I am going insane. Something big is going to happen soon, I just feel it. I don't know whether it's good or bad...but something's going to happen. I haven't done anything to myself since last week and it's killing me (for lack of better wording...the irony is great). I have no outlet. Writing isn't sufficient anymore. It takes away from the constant energy that builds inside me, but I never feel the satisfaction of pain. Nothing feels the same.
Today, I found myself lying on my bed listening to Evvy, wrapped in a cover crying. Why the hell am I crying? The reason can't be found. Am I not drugged up enough? Oh well, my mom'll just rush me off to the doctor's and up my dosage AGAIN. I'm so sick of this. I want it to end NOW. I hate not having the control. I feel little by little that I lose control over my life and all I can do is sit back and watch.
Old habits die hard. The drinking has started yet again. All I can think of is that when all of this pent up energy overflows, what happens when I cut, but I finally go too far?
-ASorry if this scares you.
-A
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Hey, I know we've never really talked that much, and it had been business... but um, I'm here for you. Seriously, if you need to talk, ever... please let me know.
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Why would this scare me.... I live with it every day, after a while the pain turns to numbest, it doesnt hurt you just know its there, every now and then something happens and the pain comes back, but only for a while, have a go cry then back to being numb.... you can't really explain it to anyone, cant really explain it to yourself, it just is. It could be different for you, just what you've written sounds like what I kinda went through, still is going through.
About the control thing.... best advice I can give you, sit back and watch your life unfold before you, its to much pain and energy trying to gain control over it again.
And if you do happen to go to far.... I will come to where ever you are and Kick your ass!!
If you ever need to talk, im an email away, or I can call you
LOVE YOU
-M
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