The points are building for 2nd, 3rd and honorables! Thanks to blondeoverblue who donated an incredible 500 points, thekillerinside who gave me 300 points and katsanchez who gave me a big fat 150 points. They are stars! (Who are going to hell for promoting this work).
allpoetry.com/​Poem/1086966
This is a contest for 400 points for first place. I would like to give points for 2nd & 3rd place also, and hopefully points for 3 honorable mentions (1 from each option). For this reason I would appreciate anyone who enters either donating points (5-10 is fine, 300+ I will marry you) but this is NOT a rule. All points given will be split between the places.
I have started re-writing the Bible. (Some of you may have heard of the book, it has some great characters in it!) I would like you to read what I have so far and then write me a poem. There are 3 options, because basically there are three main views on religion. They are as follows;
OPTION ONE You are religious and believe that I am a prick for portraying Jesus and his buddies in the way that I am. Write me a poem telling me how you feel, and what the dangers are to me and my soul.
OPTION TWO You are not particularly religious. But I want you to write me a poem from God's point of view. I have died (include this in your poem, make it interesting! I don't want to die in my sleep, well, I don't mind dying in bed, but not asleep!) and I am being judged by God. What will he say to me for my version of the Bible?
OPTION THREE You are anti-religious. I want you to tell me why, in poetic form!
For those of you choosing option one. I will not enter into an argument with you regardless of what you write. This is your chance to tell me what you feel about it, it is the comments that tell me I am wrong that annoy me because if you don't like it, don't read it! I am asking you, to use your God given talent to defend the Bible and all its teachings. I may even listen to you. After all, I don't think what I am doing is wrong, lots of people have read my version, many who wouldn't pick up a bible if you paid them, and it has the same basic theme as the original, except in mine I portray JC as a homosexual cripple molester. If your poem wins, I will remove my Bible. That is the truth, I swear, well, on my Bible. (And in it occasionally).
And please, to those of you who like my version, please don't argue with anyone who writes a poem in option one, remember I am asking them to! (If anyone posts comments then feel free to discuss!)
A poem from each option will be picked for 1st, 2nd and 3rd. This means a winner from each option. Honorable mentions will be given to the runners up from each group. (I want a winner from each option, even though this means that if the 2nd best poem from say, option 3 is better than the poem that gets bronze from say, option 1. To win a trophy you have to be the best from your option, to win Gold you have to be the best from all three. Does that make sense? In a nutshell, silver may not be as good as the 2nd placed poem from one option, but it was the best one in its option! And as the 2nd placed poem in the other option was behind the 1st placed one in its own option it only gets an honorable mention and points.)
Clear? As mud.
Right, lets go then! To all the ones telling me that I am wrong in writing my version of the Bible, this is your chance to win. (And have it removed permanently.) If you don't bother, then quit reading it to only bash me and not its content!!!
Contest is Over
- Contest was judged on April 15, 2005
- Rewards: Gold: 400
- Final notes: Well, I finally got around to judging it. After 67 poems and a lot of people praying for my salvation.
I have come to many conclusions whilst reading the entries. I think that ALLPOETRY is clearly made up, as the world is, of 4 different types of people. Those who believe in the Bible. Those who don’t believe in the Bible, and those who can’t count. I think I fall into the 5th category.
I am saddened that the quality of the “pro bible” type entries were not very good at all. I think you may have your bible belts too tight to think creatively.
This was your chance to stop me re-writing the bible. So many of you have IM’d me, or left comments saying that I’m wrong for doing it, yet when given the chance to stop me writing (I had suspended all writing whilst this contest ran) all you can do is quote the very same quotey type quoteths from the very same book I don’t believe in!
There were 1 or 2 good entries from option 1 and these will be getting honourable mentions and some points but I have changed my mind about a winner from each category, they simply didn’t come close enough to the quality of other entries and don’t deserve a trophy.
If you have a problem with this, thank you. You’ve made me very happy.
