me all summer to heal but I finally made it.
Everything was going fine up until just around my b-day in December when I was about to turn 18. I started having the same pains in my stomach again. Only this time it was worse and I knew something was wrong. 12 days after I turned 18 my dad rushed me to the emergency room because I couldn't breathe from the pain I was in. I was there for about 3 days on pain medication. I don't remember it very well. But I had an emergency hysterectomy. When they went to do surgery they said the infection had come back and had to have been there for months because it had spread from my left ovary all the way to my uterus and right ovary. They were both destroyed in the process. My appendix had burst and the infection had reached my intestines also. They removed my right ovary, uterus, appendix, and about 13 feet of intestines. Because of the major infection I had they were not able to close up my stomach. I was in ICU for a month and I was made to stay in the hospital bed for a month and a half.
I was in the hospital for a total of 4 months. After I was allowed out of bed I had to learn how to walk again. You'd be suprised what a month and a half without walking can do to a person. The surgeons messed up though and during the surgery my right leg had fallen off the operating table and it twisted my knee so badly that it broke the connective tissue in my right knee. They didn't know the extent of the damage to my knee until I went to take my first step. I fell straight to the floor and was not able to get back up. I had to have nurses pick me up and put me back in bed.
All modesty I once had was left at the door of the hospital. My body was exposed to nurses and doctors for 4 months. I wasn't even able to bathe myself. I felt degraded and on top of that I went into a deep depression. I was only 18 years old and unable to ever have children.
I finally got out of the hospital and was home for only 4 days when I had to go back to the emergency room again for a staff infection. I was there for another 8 days before I could go home. I had to go through rigerous physical therapy to learn to walk again.
Now.... on with the contest. I just wanted to give everyone a background on what happened to me within the past few years. I wanted to add detail because what I want is poems written about just that.
Here are your choices on what to write about:
1) Write about not being able to ever become a mother.
2) Write about how scary and lonely it can be in the hospital.
3) Write about having to learn how to walk again.
4) Write about having to get a hysterectomy.
5) Write about all of it put together. (Can earn you extra points if you win)
In the authors comments please tell me which option you chose and try to give me some words of encouragement because I need them. At times I feel I'm going to fall apart at the seems.
You don't have to comment on any of my poetry or other's poetry although it is something nice to do.
Have fun writing and here's a little hint about writing about a specific personal thing: Try putting yourself into the other person's shoes and then writing how you'd feel in that situation.
When I was 17 years old I had my first surgery. I was in terrible pain for a long time and finally I went to see a doctor. He couldn't figure out what was causing so much pain in my stomach after tests were ran so he decided he wanted to do surgery and see what was wrong. When they did the surgery he descovered that I had infection and it destroyed my left ovary. They had to remove my ovary and fallopian tube and the infection. I was in the hospital for a week and then got out. 6 weeks later I was back in the hospital going through a second surgery because the infection had come back and I wasn't healing like I should. I spent another week in the hospital. It took me all summer to heal but I finally made it.
Everything was going fine up until just around my b-day in December when I was about to turn 18. I started having the same pains in my stomach again. Only this time it was worse and I knew something was wrong. 12 days after I turned 18 my dad rushed me to the emergency room because I couldn't breathe from the pain I was in. I was there for about 3 days on pain medication. I don't remember it very well. But I had an emergency hysterectomy. When they went to do surgery they said the infection had come back and had to have been there for months because it had spread from my left ovary all the way to my uterus and right ovary. They were both destroyed in the process. My appendix had burst and the infection had reached my intestines also. They removed my right ovary, uterus, appendix, and about 13 feet of intestines. Because of the major infection I had they were not able to close up my stomach. I was in ICU for a month and I was made to stay in the hospital bed for a month and a half.
I was in the hospital for a total of 4 months. After I was allowed out of bed I had to learn how to walk again. You'd be suprised what a month and a half without walking can do to a person. The surgeons messed up though and during the surgery my right leg had fallen off the operating table and it twisted my knee so badly that it broke the connective tissue in my right knee. They didn't know the extent of the damage to my knee until I went to take my first step. I fell straight to the floor and was not able to get back up. I had to have nurses pick me up and put me back in bed.
All modesty I once had was left at the door of the hospital. My body was exposed to nurses and doctors for 4 months. I wasn't even able to bathe myself. I felt degraded and on top of that I went into a deep depression. I was only 18 years old and unable to ever have children.
