Alistair Parker is a service user at the Ayr Action for Mental Health in Strathyre House, Ayr and facilitator of the Creative Writing Group.
Here he gives his views of the common and often misunderstood emotions that are often lost in the hidden pains of depression.
"I look and talk just like any other normal, overweight guy of 44 years, but underneath hidden away and only visible to myself is the “Depression Monster”.
To face combat with my monster I have to try and keep myself busy for most of the time so as not to allow the depression the time to get a grip of me.
I am an active member of the AAMH and spend a sociable amount of my ‘freetime’ within the ‘Big Hoose’! There are many activity groups on the go at the AAMH and one group in particular that appealed to me was the writing group.
Being a writer allows me to vent my anger, my compassion and my depression. It allows me to be recognised for what I am, once I have added my signature to my work. If I put the reading of my work on the same parallel of listening to me then this too helps me when I need to be heard.
Aswell as this I am indirectly involved in several other groups and look forward to the fortnightly members open meetings where I can voice mine and others discontent on the happenings and shenanigans that go on within the ‘Big Hoose’.
I've found out that more and more people with mental health problems can be and often are their own worst enemies and this I sum up in two lines:
“People with mental health issues
very often place themselves, upon the shelves!!!”
It annoys me when those with mental health problems prefer to hide the fact from the big outside world and then are the same people who complain that nothing is ever done for them. ‘Things can only change when others know that something needs changing’ is my attitude on that and I’m quite happy to announce to the world that ‘I’m Mental’ as the bumper sticker I received from the EFMH in America says!
While depression isn’t always visible and I can appear to be getting on with my life quite happily, at times I often really feel lousy and miserable. Its like the old saying, “more faces than the tower clock”!
Very often I wish that there were some visible signs of the pain and suffering that I go through then people would know that I cant always be the ‘big happy guy’ they want me to be! The opposite side to this though is that people have enough troubles and problems of their own and I wouldn’t want to burden them anymore with mine.
Sometimes it’s hard and although I’m often surrounded by many, I can also feel lonely at the same time. It makes it easier knowing that those that know me well enough know of the pain and grief behind the smiles. This support helps me to keep going and can quite often swing the moods of a depressed useless no-gooder back to round to the happy useful type of person that I’d rather be known as."
I tried to write this as if it were an interview but don't know if it worked...
maybe I just burbled like a budgie instead!!!
Ayr Action for Mental Health...
'I’m Mental’.........
'I’m Mental’.........
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Ali I always follow your life with care and interest when I can....from my point of view having been a mental health nurse for over 20 years (my entire working life)...you are an inspiriation to others who suffer from depression...for many years I truly believed I was a good nurse...That I knew my job well and was totally aware of how and what people felt during times of illness...not so...it wasn't until I became ill myself that I truly understood....I'm glad it happened I went back to work with a different attitude and it was then that my career took off eventually leading me to manage a unit for rehabilitation for adults with depression mental health issues and addictions....it was during this time that I met a young man named Named David....he was recovering from severe depression and was also suffering schitzophrenia....David like Ali had found the best way to keep from falling backwards was to keep busy....he asked if he could attend a staff meeting one day...we were a little taken aback because resident/staff meetings were already a regular event...but I agreed because I was intrigued....That meeting revolutionised the way we did things and respect and demand for the unit grew at a rapid rate...What did he say?...he suggested replacing the head of each group with a resident instead of a member of staff.......staff were to be present but only to take minutes...i.e...Cathy who had many self harm issue's and experiences led the self harm group....Sime ran the addicts group etc etc....this may not seem remarkable to you but 10 years ago it was unheard of....the results were amazing and staffing structures changed from an up front, caring and rather controling attitude to one of a more listening supporting and encouraging roll...people began recovering very quickly and the place began to fill with the sound of laughter from both residents and staff...I know I have rambled on and I am very sorry...but it was one of the most memorable and enjoyable parts of my whole working life....hugs...leanne xx (I have of course changed the names of the real people involved having not seeked their permission to tell this story))
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fandabulous support
Thank you all for your support and I hope that I have induced a small source of information that was sorely missing and / or ignored in society today as we are led to believe it should be -
hey i really liked this story/interview. Great job at writing it out.
shades of nothingnes -
Once, upon not recieving my ginger prawns at the local eatery. I snapped and pulled out a bag of msg and started to rub it all over my body. People, upon seeing my hairy waffle shaped but cheeks paniced and ran for the emergency exit... have you ever seen 50 people try to fit out a 3x7 opening? It's painfully curing experience, and you will find yourself wondering what had you down to begin with.