You know who I feel sorry for in all of this sorry mess we call the Bible? Satan. I mean, what has this guy done wrong? When did you last hear about an unholy war? When was the last time he released a plague? Or allowed all boys aged 2 and below murdered?
And isn’t God a sadist? (Well, according to the bible that is). Here is a tree, with some delicious looking apples on it, but you can’t eat them.
I tried this same kind of thinking with my 8yr old nephew. I bought a football, told him it was his, secretly filled it with concrete and told him he is not allowed to kick it. And it is me who gets the blame for his broken foot! I got my idea from God.
Some of the pro-bible entries were funny, I am not sure if that was the intention, however, you must check out this is what will happen by ONFIRE4JESUS simply for the photograph (thanks for the idea), and COUNTRYCOUSIN demonstrates perfectly the mindset of some of those afflicted with religion by warning me my writings could get me killed in his post why you should not trash the bible. Nice.
I couldn’t decide a winner between two of the poems. I will give them both the same amount of points for being joint winners. I was going to decide who won Gold simply by tossing for it, but to be honest, with masturbation being a sin I decided against it, out of respect for the Pope and my sister who washes my sheets. My sister washes my sheets, not the Pope, he is currently blessing worms.
Instead I decided to give Gold to the one who had least Gold trophies. This too became a dilemma because they are both clearly talented fucking shits and have a more Gold than a poet called Midas between them. So then, I tried to enter my poem Giddy on the bible into the contest and give me the Gold but it wouldn’t let me. Then I gave up and had something to eat. I won’t go into details. But it was nice. If a little bland.
Refreshed from my snack I counted the Gold trophies. HORUS8 is awarded the Gold for his rather deep and probably misunderstood by me poem about born again chickens Christ omelette (but if you go to his author page you should know that the photo is actually me and he just wants people to think he is good looking. take it down Horus) with ED PETERSON getting silver but as a joint winner with handprints in the sand. He writes like he has won a few joints in the past but is not only a talented writer he also paints extremely well, he also masturbates into his soup. No one likes a smart ass. LOSER UNIT 00 wins bronze with Easter Sunday, Easter is always my favourite holiday. I always wake up with a resurrection. All three poets are very talented, if you only read the work of one poet today, fuck them lot and read mine.
The following get honourable mentions and a few points for:
A blasphemer’s monologue CIRCUITSBOARD
Only one way to heaven PENNYB
Ode to doorstep Christianity THEBARD
Phantasmagoria BLINDED BY YOU
The mighty prongs ERNEST KUNTZ
A golden road BONNIEQ
Supply problems at the Arc EDNA SWEETLOVE
The lamb of God also by EDNA SWEETLOVE
Reflections on misplaced faith and hope EBENEEZER SWEETLOVE (are you two married?)
The word ALI WISEMAN
One size don’t fit all LIVE LOVE WRITE
Self indictment THEMOOF
I’ve changed MOMOFKALEB
A message to Michael Duvall also by MOMOFKALEB
Thoughts on the bible ANTIPODI
Laugh or cry BIHGIRL369
The above are in no particular order, other than random, which is an order in its self. (Go read my poem Random!)
Also check out Let me pray for you by MEESAP. Simply for the picture, she says it’s a snow globe (with no snow lying at the bottom) IT’S A CRYSTAL BALL!! BURN THE WITCH! LOL
Well thanks guys, this has been as much fun as eating a clown’s brain. I will continue with my bible now, God told me to.
And, at the risk of repeating myself, to all you numbnut bible freaks who tell me I will pay when I am knock knock knocking on heavens door and bowing to God, I am rewriting the bible, mocking the bible. Fortunately for me the bible has absolutely nothing to do with God, so why should He/She/It be angry with me?
The bible was written with one thing in mind. Power. It controls those stupid enough to believe in it. It has NOTHING to do with God.
So please, you had your chances to make me stop re-writing the bible, stop quoting rubbish at me that would only apply if the bible were true.
God is in my heart. Kindly stop pissing in my font.
