Shantti asked for help rewritng her poem into amore formal Tanka
original verse
I pray forgiveness 5
for thy broken heart: 5
For no oath is as solemn to me, 9
as thee heart upon my sleeve. 7
Please, please forgive me. 5
31
my response. I still struggle with form, and often break the rules myself but lets look at the poem as submitted
I pray forgiveness 5
for thy broken heart: 5
For no oath is as solemn to me, 9
as thee heart upon my sleeve. 7
Please, please forgive me. 5
31
ok the bones of the poem are very good, but the flow is off let me try using your poem , there a subtle difference in the form syllable count is on but the order is off
forgive me I pray 5
your oath is as solemn to me 8
as thy broken heart: 5
as thy heart upon my sleeve 7
Please, please forgive me. 5
30
can go under 31 never over
I might change the as thy to something else
for it is a short poem the upper two phrases and the lower phrases should work together as well as separately
classically there should be a kilgo indicating time or place
one more try
forgive me I pray. 5
as your broken heart now bleeds 7
tears shed upon my sleeve 6
seals your solemn oath to me 7
love, please, please forgive me 6
phrasing short, long, short, long, long
can read in two ways
forgive me I pray. 5
as your broken heart now bleeds 7
tears shed upon my sleeve 6
tears shed upon my sleeve 6
seals your solemn oath to me 7
love, please, please forgive me 6
or all together tears shed upon my sleeve the pivot
now a weak kilgo giving a reference to time. should be better hmm have to dream on it
hope this helps, we should put in the column on help in tanka writing if ok with you
a place for member of Lovers of Oriental art and Haiku, Tanka and Senyru groups can post and develop their writing we can help each other grow by writing and commenting or writing off each others posts, to late tonight for more,feel free to start adding posts and learning from each other
this is a link to Myron's Essay on Haiku, well worth the read
http://www.writinghood.com/Style/How-To/The-Truth-About-Haiku.83389
this is a link to my favorite Tanka poet Ki No Tsurayuki
often when I want to study the poetic form I read one of his poems then write a response to him like a love letter, there are many other Eastern poets on Old Poetry
I strongly suggest taking the time to read and learn from the master
http://oldpoetry.com/oauthor/show/Ki_no_Tsurayuki
this is another link to 100 gems a collection of Tanka the best way to learn is to read the masters and learn from the sublime words
http://www.sacred-texts.com/shi/hvj/index.htm
21 Classical Tanka
The 21 tanka here have been selected from three of 21 Japanese Imperial Anthologies: the 1st compiled in 905, the 8th in 1205 and the 9th in 1235. They were all written before Archbishop Walter de Grey started the massive rebuilding scheme around the year 1220 that ultimately led to the present York Minster.
One of the female poets here, Ono no Komachi (ca. 850), flourished just before York was occupied by the Vikings. Monk Saigyo and Fujiwara no Shunzei were in their teens when Fountains Abbey was founded in 1132. The youngest among the poets here, Shunzei’s Daughter, might have seen the first Oxford college founded in 1249 if she had been in this part of the world.
1
Ono no Komachi
a female poet, ca. 850
Was it because I went to sleep
Thinking always of him
That I caught a glimpse of him?
Had I known it a dream
I would not have awoken.
2
Ono no Komachi
a female poet, ca. 850
When I cannot meet him
On a moonless night
Passion rises within me;
A flame running through my breast
Sets my heart on fire.
3
Ono no Komachi
a female poet, ca. 850
The colour of the cherry blossom
Has faded in vain
In the long rain
While in idle thoughts
I have spent my life.
4
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
Waiting for one who does not come,
Like the seaweed burnt for salt
In the evening calm
At Matsuho Bay
My body is smouldering
5
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
The path at the foot of the mountain
Through which the one I wait for wends his way
Must by now be blocked.
For, on the cedar by the eaves
The snow is heavy.
6
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
The black hair through which
I used to run my hand for her;
Now strand by strand
it rises before my mind
When I lie down alone.
7
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
As the floating bridge
Of my spring night dream
Breaks
A bank of clouds parts from the peak
In the dawn sky.
8
Fujiwara no Shunzei
1114 – 1204
In unbearable longing
I look at the sky
Over your dwelling.
The spring rain falls,
Sifted through the haze.
9
Fujiwara no Shunzei
1114 – 1204
To one who rarely comes here
The wind through the pines
Sounds sad at night time.
Does she hear it always
Beneath the moss?
10
Princess Shikishi
1149 – 1201
Deep in the mountains
The pine branch door
Does not feel the coming of spring:
Only the slow dropping of gems
From the melting snow.
11
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
On their way home,
On the wings of wild geese
That have drooped
In the turbulent frosty skies,
The spring rain falls.
12
Monk Jakuren
1139? – 1202
As spring passes
I do not know
Where its harbour will be:
A brushwood barge on the River Uji
Falling into the haze.
13
Fujiwara no Yoshitsune
1169 – 1206
The oak forest:
Have the dewdrops from the leaves, too,
Changed their colours?
In the grasses beneath the trees
Autumn has deepened.
