"Well, you going to pull those pistol's boy,
or just whistle Dixie?"
Clint Eastwood, The Outlaw Josie Wales
Circa, early 70's.
Well, this is my second time writing this piece.
(Knocks on fiber board) Yeah, so I'm drunk, and
I accidentally erased it speed typing the first time.
Shizer, but that's writing for you. There one minute,
gone the next.
So you think you're a poet, and your friends
all concur. You've had a bit of heartache in your life,
and you're totally train-wreck-miserable. That must make
you a poet? Poof, just like that, as fate would have it.
Wrong, poetry is, and has always been, the cream of the
crop of writers. The ultimate title in the literary world.
The home of such greats as Ezra Pound, and Sylvia
Plath. The few, the proud, the tragically slaughtered.
I was doing an interview the other day (I hope that
doesn't sound too horribly pretentious, but screw you,
I've paid my dues) And she asked me "When I knew
that poetry was my medium of artistic explanations
for the world around me?" For a minute there, I couldn't
remember. Hmmm., was it when my father went to prison,
forcing me to be a kid under the careful watch of the system?
Was it that my mother was a selfish coked out tramp in
need of a hard shove, and a pipe fill?
No, it was Oliver Stone's rendition of "The Doors".
When I saw Val Kilmer doing Jim Morrison, I knew
instantly, my calling in life, and granted, it was a
long hard haul between then and now, I made it.
And it wasn't because I have long brown hair,
and am pleasant on the eyes. It was conviction,
and maintaining an honesty to the craft.
Through a twenty foot pile of retarded goth powdered
freaks convinced that cutting their nipples with a high
speed eraser is something worth writing about. And
friends and loved ones out to secretly trip me up, I managed
to write a book, and it was published. It took me ten
up hill in the snow years, while wading through the worst,
and the best, to get there, shoeless, but when I did,
I fell to the floor, and wept as only a man that's been away from
his origins can. It wasn't all a dream, or a bad case
of indigestion, it was real, and I made sure to
keep it that way, real. Selfless, and compassionate,
from of all places, the most greediest spot on Uranus,
The darkest spinning storm on Jupiter's face. It's what
all poets are born to do. To get beyond themselves,
and into the weightless empty void of space.
A clearer perspective on the infinite.
A lonely place, but a respectable locale
none the less.
Here is a fact, 85% of all published poets have at
least a four year degree in something. Even if that
something is under water basket weaving. A poet
absolutely must take literature seriously. To the point
of eating it, sleeping on it, and using it to stop the bleeding.
And still I have 15 year olds' telling me " But you just
don't get my style." Excuse me, but the last time I checked,
in poetry, style was the firm ability to write a Sonnet, Sestina,
or a Vilanelle at will, not pooping in your Pee-chee folder,
and go running around town calling it the new baby Jesus.
Are there still amateurs out there that think spelling "you"
"U" is hip, and somehow ingenious and original? Total
Ass-hats, yes, that's right, if that's you, please do us a favor,
and keep your diary away from our poetry, it's sacrilegious,
and pitifully depreciating to yourselves and the art.
A poet should be the ultimate Jack of all trades.
A fantastic writer of prose and journalism.
Have a basic concept of editing and structure.
And at least be able to write a haiku, or a lyric,
and if not, you are still a pupil, so shut your pie hole,
and act like one. Because it's pieces of fluff like you
that are urinating in the river we drink out of, and I, for
one, am sick of it. How can I not be when every tit nose
with a high speed modem is out there right now
writing trite, cliche, rancid poetry about their flattened
puppy? What the Hell, this isn't the Special Olympics
okay? Everyone does not go home with a medal.
Poetry is, and has always been, for the best writers,
and the hardest working writers,
not the bottom of the termite inflamed barrel
going over the falls wearing a lap snorkel.
Now you may be asking yourselves "How do I
know whether or not I am a poet, or a fraud?"
Because, well let's face it, Generation Z, is
definitely asleep. Due to video game overdose.
And another new flavoured Dorito enema, bi-monthly
So I took the pleasure of constructing a list,
to assist you in your determination of the inevitable:
1. Do you assume your parents think you're an alien?
2. Is the entire universe against you?
3. Are you too intelligent for school?
4. Do you call up fast food establishments, and claim
that they've wrongfully shorted you an imaginary burger
and fries earlier in the day, and you want justice?
Then go pick up a free meal?
5. Are you a reborn Christian that thinks because
Jesus is now on your team that your 'poetry' is
celestial too?