I finally got out of the hospital and was home for only 4 days when I had to go back to the emergency room again for a staff infection. I was there for another 8 days before I could go home. I had to go through rigerous physical therapy to learn to walk again.
Now.... on with the contest. I just wanted to give everyone a background on what happened to me within the past few years. I wanted to add detail because what I want is poems written about just that.
Here are your choices on what to write about:
1) Write about not being able to ever become a mother.
2) Write about how scary and lonely it can be in the hospital.
3) Write about having to learn how to walk again.
4) Write about having to get a hysterectomy.
5) Write about all of it put together. (Can earn you extra points if you win)
In the authors comments please tell me which option you chose and try to give me some words of encouragement because I need them. At times I feel I'm going to fall apart at the seems.
You don't have to comment on any of my poetry or other's poetry although it is something nice to do.
Have fun writing and here's a little hint about writing about a specific personal thing: Try putting yourself into the other person's shoes and then writing how you'd feel in that situation.
Contest is Over
- Contest was judged on September 16, 2005
- Rewards: Gold: 400
- Final notes: Thank you ALL for everything you wrote to me. It helped tremendously. Sometimes, everyone needs reassurance and I found it in all your poetry and all your kind words you wrote in the author's comments. I'm sorry you all could not win, but I chose the three poems that I thought best showed how I actually do feel at times. Thank you all again. When I get the chance I will give you all an applause on your comments. I cannot do them all at once because, as you know, you can only give out so many applauses in a day. But I do promise to get to you all. Have a great day everyone and Happy Writing!!!
~PerfectStranger~
Entries [4]
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I cant sleep, i cant breathe, I cant fight the tears any more.
You dont understand! You cant understand!• Commented on by judge. -
Feeling ill, yet doesn't wonna tell.Throwing up, yet doen't wonna tell.23days and mummy still doesn't know.Wondering when this nightmare will en• Commented on by judge.
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Waking up.
Looking around.• Commented on by judge.
Silver trophy winner
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Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I may or may not enter the contest, but indometriosis and such things are very unkind. On the bright side, you can keep all or most of the money you make and spoil yourself instead of your rotten kids forever. If you really need a kid, they're readily available. They're not cheap, but you can afford it. You'll be loaded with all that extra income. And the great thing about money is that it magically breeds more.
Sorry, I'm not mocking you. It's really tough. But you have to look at what you do have and take advantage of it. If you do want children, there are alot of them out there who need a home. You can raise them and give them the benefit of your wisdom. You're not without options. If you are okay without kids, you can make the most of your own life and make yourself your own kid. Give yourself all those things you never had and enjoy them. I shit you not, it's not a bad thing.
Best of luck whatever road you choose. And take care,
Neurosine. -
A really powerfu and heart breaking contest
i am so sorry hun...
there are people out there who decide they do not want to have chldren and then there are people who never get the chance... awww hun your a strong and brave person..keeop that head up hun 
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NEUROSINE!--- i think you are missing the point here! all the money in the world can't buy you the choice to have your own kids---that is the point! the choice has been taken away, my daughter will never be a mother --i will never be a grandmother and money will not heal that pain, and i think your choice of words could have been a little more understanding. mojo
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Wow this is very heart breaking, more than words can say really. And it really sadness me, because I can have problems if I ever have kids, because of my mom having problems with me, and my sis. Anywhoo, I really do wish you the best of luck, and hope things get better for you hun.
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Yea, you can always adopt but it is not the same. I understand that perfectly. I have a disease that causes a lot of pain, called Endometriosis and my MD has told me I will probably have to get a hysterectomy within the next few years (i'm 22 now) because it is so bad and surgery or meds doesn't help.
I just wanted to point out "staff," is actually "staph." That is a nasty ol' infection to have. It sounds as if you've been to hell and back.
Have fun with this contest.
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Presently I haven't the motivation for an exact poem, but I wanted to give you some encouragement. You have had to go through and overcome much more than most of your peers yet are not broken. And yes, it is horrible to think you cannot mother children, raise someone of your own blood. But do not think you cannot be a mother. I have old friends, though now not so close having moved away, where the woman also could not have children. Yet they adopted a lovely son and raised him, which brought great happiness. There are so many abandoned children needing love today, and even if you cannot give birth to a child, you can still become a mother to a lucky baby when you feel you are wanting to have a child. You show great maturity and strength which will help you be an amazing mother, which I hope you one day shall enjoy the experience of.