14
Monk Jakuren
1139? – 1202
The rough winds of autumn
Have laid low the grasses
Where the stag had his bed.
From deep in the mountain
Comes his cry.
15
Monk Saigyo
1118 – 1190
Cricket,
Are you getting weak
As the autumn nights grow cold?
Your cry sounds faint
And becomes more distant.
16
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
The autumn wind blows
The traveler’s sleeves inside-out.
The lonely evening sun shines
On a wooden bridge
Clinging to the mountainside.
17
Monk Jakuren
1139? – 1202
The drops from sudden showers
On the leaves of cedar
Are not yet dry
As mists rise through them;
An autumn evening.
18
Shunzei’s Daughter
171? – 1254
I cannot expect a visitor now.
Autumn has come
Bringing blustering storms,
The grassy path to the house
Buried under dead leaves.
19
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
There is not even shelter
To rein in my horse
To shake the snow off my sleeves.
Around the Sano Crossing
On this snowy evening.
20
Princess Shikishi
1149 – 1201
Broken by the sound of the wind
That plays on the bamboo leaves
Near the window
A dream even shorter
Than my fleeting sleep.
21
Monk Saigyo
1118 – 1190
Sending my soul away
To where the moon has sunk
Behind the mountain,
What shall I do with my body
Left in the darkness?
The 21 poems have been selected and newly translated into English by
Dr Hisashi Nakamura, York St John College.
this is a link to Myron's Essay on Haiku, well worth the read
http://www.writinghood.com/Style/How-To/The-Truth-About-Haiku.83389
this is a link to my favorite Tanka poet Ki No Tsurayuki
often when I want to study the poetic form I read one of his poems then write a response to him like a love letter, there are many other Eastern poets on Old Poetry
I strongly suggest taking the time to read and learn from the master
http://oldpoetry.com/oauthor/show/Ki_no_Tsurayuki
this is another link to 100 gems a collection of Tanka the best way to learn is to read the masters and learn from the sublime words
http://www.sacred-texts.com/shi/hvj/index.htm
21 Classical Tanka
The 21 tanka here have been selected from three of 21 Japanese Imperial Anthologies: the 1st compiled in 905, the 8th in 1205 and the 9th in 1235. They were all written before Archbishop Walter de Grey started the massive rebuilding scheme around the year 1220 that ultimately led to the present York Minster.
One of the female poets here, Ono no Komachi (ca. 850), flourished just before York was occupied by the Vikings. Monk Saigyo and Fujiwara no Shunzei were in their teens when Fountains Abbey was founded in 1132. The youngest among the poets here, Shunzei’s Daughter, might have seen the first Oxford college founded in 1249 if she had been in this part of the world.
1
Ono no Komachi
a female poet, ca. 850
Was it because I went to sleep
Thinking always of him
That I caught a glimpse of him?
Had I known it a dream
I would not have awoken.
2
Ono no Komachi
a female poet, ca. 850
When I cannot meet him
On a moonless night
Passion rises within me;
A flame running through my breast
Sets my heart on fire.
3
Ono no Komachi
a female poet, ca. 850
The colour of the cherry blossom
Has faded in vain
In the long rain
While in idle thoughts
I have spent my life.
4
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
Waiting for one who does not come,
Like the seaweed burnt for salt
In the evening calm
At Matsuho Bay
My body is smouldering
5
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
The path at the foot of the mountain
Through which the one I wait for wends his way
Must by now be blocked.
For, on the cedar by the eaves
The snow is heavy.
6
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
The black hair through which
I used to run my hand for her;
Now strand by strand
it rises before my mind
When I lie down alone.
7
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
As the floating bridge
Of my spring night dream
Breaks
A bank of clouds parts from the peak
In the dawn sky.
8
Fujiwara no Shunzei
1114 – 1204
In unbearable longing
I look at the sky
Over your dwelling.
The spring rain falls,
Sifted through the haze.
9
Fujiwara no Shunzei
1114 – 1204
To one who rarely comes here
The wind through the pines
Sounds sad at night time.
Does she hear it always
Beneath the moss?
10
Princess Shikishi
1149 – 1201
Deep in the mountains
The pine branch door
Does not feel the coming of spring:
Only the slow dropping of gems
From the melting snow.
11
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
On their way home,
On the wings of wild geese
That have drooped
In the turbulent frosty skies,
The spring rain falls.
12
Monk Jakuren
1139? – 1202
As spring passes
I do not know
Where its harbour will be:
A brushwood barge on the River Uji
Falling into the haze.
13
Fujiwara no Yoshitsune
1169 – 1206
The oak forest:
Have the dewdrops from the leaves, too,
Changed their colours?
In the grasses beneath the trees
Autumn has deepened.
14
Monk Jakuren
1139? – 1202
The rough winds of autumn
Have laid low the grasses
Where the stag had his bed.
From deep in the mountain
Comes his cry.
15
Monk Saigyo
1118 – 1190
Cricket,
Are you getting weak
As the autumn nights grow cold?
Your cry sounds faint
And becomes more distant.
16
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
The autumn wind blows
The traveler’s sleeves inside-out.