6. Do you dress the part and look like a raped
vampire on a bad case of tainted viral blood.
While thinking moving to New Orleans is somehow
going to fix your pathetic fantasy life?
7. When you fart do you smell vanilla?
8. Is your nickname Eggbert?
9. Does your mother think letting you eat
honey out of her vagina is spiritual?
10. Do you think ten movies on bong tokes, and
a rare Jimi Hendrix recording gives you the right
to write songs about being a repressed black man
in a white teenage homosexual's frail frame?
If you answered yes to number four you're a poet.
If you answered yes to any of the others, you're an Ass-hat.
There are no refunds, and passing go will not grant you
extra spending cash, or a reason to waste any more of our time.
I suggest you finally find it in your graces to concede nicely
before I hunt you down and show the world your butt-zits.
Yeah, I know there is some 'special' poet out there with butt-
-zits, but at least he, or she, has the common decency to keep
those bursting white heads in their pants, get the hint?
I am a poet, I am twenty nine years old, and I'll be lucky
to hit forty, because I've been repeatedly shelled
by both the idiots, and the Ivy league, and my peers.
Why, because I represent the last of the Mohicans'. The underdog,
I have walked the path of the poet, and I have been humbled.
And like Jesus Christ said to the Leopard "I have spots, that only
God can see." To which the leopard yawned, and replied
"Yeah, well good luck down here DJ Faithful."
I want to leave you now with a positive affirmation.
Just because your mom and dad said you could
do anything in life, does not mean you can."
And on that note, my cigarettes and whiskey are
reminding me that I have bigger fish to fry
than your skinny sticks. If you want to be a poet,
shut up and listen to the poets that have paid their
dues. If you want to keep pretending?
MTV is next door, and they're looking to make you
into a magical can of Pepsi free bullshit, have fun.
\
Included in the list
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Comments
1 - 45 of 45
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This was funny in some parts and I really did enjoy it.
Juarez
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Amen to that!
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If there are a few rotten eggs, you can't just jump to the conclusion that they all are. I do admit that many people don't care much for poetry and when they write, they litterly rape the words and don't have the humility to go get help from experienced poets. I don't even consider myself a poet but I do hope to become one. I'm still learning and i'm eventually going to get better because unlike some of my peers, I read and look over good poetry so I can learn from my mistakes. I might not be able to write Sonnets, Sestinas,or Vilanelles but I will. I don't think I'm too intelligent for school and I don't look like a vampire slut. I don't slit my wrists and I actually put some thought into my poetry. You might be bitter because many teens are wannabe's and prened to care but how do you think I feel when friends show me their poems and I have nothing to say on:"roses are red, violets are blue, I'm suicidal and so are you"? also...lol you described a typical teenager. Believe it or not but we're not all lazy, ignorant pigs.
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Happy to be an Ass-hat pupil. Although, allpoetry is for everyone and if you don't like the stuff you're reading, move on and don't read that poet again would be the obvious suggestion. Barbie. Xx
Edited on Jul 19, 6:53 because 'I know, I know...'. -
how about in Outlaw Josie Wales when the guy they just shot was dying, and the kid suggest that they bury the guy, and Clint spits and says "buzzards gotta eat, same as worms"
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we use to call del taco all the time and tell them they messed up our order to get free food from them cause del taco kicked ass in high school, but I stopped doing that cause i felt bad but then again a free meal is always good when you don't got to pay for it! hahahahahaha
Edited on Apr 07, 8:04 p.m. because ''. -
I'd take you seriously if you'd take off your asshat and quit being a mouth breather, phew.
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Goddamn your a fucker...I fucking hate you, now. I agree with william...except for the part where he said it was good...It sucked because it's all bullshit...the last time I checked,
in poetry, style was the firm ability to write a Sonnet, Sestina,
or a Vilanelle at will,?????that's fuckin bullshit dude...that may be technical skill or somethin'...but not style...because those things have little outlines and shit you have to follow...completely fuckin' up your whole vision and style...
Poetry is, and has always been, for the best writers,
and the hardest working writers??????????no no fucker...it's for anyone who has some shit to say...
fuck you man..
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Why would you think it wouldn't be good? Are you a sexy teenage poet?
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hmmm this was actually really good, I enjoyed it and it kept me awake for once
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p.s. i am joking..
