Yes, kiddies... I'm back with another column.
Granted, not in the normal matutinal manner,
but it's here nonetheless.
Loaded with top secret goodies from the crypt.
The "sheer power of mayonnaise" he says?
What is he high. Completely off his rocker?
Yes, and no... what I mean is this:
First off, mayonnaise makes one's sandwich go mmm...
good, right? Granted, there are those that hate mayonnaise,
and even some as bold as to go so far as to depise it along
with mustard? For crying out loud. Criminal, I know, but true.
However, what I'm using mayonnaise 'for' here today?
Is as a metaphor for the difference it can make in one's
sandwich if your said 'sandwich' was really say, a poem.
Because, poetry is layered at least the best poems are.
In fact, in life, the best things usually are. Movies, music,
and so on... So why not poetry? Mayonnaise people, that's
what you are missing, and I'm selling it here today. now I
know you all must be thinking "Hey, damnit? I gotz my naisse
kicking, I'm flossing my spread! What the hell does Horus8
mean?" But don't kid yourself people? All mayonnaise goes
bad which is why you have to be very aware at your poetic
picnics. Lest you fell your peers with poetry poisoning.
Leaving them clutching and clawing at their beer holster
hats and fanny packs. Now you don't want that do you?
What I mean is poetry fluctuates. Therefore, so should you.
It is no place for lazy cheeseparers, or burnt out hippy fodder.
I have taken the liberty of making you, my friends, a list
of Horus8's magical carvers, grinders, and stacker medlies.
(Loose sandwich terms for experts) Please feel free to put
on your helmets this could get a bit ellipsodial.
1. No poet gets to be a poet without knowing and reading
other famous poets. Familiarize yourself with the best to
be your best. Otherwise no one will take you seriously.
That means Garcia Lorka people not just E. A. Poe.
That means Rimbaud people not just T. S. Elliot.
That way you can use what you've learned from them,
or actually quote them to add mayonnaise to your poetry.
2. A title that hits them in the nuts, the face, and the soul
simultaneously. A real sticker like in gymnastics.
3. Not overly long, after all this is poetry. (The trick is
when you're good, no one cares, but give them that option
first). Let them get use to you before you drop the Illiad out.
4. Make it about something other than just you.
A. Refrain from cutting yourself.
B. Suicide, whining, crying, moaning etc...
C. Do not write poetry because you need attention.
Write it because others do. Rumi's a great example.
D. Do what I did? Everytime you start getting pitiful?
read Voltaire's "Candide", it works everytime.
5. Find interesting words, new terms, different language.
Make your readers think, and want to discover what you're
hiding, or slowly revealing. It's all about what you reveal,
what you give, and what you keep for yourself, secret.
6. For christ sake change your structures and styles often.
A. Haikus, senryus
B. Vilanelles, "paralenelles [sic]"
C. Sestinas, sonnets, limericks
D. Odes, freeverse, lyrics etc... dada.
7. Live the words, but not for too long, meaning
don't kill yourself figuring out Jim Caroll because
you thought you needed to shoot junk to get it. But
at the same time don't be afraid to slum a little to
garnish material and get into a frame of mind.
"Bukowski" did this and many many others.
Not everyone can be as rich as Lord Byron,
and still write that well.
8. Ferking edit, any Jackass that says "Ferk dude, I
don't edit anything, that's my first and only draft"? Should
have is head examined, and his anus along with it.
9. Get feedback, and be ready to get called on shite if it sucks.
Otherwise, get the hell out of the poetic hustle you're hopeless.
10. Don't be afraid to experiment, and I mean this
'in the nucleur'. Find your own voice. Something about you
that's unique, and use it to your advantage. Examples:
A. Your age, a disabilty, where you live, your nationality,
even your religion, but beware of doing this because it can
blow up in your face. If you are going to write a poem on
the Lincoln monument, in Seal blood, naked while chanting
the Kabalah? Be ready to go to jail, you'll be famous, but
slightly indisposed, so use your heads, and be different.
Please don't sell jesus because he's cool and performed
miracles, because there is no way you can do it better than
it's already been written? Duh. So improvise, read the
dead sea scrolls, I don't know, something, but don't sell
him like a flyer at a front door, and that goes for you
Satanists too, nobody gives a ferk about how you are
so bad and evil because you sold your soul to the devil
for a lifetime supply of mac and cheese and a blow job
from Carmen Electra, so find a new angle.