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that was lovely to read and you came across as strong. i have manic depression so i empathise with you.keeping busy is so right. i liked the way you wrote this it was very well balanced.
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I Won't sit here and tell you about how depression works how it is seen to society and stuff like that, but I will say. Thank you for an insight to it.
Well written, all the best.
Natalia -
Depression is a dreadful demon that strikes each individual differently. Taking a stand against something that we know goes against the grain within us is very hard to do. You my friend have accomplished a small peek into the disease, and how it bridles it's inhabitant. Keep sharing, for the interview here has helped me to take notice of my own ill health at times. I am suffering from the onset of Menopause, and I have bouts of depression that are nearly unbearable. Now that I know what the hell it is I am equipped to fight. Yet, until I was willing to share my experiences with someone who could help, I was stuck. Thank you for sharing this expression of hope and relief. Stupidity or mentality has little to do with it. Emotions that are downed like hot wires are the culprit. Keep sharing them. Excellent write. Thank you so.
Much Love,
Renee
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Dealing with severe depression is difficult on the best of days. I think its wonderful that you have taken the bull by the horns so to speak and found support groups and an organization that helps you by providing activities, etc. I have had my own bout with clinical depression, and after my breakdown and recovery, I never looked at depression the same. I had always thought I was too strong to get in that shape - but I now know what 'that shape' is and it could happen to anybody, no matter how strong they are. We all have issues, and sometimes we also have to deal with chemical imbalances that cause these types of things. You have my utmost respect for writing about this subject, I would like to see this as a column as well, as it would be helpful for everyone on the site to be aware of how serious Depression can be - and also to realize that sometimes there are things going on inside that don't show on the outside. Dangerous to make assumptions about people based on what we see.. This is insightful, and from the pen of one that suffers from depression, it carries alot of weight for me.
~ becky -
honey bee, fantastic write.
Suffering from Depression isn't, and shouldn't be classed as being mental.
But I understand babes...
... It never really goes away does it...?
The interview did come through, well done.
~I'm not a fan of the term, 'mental hygiene'. It does rather make those who do suffer from mental illnesses sound 'unclean', and alienated.~
~Kimmy xx -
hey hun you are not mental or stupid you are the best i love to read what you write and i know it all comes from the heart and you know that when you need someone i will try my best to be around for you...thats what friends are for...ttyl love you my dear scottish friend take care till we meet again...peace love joy and happiness be with you always..happy holidays...oh this is an awsome write...and as with always i wish you the best of luck in the contest...and oh you know that you have been here for me at times when i have needed a pick me upper so when you need one i will be here for you thats a true friend...take care hun love ya lots...
your ditz and deminished loopey and everything else...
~~DI~~ -
Well put Alaistair! You know what, I applaud those who are brave enough to face the world and say...."Yes, I have something wrong, I don't know what, can you help me...please!" Those have to be the most courageous words that I ever had to speak for myself...for years I battled my own inner deamons that made me paranoid of people and places and things so much that I was living in a self imposed prison.
However; two years before recieving help I DID makemy call for help, and repeated had done so after the fact and you know, my area is so rural, and so poor, that there simply were no rescources to be had until I FACED MY FEARS and went to them and have continued to do so...
Sadly enough, mental hygene is extremely important to families as well...I know my husaband has suffered along with me, and my children...well...there's a whole OTHER side to mental health there altogether...If I had known when I was planning parenthood that my gene pool was as it is, and that these things would emerge and affect, andeven be passed a long...I would never have procreated...but that is neither herenor there now is it? I did procreated and now, my 50% of the gene pool has affected 50% of my children as well...they seek to send my 9 year old into a boys correctional facility here...can you believe that...I thought schizophrenia was an illness...not a crime??? Well...still I am rambling on...I have become an advocate for pediatric psycology in my area and should be speaking at a sunnit about the lack of adequate care available here to maintain good mental hygene for young children and the children of those with mental illnesses...wish me luck Alaistair, this shy Agorophobic sought help, got help, and is now working full force to pass that along to others...best of wishes, Happy Holidays, and lots of luck as well...~genielassie~ -
I bet you could teach a budgie to say, "I'm mental, not stupid."
Fell like I've read a lot of this before, on your author page or something... it gives a good sense of who you is.
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