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elitist. its the bad that makes the good.its just fun and words and some of those bad things are funnier than the good things therefore in some ways they are better because they give you a laugh.its the pretentious stuff in the middle that i dont like the stuff that tries to be good instead of being real~ copycat poetry like haiku and villanes and rhyming which copy the format of others cos they cant think of their own format. loved the evil face of the sun shining down on all of this to put things in perspective.
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No William, just better than you.
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Wow. I'm not kidding myself into thinking I'm NOT one of the "non-poets" you're talking about, so you know. This is a great article ('course, I'm so used to reading my own bullsh** I'd probably call ANYTHING great), and I agree with almost everything to which I can agree. Awesome...article?
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Love Poems for the Sick.
Why are AP poems so often deadly serious?
Why are nearly all the love-ballads so sad?
Their rampant morbidity is hilarious
And, which is worse, the standard is so bad!
I’m sick of broken hearts and love rejected,
Of suicidal outbursts and the rage
Of unrequited love or unsuspected
Jealous tantrums no excuses can assuage.
On the other hand, I’m also tired of hearing
All that slush about the purity of love
How the souls extol, the hearts are ever bearing
Adoration for men sent from heaven above.
And I utterly deplore those graveyard blunders
Or the overstated Valentinian mush
Or celestial calls to Nature and her Wonders
Written ‘specially for Contests in a rush.
Why does every f..…g mediocre ‘poet’
Writing hackneyed, clichéd phrases by the mile
Get applauds from commenters who think they ‘know it’
Irrespective of the content or the style?
Oh! Some greater mind than mine already stated
That acrostic poems as tributes are so sweet
But their value has been highly over-rated
As the writer and the writee rarely meet.
So let’s have a great poetic revolution
Sweep the sand, to coin a phrase or make a point,
Let some rising genius offer a solution
To the problems that leave noses out of joint.
Edited on Feb 17, 9:56 p.m. because ''. -
Brillant.
All I can say after reading this is...........................
but I seriously agree with 94,1/2%of what you write here.
I question though, your spelling of "mohiccans".
Keep going. You are surely heading somewhere!!!! -
Fucking fresh fruit....gets ya everytime..
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Just another guise
WoW! Awesome! Great write, dude. You rock.
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Precisely, hence the whiskey, and the under the table hiding with the flashlight and the short wave radio.
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One should not mention that name, for the evil it invokes .. do you not feel the terror building, threatening to eat your very soul?
Ok, so maybe a little over-dramatic, but still .. ewww Republicans .. -
Oh, I do apologize. Any how this is a column, and a true story.
About how poetry service both the great and the retarded.
Unfortunately, the internet has now brought in a third party.
The Republicans. -
hehe Ms. Bunny (I don't claim to be a lady) stands corrected chuckles
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I can only imagine.
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I never said didley about any beatnicks, and for future information, on your be half, no one in their right mind associates beatniks with whiskey sir bunny, only carrot juice, coffe cake and communism. I'm an anarchist elitist, that's like the difference between a hamster wearing a french beret and riding a pipe bomb into a cafe chocolate revolution and Uranus, and I'm not arrogant, I'm confident, I was arrogant last year and it gave me chlymidia, twice.
Edited on Feb 17, 6:22 p.m. because ''. -
haha u're funny when u get like that...
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Obviously.
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Well, I must agree with you on most things here, except that you also seem to think only "beatnik" types are poets? Sorry, whiskey isn't my thing, I prefer high grade vodka, and I stopped smoking - don't wanna die before I see the end of the world, y'know ...
But I must say, it is annoying to see all these people say "I don't want to learn any form poetry, I like my own form fine" .. because, in my opinion, when you stop learning, and improving yourself, you stop being a boon to society, and just start being a waste of oxygen that could be put to better use sending electric shocks between the brain cells of the next great thing.
How can you change the world if you don't know what needs changed?
Very nicely written, horus ..
I must say, I think you're an arrogant prick at the worst of times,
but that's what keeps me coming back to see what new thing you've cooked up!
