Dear Flo:
I've got a problem that only you can figure out for me. I'm dyslexic, and was only found out a few years ago. I'm now 37 and my fiance is 38. I thought he was 58, and so I thought it would be wise to marry someone older. Due to my first marriage that failed with a younger man, and him taking everything I had, I went through too much to choose another young one.
When I met this other man, I noticed he was younger-looking than most, but until I saw his age written by the test I took, I was assuming I was going to marry a much older man.
I've now had second thoughts and don't know exactly how to tell him that he's not suited for me. How do I break the news?
Idaho Tater
Dear Idaho Tater:
I nearly ventured to ask what really happened with your first husband and whether you allowed yourself to heal. That is before I noticed the return address on the envelope, and it left a curious title of a company that after I investigated was a sub-company for POD authors( Published on demand). That tells me that you might be ghost-writing this whole thing, and though it makes for a good plot, I can't be an accomplice to anything that will give you free reign to use my personage in your book. At least without paying something. But due to the red tape involved, I will ask that you forget this one and go ahead and write another Aliens sequel, or prequel, or whatever they call one that was in between or before anything ever started with that hideous, but ever so popular horror saga.
Thanks for the set-up....and the memories.
P.S. If it's a hard back and has a 500 or more distribution, let me know. I might have room in event I lose this job for publishing your letter. Oh, and if you are dyslexic, you'll know that was a FIVE in front of two zeros, ...not a 2.
Flo.
The Patokah Pond Herald June 1,2003
Dear Flo:
I'm in need of some advice on my latest boyfriend. He's a nice person,
but never on time. When he shows up he's always late and is wearing less-than-appealing clothes; his hair's green, and has five rings through his lip. My father thinks he's a geek from another planet and my mother thinks he's out to put me through hell before
he goes underground.
I like him okay, but don't know if I'm interested JUST because he's so weird. Do you think that I should continue with him?
Concrete Teen
Dear Concrete Teen:
The fact that you mention him being your 'latest' boyfriend makes me wonder how many you go through and how often you change them. Listen, kid.. Boys aren't socks that must be changed. Your parents mean well
and might have to just discuss what it is about him that you like so well.
Why not have a hamburger grill-out and see how his manners are and his
response is to your family?
In the meantime, keep your socks on. And by the way, see if maybe you
can't pawn him off on your best friend if it turns out he laughs with
spinach in his teeth. Truly, Flo
The Patokah Pond Herald
Dear Flo:
My name is Harvey. Though, I'm not sure. I have amnesia and am a borderline diabetic. It has effected my memory. Also, I am supposed to be a clinical alcoholic. Not a social drinker, but not sure about that either.
Doctor told me that I should minimize my relationships until I get myself straight. But. I may not be THAT either. Straight. I found myself wearing my sister's gown when I went to bed last night. Woke up and...shooooot....I was myself again.
I went to a preacher and asked him to lay hands on me JUST in case it was a demon of some sort. He asked me if I believed it God, and I said. " Yes". He was glad of that. But. The kicker is, when he asked me who I was, I answered "Jeffrey's cousin twice removed". His eyes bugged out of his head and asked me who Jeffrey was. I wasn't sure of that either, other than I had a cat named Jeffrey when I was a little girl..er, I mean a little boy. THEN....he asked me to explain myself further. I said I thought I had amnesia and am a borderline diabetic...that I don't remember things for long. He said,
" Well, how long has this been going on?". And that's when I was stumped and said,
" How long has WHAT been going on?". I tell you. I'm fit to be tied.
TTll me , Flo. What should I do?. Messin' Harvey
Dear Messin':
Whose mind are you messing with? If you think I believe this story, you might as well get hog-tied and send yourself to an old left-wing Pigmie colony where they think eating pigs should put on a spit and are the ONly way to come back in an afterlife. At least they'd know who you are then! You don't need to waste my time with this chicken-cross-the-street tale that is old as Methusaleh, but, incidentally... had more class!
Oh, and in the future, if you think you'll forget who you are, why not clip this article to wake yourself up and for future embarrassment. If I had a dime for every hairtailed spin like this one, I'd be buying my own newspaper business and away from some of you so-called sickies.
No offense, though, right? Flo
Stay tuned in the next issue for more of Flo and her unique counseling columns.
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