With love and comfort,
Two Feet Under -
i dont think ill be entering this contest.. im pretty wirters blocked at hte moment..
but i just wanted to say that im so sorry that you went through this.. it sounds so horrible and painful... you are so brave to have made it through... i hope that everything is ok now...
good luck with the contest.. and good luck with stayin out of pain
xoxo stac -
My heart goes out to you in light of your story. I know you can't go back and change what has been done as much as you may want to, but I commend you on your ability to move forward. Bitterness and blame only slow down your own healing and I didn't detect any of that in this bio. If I can get inspired, I'll be back. Best wishes!~vj
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I'm sorry you lost the ability to bear children. i know how much tha means to many women.
but just because you cant have babies, does'nt mean you cant be a mother. There are thousands of children who need foster parents, or even adoption. your love would not be wasted if it went to one of them. You have the heart for it, no doubt about that. -
besides... now you know how us men feel...
we cant have babies either!
sure, we can SIRE them, but that's just not the same thing -
I want to offer encouragement. I found out I had PCOS when I was 19. I am unable to give birth to children with out expensive and painful fertility treatments. I Cannot imagine how difficult all your experiences have been, having your choice of giving birth to children ripped out of your life, but I can understand the pain of not being able to give birth to children. It is heart breaking. I have adopted, though, and there are alot of ups and downs. My daughter is my daughter now, though. Nothing can change that. She even has my exentricities, even though she is developmentally disabled. We are alot alike, personality wise. I hope everything gets better for you. I struggled with depression for MANY years. There is help available, if you need it. Take advantage of any help you can get, I urge you. Have a blessed day!
Willowleaf -
What a horrible ordeal. I really feel for you, it sounds like your Dr’s dropped the ball all around. It sounds like you weren’t properly treated or monitored after the surgeries. My Joe had a staff infection in his back after a simple back surgery had complications, and that was bad enough (they left his incision open too but it only took 6 weeks to close up and he got to home after 5 days.) I’m wondering how the Dr’s could have let your infection get so out of control. Did you have an infectious diseases Dr? When Joe first got the Back infection the Dr who had done the surgery didn’t treat it properly and it spread. After the second surgery (new Dr) to clean the infection out they put him on IV antibiotics for 6 weeks. Then they put him on oral antibiotics for the rest of his life. (that’s because the infection got into the bone) They monitor his blood every couple of months now, but for the first 9 months they did it bi-weekly, to insure that the infection was under control. The first Dr. could have saved us a lot of pain and suffering if he had only listened when Joe and I complained repeatedly about his mounting pain. However he chose to treat Joe like he was an addict looking for a fix instead of doing simple tests to insure that their wasn’t anything wrong. I find that unconscionable. Your story sounds like you got a bum deal from the Dr’s too. I hope that if you feel you did, you have taken steps to make sure they pay.
Joe also had a colostomy/revision/reversal 2 ½ years ago after an accident (they put him back together after 4 months) and I remember how painful the 3 surgeries for that seemed to be. I just can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I certainly can’t imagine how horrible it must have been being stuck in the hospital for so long (Joe’s longest stretch was 12 days and that felt like forever.) let alone in bed. Right now I just want to punch your Dr’s and hug your mama. She sure is a bear when it comes to defending you and you’ve gotta love for it.