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um... tis a bit self-righteous, don't u think? hmm... well i know u to be one for non-conformity, so this seems to contradict some of your previously expressed views. oh well, i guess that's what the human race does as a hobby anyway. i don't agree with ur poem lol but uhh... good job anyway? Jesus Christ on a pogo stick! that's hilarious. well, also kinda sick. in a strange twisted way. *sigh* i don't knoooooow
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Hey, does it count if i used to call the fast food restaraunts when I was younger? Hahahahaha,
This is fantastic. You are a poet! Wanna know how I know, because I read the whole damn poem and agreed with 95% of it, and it takes a wordsmith to know a wordsmith. You have some real raunchy stuff my friend but a poet you absolutely are, who the fuck says it's all got to be clean and shiny, angelic and soft? Boy how I deplore the "U" instead of "you". What does it take to write it correctly? Selfless poetry is not obvious to all. Sometimes self gets in the way of an honest write. This is very well written. Did it just spew from your psyche or did you give this write some thought. Seems to me you just wrote what you were thinking and feeling and that is poetry. Controversial you are, and that is poetry. Unsafe is you, and that is poetry. Keep penning. I have enjoyed my visit! I have missed your insight.
Lynnette
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I always wanted that theme song to be played when I walk down the aisle at my wedding......lol. I read this earlier and believe it or not actually thought upon it during the day.... I wonder about my own arrogance...and my attitude at this site.... I've come to the conclusion that I'm only a therapy writer... maybe that's the worst type of writer... don't know... I'm not seeking to get published.. but I do want to learn to be better at this writing thing.... So I know I have much to learn... anyhow, I'm rambling... Unlike most poems here, this one left me thinking. Praise be to horus....lol.
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My head hurts... Start with an abuade, then work your way to A Sonnet, they're tough to write. The sestina is however the ultimate.
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OK, so I read that. Impressive, special...but now I have a question. If I said yes to all of them...does that make me an inbred?
A/E/S
Edited on Feb 15, 2:40 p.m. because ''. -
f/u, horus8, i've been asking you to help me learn how to write a sonnet for weeks, douche bag, and you turn your head and act like i don't exist. yeah, i got my library card and a stack of poem books all around me, but shit, if i can't come to sit at the fucking feet of a master and ask for help then you don't deserve to post this in education. share what you have, man, if you've reached the pinnacle, help make this ugly poem world a better place and answer your students when they beg of your attention. or else, put this puppy under Vulgar Machismo. bye the way, good morning.
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Jamie: You can't kill 'em all, Josie.
Josey Wales: That's a fact.
Jamie: Then why are you doing this?
Josey Wales: Because I ain't got nothin' better to do, kid.
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Where do you wear an ass-hat? No seriously, on your ass? Or on your head? Does it look like an ass, or merely signify some of the asslike qualities of humanity... or hats? Where do you wear an ass-hat? To the park? To the ballgame? To the opera? To meet your connection? Would you wear an ass-hat in the White House? Hey, if you do infact wear an ass-hat on your noggin, does that mean you have to sit on your head? And what, said Emily Post, if you are wearing a skirt, as all nice young ladies should? Does an ass-hat match a nice gown? Would you wear one to an awards ceremony? I finally see where this is leading. The light shines upon my wonder-wander... Britney Spears is an ass-hat.
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aw you had a real bad time didnt you getting there...i like it when you rant ...
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" baby, did a bad bad thing"
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Hell...if none of us can see ourselves in your list of pretenders, then some of us are lying to ourselves.
Just shoot me first - the rest will fall right into line (that's my theory of crowd control) and I'll have at least been a martyr for the poetical cause.
Good column - bit preachy and most will dismiss you as Christ on a Pogo stick, but its bouncy and you stopped right before you fell off. -
HAHAHAHAH okay..okay.. when he's watching Renee Russo walking down the steps..
"If she turns around, she likes me... go on turn around"
I love the part in Josie where he shoots the guy in the foot -
When he spit on that dog'd head, God I just died laughing, but here's another one. "Josie,stay with me Josie, it's all going black..."
"Be quite kid, if it's going to happen, might as well be now"
(spits for emphasis) damn Blues have won anyway. -
It was Clint ya see.. I have always loved Clint.. the quote just made me smile.. and that is another story of when I went to watch that film at the cinema on a hot date
hehehehehhehehhe
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Terrific!
LMMFAO...great write...this was highly critical but i loved it...just the way you worded it...it's so much more i could say but fantastic job -
What are younger peers for if not pushing the envelope even further into an Enron shredder on perpetual reload
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As Nyx said.. this is a great rant.. filled with intensity and out-rage.. well it's better than in-rage.. hehehhheheh good piece Nephew!!??
~GILL~xxx -
*ROLLS WITH LAUGHTER*
i ADORE your rants! they are, the epitome of precision and complete common sense!! they also make me laugh.
my usual response to people like that..."Please stop speaking stupid, it's offensive and I dont understand you!"
wonderfuL!
Nyx...
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