Entries [25]
1 - 25 of 25
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We are the stepchildren of God• Commented on by judge.
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And guilt, you sheep, with fleece now black;
Is what gives god power and brings you back.• Commented on by judge. -
In my trying to share what I have to say,
I have been fought against in every way.• Commented on by judge. -
Rise up on the foundations
and shout the proclamation• Commented on by judge. -
for if my god exists to me, and another to my neighbor
then do I fight the ideas of my neighbor?by Hi-Milo1989 30 lines, 6 comments, on Sep 10 9:09 PM 2004. In Other• Commented on by judge. -
Catholic school girls are the easiest,
they say.• Commented on by judge. -
The Knife he used,
To slit her throat,• Commented on by judge. -
very loosely based on manson's "the reflecting god"• Commented on by judge.
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Even this idiot bird,
Shouldn't suffer His word.• Commented on by judge. -
The inquisition, intolerance, and holy wars
the bible's interpretationby Bint al Arab 31 lines, 5 comments, on Mar 3 3:57 PM 2005. In Other• Commented on by judge. -
In the beginning was the Fiction
And the Fiction was the Word• Commented on by judge. -
Word against the Holy Word,
That’s the discussion here;• Commented on by judge. -
Loosing Faith is easy. When it's Lost that's it.by JusedCliffe 36 lines, 2 comments, on Mar 12 5:58 PM 2005. In Personal• Commented on by judge.
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God was invented and he is a cliche`,
God was invented, he is a cliche`,• Commented on by judge. -
• Commented on by judge.
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lie to allies, god loves to maim
destiny you had to make to believe• Commented on by judge. -
Bible, Torah, Koran,
Three books with almost the same words.• Commented on by judge. -
There is a time to write and speak and a time to be quiet.
It is up to you to decide which.by CountryCousin 84 lines, 7 comments, on Mar 31 4:23 PM 2005. In Society• Commented on by judge. -
The early stories of the Bible
Were handed down to Moses, they say.• Commented on by judge. -
Should I put on a collar and touch boys,
Just to prove you right?• Commented on by judge. -
To be justified
You must be crusifiedby So much blood 37 lines, 5 comments, on Apr 7 7:25 PM 2005. In Other• Commented on by judge. -
~~ I FELT COMPELLED TO ENTER THIS CONTEST ~~• Commented on by judge.
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And it was said
there will be light• Commented on by judge.
Silver trophy winner
Add a comment
Comments
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I love this concept for a contest. I can donate a few points.
Kat -
BLASPHEMOUS???
God is the only One that may judge you, but beware of His WRATH!!! -
oooohhhhh!!!
and if I knew anything about the bible I just might enter.
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i have put spirit in its kinda religious to me nut tell me what you think. cheers
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Hm. Interesting.
I think I'll be back to read more later. -
Lord have mercy, you have fearlessly opened up a can of worms of biblical proportions (pardon the pun; Herod [Acts 12:23] and Antiochus Epiphanes [2 Macc 9:9]).
I salute you!
I'll definitely be scrounging around to see what kind of ghouls apparate on these pages. **Wrings hands excitedly** TeeHeeHee... -
Sits n chuckles... my thinking cap is on for this. I've reviewed the NIV bible on amazon in what may be classed as an "entertaining" style. Go have a shufti. hehe
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I'll be back in a few days to enter. Cool idea.
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OK so I entered, but my poem doesn't really fit into any of those options (I suppose if any option 1). Hope that's OK.
P.S. I'm kinda new here... how do you donate points?
Edited on Mar 06, 4:14 because ''. -
I wish I could enter my poem in this one but its in another
Cool contest though
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well, "your stuff" is at least mature manure - because the humour is very clever, a dash of wit (so to speak).
i love the alternate meaning you've placed on bible bashing - i did wonder what kind of a contest you were holding - because I couldn't see you enjoying a swarm of "I love Jesus" poems.
all in all, great contest, great concept. -
oh, and i've saved that pic to my computer. only a mind like yours would pick that up.
