Kiddie idealism and decisions

So maybe I can’t join the movement full time, or go UG, as they say, but I can serve the people. I want to. Maybe not just in their way.

I've made a decision. As weird as it may sound, I've decided to become a public school teacher.


I know. I told my parents that I was never going to aspire to be a teacher. Number one reason is because I have very little patience with kids. I can't even handle my own little sister. Number two reason is because I have a very hard time speaking in front of class. Well, not really, since I was judged best debater (which is judged on manner, not matter used in speaking, according to debating rules and stuff) in high school. But that was just one lucky strike, I guess, and I don't generally enjoy speaking in public.


What made me change my mind? It's all about LFS. I'm lying low this sem, and making up my mind. The past sem was one of the most inspiring sems I've had because of the movement. I loved the cause, and I loved the people I was with (well, most of the time, but not all of the time). But I was beginning to get confused at times about their ideals and teachings. Some of them were things I just couldn't grasp and some of them my system just ultimately rejected. Like the fact that I was supposed to fight my 'contradictions' (meaning, parents who aren't exactly happy with what I'm doing, and grades that I have to keep up) and find a balance. I couldn't find a perfect reason to betray my parents just for the movement. They didn't do anything bad to me. And if I could do this as honestly as I can, I would. And the grades! Oh my god, the grades. They're not as important to me as learning is. And if I want to show myself I've learned something, then the grades have to be up there somewhere, right? It's a testament of how much I've learned, in my opinion. I'm taking up creative writing subjects, and they're not objective courses. What I will produce will be like a documentation of how much I've learned in the subjects. I need to attend as much classes as possible because this is the only way I know I can learn. And I want to learn about writing. I know Charles Dickens didn't take up creative writing classes, or even finished school, but I'm not him, and some people like me have the opportunity of learning, so why not take advantage of it? It's just really weird for me too, that the movement is fighting for education (among many things) but then it forces me to have to abandon my classes. My education is very important to me not just because my parents pay for it, but because as I said earlier, I want to learn.


I'm not saying here that what the movement is fighting for is not in any way right, it's just that I'm still not sure if what they believe in is something I can believe in, because right now, I'm having a very hard time taking them all in and making myself live in their ideals.


I know I cried when I was asked to join the society, but it was really because I didn't know that I would get that far. It felt like everything had moved too fast. I cried because everything just went by my mind, all asking the same question: am I sure of this? Can I really dedicate my whole life fighting for what they believe in, something that at that time, I wasn't still entirely sure of? Because I was only sure of one thing, and that is, I want to serve the people in any way that I can.


And so I've come to the decision--I want to be a public school teacher. It’s one of the biggest sacrifices one can make. And I’ve decided that that’s what I want to be because of one thing—I would love to mentor children. I want to help them discover what they’re all capable of. And I want to teach those who have very little opportunity in life. There is a struggle for equality in the world—most socialist countries have declined, as capitalist countries have. I want to be one of those who continue to struggle for fairness, even in the smallest way possible. And because I give so much value to education, I guess I can, in my own way, share what I can.


It’s what Prof. Fernandez calls ‘kiddie idealism.’ I know it is. And laughingly, I still indulge in supposedly childhood (incidentally, when I was a child, I didn’t really dream so much of being a hero; it’s only when I was in high school when I started seriously thinking about conquering the world, haha) fantasies of wanting to change the world. But I guess, as one grows older, as I have, you start to think in smaller scales. Things that you have a possibility of accomplishing. And I do think I can do this.


So maybe I can’t join the movement full time, or go UG, as they say, but I can serve the people. I want to. Maybe not just in their way.

ps:
I know a lot of people,especially those I've been with in LFS, will be disappointed in me for doing this. Pero I have to do this: kung hindi ako magiging organisado as a person sa uri ng pagkilos nyo, I won't be much help. Mark, you're one of the most inspiring people I've met ever, sana wag kang magalit sa napagdesisyonan ko.

To Cat: I hope this doesn't change our friendship because you've become one of the most important and best friends I've had ever.

To the rest of LFS Uwide, Ron, Wendell, Leah and Xavier: thanks for the inspiration.

I still believe that what you're fighting for is right and real. But I've made my decision. This is the only way I can say this.

x0x0
Kannika

taken from my blog
exaggeratedease.blogspot.com