I can certainly empathize with the feelings of loss knowing that you can’t have the (biological) children that you desired. Joe and I have been trying for 4 ½ years and we are running out of hope. I never would have imagined that I would not have children. If you’d asked me at anytime in my life what I wanted to be most I would (and still would) have said “a mother.” Life hasn’t worked out that way and now I find myself in the over 40 crowd and hope and time are (or most likely have) running out. Sometimes I wish I was in your shoes. I know it sounds strange from where you’re standing, but I’ve spent so much time and money and heartbreak trying to conceive only to have it fail, that I wish that if God didn’t want me to have children he would have just made it impossible. I know how lucky I am to at least have a small chance, but at the same time it really keeps me from moving on. The truth is I’ve decided that I’m only going to give the Dr’s one more chance and then I’m giving up. Even having decided that, I still can’t imagine how I’m going to accept life without children. I do understand that adoption is not really the same and that no amount of money could make up for the sorrow and disappointment that you are facing. I know how much I long not only to hold my child but to carry him/her and feel the miracle of life growing within me. Most of us take it for granted that when we decided to have children it will happen and we never think about how it would feel if we couldn’t experience what almost everyone else does without thought. But the truth is that those 9 months are but a blink in time. If I was younger I know that I could adopt and love my children no matter how I got them. Oh I’m sure there would be times when I’d wonder what my biological child would look like, but that wouldn’t mean I’d love those I’d adopted any less. But adoption doesn’t seem to be an option for us. Joe’s had so many medical problems and surgeries that money and health are both issues. It’s a shame because we are both very loving people and would make good parents even if we couldn’t’ provide the best (OK may be not even second best) of everything. Joe does have a step-son (with his last wife) and he and his 17 year old girl friend are going to make Joe and me grandparents (of sorts) before the end of the month. I’m trying to find joy in the fact that I won’t have to wait longer to experience that pleasure, but it’s hard for me to think of myself as a grandma when I don’t have any children. Joe at least raised his step-son for 10 years (8-17) so he was used to the idea that he might have grandchildren thru him. Even coming into the boy’s life so late (and after he already a lot of emotional problems) Joe did a wonderful job of raising him. They are very close and they talk all the time. It’s a shame that Joe didn’t get in the picture before his son was abused (beaten) by his “real” father. Maybe that’s what God has planned for you, to save some child/ren from a life like that. I know it isn’t fair, but I’ve learned that you have to make the best out of what you are given to work with. Keeping that in mind don’t EVER let anyone make you feel like you don’t’ have the right to grieve and feel that you have lost something valuable. It never cease to amaze me the hurtful things that others (especially those with children) can say to those of us who are infertile, rather it’s a permanent, temporary or undetermined reason. You will have to decide how you want to treat these comments. Many choose to ignore them or even to hide their infertility. Personally I always speak up and tell others what I’m feeling. I just can’t stand to sit by and let others who are ignorant about how devastating infertility can be to treat is as no more important then having small breasts and wanting larger ones. “yes someone actually equated it to that.” I am so very sorry that you have suffered so much. I will try to write a poem for you contest, if I can shake this writer’s block I’ve had for about 2 weeks. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here. Patti
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How traumatic to go through, and so young. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm sure that doesn't mean a lot to you. You, and people that have gone through things, that's how I get through my hard times. I imagine how much worse it can be. I had surgery at a young age, and never quite healed, and although I don't desire to have children, I can't even imagine what it would feel like to not even have the option.
Learning to walk again, it must have degraded you even more, but, at least you can walk. That's what I keep thinking about.
This Doctor, didn't seem to know what he was talking about, at least that's the way it sounded, but, I hope the depression will ebb away, and there are other options. All you have to do is think that you won't be able to go through pregnancy, and yes, it's a big thing to use, but you can care for a child if you adopt, go through a surrogate, and you can still have the joy of raising someone and being there for them.
If you need to talk, and for some reason don't have someone else that you're closer to, let me know, please.
I hope the poems in your contest give you the support you seem to be looking for. -
wow....i just feel as though i wanna break down and cry as i read your heartfelt story. it takes guts to actually talk about something like that. although i never went through this, i can only imagine your hurt and pain. so young and can't even conceive a child. that truly is a saddening story. i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that.....no one should have to go through that. esp. the ppl that want or wanted children someday. my heart goes out to you!!!!
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Oh hun, I wish I could write something for your contest, but I cant even bare t0o think, I want you to know that my heart goes out to you and that you are very brave to tell people about such a ppersonal thing, You are really young and what you have gonne through should never has happened. But have hope darling, I believe there is a reason for everything, and I know this wont help the pain that you must be going through, but there are many chyildren out there without parents who are looking for a mother, and that mother can be you... Like I said have faith, my heart is with you!
LuV and LoLLiPoPz
Melpomene -
I am very sorry for all the pain you have had. It is very sad that you will never become a bio mother, but there are so many children that need a loving mother and being a mother comes from your heart. It doesn't matter if the child pops out of you, that's not what makes you a mother. Trust me, there are many birth mothers that arn't mothers! If you have the love in your heart, someday you will open your home and make a family. Good luck to you.
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this is so sad! Best of luck to you in your contest!
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Oh my god! That's horrible! You must have had a horrible year! Aaaaw! Well, I guess you can adopt. So maybe that's ok because you'll be rescueing poor abandoned children... So sad.
I would applause this but I don't have any left!
Good luck!
Alice In Wonderland
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