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i really love your version of the bible, as i have already told you, it makes me laugh so much. I think this contest is such a great idea, if i didn't have writers block right now i would absolutly love to enter. Good luck judging and what-not
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very interesting contest topic. I personaly can not enter because I would get into major trouble if anyone fond out, and considering the fact that all that happens on the computers is monitered... not a good idea for me to do. I did read and comment on some of the poems though. I really like the idea of this contest. :-)
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You said you are re-writing the bible. Do you have a chapter or two up? I'll check your author's page. Great idea for a contest.
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Blimey I had forgotten all about this contest and it's still going strong! You have a stack of entries, glad that it has been so popular
Kat xxx -
This is a cool idea for a contest. I will have to try my hand out at this. No promises though; but I think it might be fun to try it out. Anyhow, great idea. I might even talk some family members into helping you out for some entries.
Hugs
Jess -
good idea
I would have entered this contest, but I think the Bible is a book written by "holy" men who were wacked out on opium or other drugs. (The Old Testament, of course, is what I'm talking about). I have mixed feelings about the New Testament, but there again, I think many of the "authors" of the books in the New Testament were very odd people at the very least. It would be difficult for me to write a defense of the Bible, but I don't really care to write an attack on it either. I commend you for taking the hard choices you have into a contest setting, but I don't think I would care to get involved in it for the above-stated reasons. It wouldn't be hard for me to write an attack on fundamentalists of any religion since I think they are the most dangerous people on earth. That said, I am not "anti-religious". I just don't trust people who are fanatically devoted to every word in the Bible as devine revelation. I think they are crazy. However, you didn't ask for that option. I probably wouldn't have time to write anything now anyway. Too many other things happening. Good luck in your contest. -
i have an entry. i am not sure if i'm following the rules so much in a very round about way. its more a sarcastic satire.
but hey, what have i got to lose.
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Awe Inspiring >:)
Michael I absolutely love your version of the bible...my guy and I split our guts reading it...keep on writing!!!! -
Might want to check out
http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/ -
thanks vashen, that may prove a good source of silliness. thanks again. michael
Edited on Apr 09, 2:35 because 'i put the dick in dicktionary'. -
WOW this has to be one of the best conetsts I've seen. Wish I had something to enter but nothing new in this little head of mine. again Great contest. maybe I'll come up with something new for this contest. ~crinna~
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Are you going to wait until the close of the contest to read each of the entries? ~Melissa♥
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yeah, Ive read some but have loads to go through! planning on doing it thursday, my next day off, dont want to rush through them.
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Is this going for the prize for the longest running contest on AP?
Damn I haven't even entered and the anticipation is still killing me!
Kat xxx -
Bah! I thought this closed weeks ago so I didn't consider putting out any effort to enter! Ahhh well, these are my favorite types of contests of all. You should open up a few more.
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Thanks for the mention & the points. I really enjoyed this contest, and it's nice to find others with the same attitude toward certain things. It is also still sad to be warned and threatened by those who believe too much.
Anyway, excellent idea, and I look forward to reading more of that New Testament... -
Thank you, Michael, for selecting A Golden Road as one of the Honorable Mentions and for the points! And, congratulations on a successful contest.
By the way, you're really a bit late in rewriting the Bible. Didn't you know that the Mormons did that back in the 1800's? Yep, they did and titled it The Book of Mormon.
Love and hugs, B♥nnieQ
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lol, yeah, but when the mormons disappear from that mountain they will take the book with them!
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Who-zaaaaaa...
Thank you Mr. Duvall. -
You have clearly taken leave of you senses. After I went to all that trouble to support your position, and I didn't even get mention. I may never talk to you again. We are both going to hell, anyway.
I kind of know God from the obvious things I see, and I see that the really religious haven't seen God at all. That's my perspective, anyway. I loved your contest and enjoyed your final speech.
You can edit or talk to a moderator, you know.
Andy -
fucking hilhairyarse all around. great contest and thanks for the cup, suckwad.