The lonely evening sun shines
On a wooden bridge
Clinging to the mountainside.
17
Monk Jakuren
1139? – 1202
The drops from sudden showers
On the leaves of cedar
Are not yet dry
As mists rise through them;
An autumn evening.
18
Shunzei’s Daughter
171? – 1254
I cannot expect a visitor now.
Autumn has come
Bringing blustering storms,
The grassy path to the house
Buried under dead leaves.
19
Fujiwara no Teika
1162 – 1241
There is not even shelter
To rein in my horse
To shake the snow off my sleeves.
Around the Sano Crossing
On this snowy evening.
20
Princess Shikishi
1149 – 1201
Broken by the sound of the wind
That plays on the bamboo leaves
Near the window
A dream even shorter
Than my fleeting sleep.
21
Monk Saigyo
1118 – 1190
Sending my soul away
To where the moon has sunk
Behind the mountain,
What shall I do with my body
Left in the darkness?
The 21 poems have been selected and newly translated into English by
Dr Hisashi Nakamura, York St John College.
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Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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buds swell
with reckless abandon
pussy willow -
still on 14
salt marsh
blazing against starlit skies
resurrections promise -
Love Joy
this is not going to look like your original poem
your names will not shown in stanza format and the entire poem has to be re- -formatted so y apologies in advance if your original meaning or flow are altered, also this is a short form style of poetry, the shear length is a struggle, and the rhyming distracts so this is a contemporary short/long./short./long/.long
syllable count could not be applied to with out loosing much of what you have written
I suggest that after looking at my changes, you rewrite is as your own and post as a new write, it would e a shame to loose the old free write version you take it to the add a poem function play with it remember the 5/7/5/7/7 syllable count and rework it , but this is as far as I can take it right now
My Love every time
I kiss you, I see the sun.
you see my face
Ii is true love that you see
reflected by the sun's light
when I see the moon
it is your lips I kiss
as if you are
surrounded by heavens skies
in my eyes stars shine in thee
for now that I
have seen your moonlit face
I ask thee love
now to show me your soul!
to continue , lead me on
We shall
yes we must go on, but
how shall travel
On the wings of an angel or
the song we sing in our hearts?
for we must only glide
in the winds of you lost souls.
let the wings catch us
only if we should slip away
of the one who is my destiny.
and yes
the beats of our hearts play
A song as sweet
as that which an angel speaks
elated with each others passion.
So many words
sweet bliss guide thy path
And give light
to the blind eyes that cannot see,
the gateway to the my heart
If this is so
then show to me your heart,
blind to true love.
Show me the heart of the one
who trust love so unreservedly.
for your love is
the highest point of elevation,
a force so strong
binding that which not be broken
given freely strengthens thee
to understand life
which is self to life itself
Quickly
to understanding ones mind
I am your seeking that which I am
As I sit here
your soft whisper in my ear
My eyes tingle with
thoughts of your heart beating
softly now in your lovers hands
My priceless jewel
Your love pours all over me.
Tell me
Why thy names so sweet
love that holds my heart beat
no confession
to show your love is true
So my soul shall rise
and fly to find a love that flies
to pure love as sweet as mine
for I fear
your love is not applied to mine
my heart
for this we must not go on
Goodbye my love goodbye
for I must go on
my life unbound with thine
I beg thee
take your hand off my heart
for we must travel our own path -
writing challenge
of all of the haiku techniques that Myron has presented in his class, I seemed to have the most trouble;l with is the the when, where , what
love to see your takes on this technique -
revision
Shantti replied to your comment on Ukon
Yes this is completely awesome. It's totally ok with me to put in column.
I'm going to work on this (not tonight though, mind isn't here enough ). Thank you for taking the time to break it down for me and give me some examples here.
It might take a minute (or two lol ). But I'll send you a message with rivised poem for critique if it's ok with you.
Thank you [12 minutes ago] -
Senyru
I have been working on a slightly naughty ku for Myron's class; I just can not seem to get it right, any suggestions
in the dark of night
my lover comes to me
rising with the moon
Draig -
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I really like this!
How about changing "moon" to sun - the sun rises so the person reading it might think they have discovered a double entendre which wasn't there and just wonder whether it wasn't intended thus. And even without that slant it's nice. And take out the descriptive part "dark of night" - night is always dark, by definition.
at night
my lover comes to me
and rises with the sun -
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hm can not change to sun as it is in a moon contest
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ah yes blush
the double entrendre was intended a somewhat naughty ku! -
ah I like this
he stays longer? yes, will take out the dark night, thank you very much
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Ooo, what a great idea!!
Bookmarked.
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Yep, I'm interested too - particularly Zen-influenced poetry if that can be included?
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have you read
A Chime of Wind Bells A year of Japanese haiku in English Vere by Harold Strwart
an unusual translation of many fine poets as he translates into English verse with rhyme, there is a very good essay on Buddhist and Shinto influences in haiku.I found it an interesting read -
all forms welcome
it is your space as well, look forward to your peace
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I would love more practice in all of these forms. Perhaps you could define them, briefly? Lita
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I will do that my lovely friend
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