Well, that's all I have for now. I will be writing the other
twenty or so after the pool boy's done giving me my back
rub... Ciao.
And remember, poetry, is like a sandwich, and when it
comes to condiments? Don't forget the sheer power of mayonnaise.
Yes, kiddies... I'm back with another column.
Granted not in the normal matutinal manner,
Granted not in the normal matutinal manner,
Included in the list
Add a comment
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
-
A modern day "Essay on criticism", yes?
Very true about having a killer title. I suck with titles
. Any advice?
-
Very informational...Very functional style of writing.
No doubt horus you are an ORIGINAL!
Some very original advice on this one. I wonder why you never left me a comment...
Muse -
that was a fantastically writen column, very informational, and well put, ill heed your advice in the future, as you are right most wrioters get stuck in a rut of one form or one topic, i do try to expand on topics, and forms, even tho most of my stuff is free form, i try to writ ein form on occasion,sometimes it doesnt suck to, its amazing, as for expressiosn and languages as well, need to explore more, learn a new language and wahtever as long as its original, most poetry lakcs originality alot of the time
anyways loved it
peace , eoj -
What's the difference between the two though you are right?
Candid and Candide, or say of being Earnest? -
i like your column, but i have to say all the misplaced question marks had me more than a bit distracted. also, my inner copy-editor insists that i mention that it's Candide, not Candid. you make a great point, though.
cheers!
-misnomer -
i like mayonaise
-
Nice advice on "mynoinse" lol and this was kewl nice advicery
-
dam you are so critical i love it a challenge to look forward to great colum so i guess i need to hit the libaray unless u want to borrow me some books i know you got a house ful, but you know i like writing naughty stories but i can write other stuff i guess i just like to be bad
-
Simply Ripping
Vell, the day vasn't a total loss - I learned a new word, matutinal, which is in itself most remarkable. Must'a missed it on the first read through of the dictionary.
This is a lovely erudite call to arms and a speech we should all take to stuff down our drawers (for later perusal). Yah, heady stuff. I feel inspired already (or possibly hungry).
On a more serious note - t'was indeed a fine column. No doubt we could all use a little shaking up on our matutinal walk and learn to see the world in a slightly different focus. -
Not true, sounds delightful, bear your heart. You're a muse, I'll work for your blessings any day. Sounds like you are starting quite the collection. I, myself, collect too.
-
Professor, you are most demanding. As I pressed the submit button on what I believe to be my coming out piece, Fellatio and the True Meaning of Poetry in My Life, you simultaneously begin a second class. My at home reading this week has been Ted Huges and Will, as usual, but especially because I added to my collection this week a lovely 1936 Complete Works purchased for $1 at an Estate Sale (in it wee treasure snipet- 1973 Boston Phoenix review of Richard III staring Al Pacino) and I seem to be stuck on British lingo especially the word chuffed and other assorted tastys that appears in plinks work). Oh, I'm sure you are too busy to care and listen to my endless student chatter. I simply place the red apple on your desk and return to my seat to suffer some more.
-
Maybe I ought to listen
And care a little about this subject
You see, I am a poet
Oh, no I admitted it
Now I have to live up to the lie
Now I have to feel it
And
I am a bit trepidatious about
Sharing my insides with all those people
Eeep.
(This is in tribute to all of those acrostics people have on their author pages that someone wrote for them about their name.)
(You made me look up a word... thanks.) -
Hey, that's some good advice, there. I don't like mayonnaise very much, because of the fattening side of the whole white, gelatinous blob, but in moderation, very tasty.
Anyhoo, keep it up-
The Eggman -
bukowski rocks
-
sickness
This is great very interesting... I am glad to have read it and I think that you have a great background to and the title is cool.... this inspired me hope to read more columns and stuff from you thanx for the info.
~predatorsgirl~
kim
p3@ce out 
-
i must try harder i must try harder i must try harder i must try hader i must try harder i must try harder i must try harder i must try harder i must try harder i must try harder i mush try hirier i mush try hairier i mushtache hairy i mustache hairy
i must ache hairy i must ache i moustache i am a moustache from hairysnotsville...i feel inspired already. thanks. fairy nice tittle. -
This is some wonderful advice here..and you've given it quite creatively. I couldn't help laughing out loud at some points (i.e. where your title should hit them), and that made it easier to pay attention and to absorb. I'll refer back to this as needed, and I hope many others will as well. Thanks for sharing! Naena
Adding your comment:
1 - 17 of 17