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no problem ed, I werent just saying it, I couldnt split yours and horus' efforts. I was lying about your paintings tho, you suck. lol. jest.
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Thanks a lot for the trophy...I hope to meet you in hell someday
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Congrats to all the winners. They were all very deserving. I hope you make up another contest soon, Michael.
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You should shove Jesus up your fucking ass.
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Enjoyed your closing comments as much as anything I have read recently
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Thank-you, Michael, for such a wonderful Honorary Mention. I am flattered that I take up so much of your contest. Didn't know you care so much. By the way no I am not a witch, again I can thank-you beacuase I have been called much worse but much more mature people. Maybe my snowglobe, along with the rest of the graphic will become famous here on AP. That would be flattering as well seeing as how I made the graphic myself.
May God Bless You in All you Do!
mees♥p -
and meesa, just to clear things up for the not so bright but also for people who don't believe in the bible, you didnt get an honorary mention, they were in the list above, and points were given for each. I simply mentioned that people should go look at your poem so they could see the picture of your crystal ball.....sorry, I mean the hastily edited picture of your snowglobe.
Edited on Apr 15, 7:29 because ''. -
Well, I saw it as an Honorary Mention. You Mentioned it and I was honored so doesn't that make it an Honorary Mention. You were the one admanet to leave it there. I gave you the opportunity to remove it and you didn't take it. I feel honored it was that important to you to prove a point! Two can play the same game!
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lol, you see it how you like honey, you aint the one who has had the mods telling me "yes its funny, but you know religous people aint got a sense of humour, please say sorry, she's upset."
So yes meesap, two can play this game, seems like only you can lose it though.
If you read it properly it said that honorable mentions got points, you get any points from me? no!
dickwad. (quick, run tell a mod I said dick.)
Edited on Apr 15, 11:55 because ''. -
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It was I who told the mods not worry about it and let you leave it alone because I think you're hilarious! I never said that you said it was an Honorary Mention. I said I took it as an Honorary Mention. I don't need your points, I've got plenty of my own. Now, I see whose the mature one is. You have to revert to childish name calling. I haven't called you names. In fact, I was thanking you for the wonderful credit that you gave me. Don't worry I don't need the mods to protect me I just wanted to see if that ticket thingy really works. You know what? It does! lol! And it is quite odd, because if what you say is correct about what the mods said then they're going between us saying two totally different things because I was told it was a very deragatory joke done in bad taste Hmmm... So your comment about the mods would bug me why?
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well, they are hardly going to say to you the same as they say to me are they, they told me it was wrong to joke about you, I didnt deny that, but they also said you dont have a sense of humour, you cant deny that. lol. I did stick up for you though, I said you must have a sense of humour if you believe the bible. I'm bored of this now, all I said was that you had a drawing of a crystal ball on the poem, which you hastily changed to a snowglobe. it wasnt very derogatory now was it? not unless calling you a witch could be believed.
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Michael, I just wanted to take a second and say thank you for both the points and the mention. You sure had one popular contest! I can't believe all the entries! Hope you had fun. Penny
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thank you, I did, Im ashamed that I get carried away sometimes when debating, my competitive nature Im afraid, just hope I didnt offend anyone.x.
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interesting
I haven't read all the poems on here that were entered for option 1, but I started to read one that was and I am quite surprised at its content, which doesn't seem to express the teachings of the Bible at all. I would have entered this contest in option 1, since I am Christian. It seems ridiculous to me that people judge you so much, and I can really see how people would turn you away from Christianity because of this; however, it is best to keep an open mind. What I mean by this is that it is easy to judge Christianity by the actions of Christians, which does make sense to some extent, but Christians are not perfect. It is best to discover God and Jesus on your own rather than to look to the world or even to some Christians as guides-- Christianity is about trying to live life like Jesus, and sadly, not all Christians reflect this.
I hope you're having a good day. -
i wish i would have known about this contest i would have entered it the photo is a hoot how did you do that? it cracked me up.
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