Beyond this sentence, the word sorry will not appear. Essentially, because it's such an empty word most of the time. Too often it comes out as "this was not my fault" and I'm not one to shy away from accepting my errors, however they rise.
I've sat here for 20 minutes trying to ponder how much I place here. I try to live this honest life thing ... to speak as truly as I can, so I suppose I should include it all. But - this is not a request for pity. I have pride still - so I'm not ready for that game of victim.
I regret so deeply my previous column. Not because of all I said, but that I did so at all, that it came from frustration that has nothing to do with this site. Nothing to do with the people here.
I am in a bad place. I've been in such before, but the trigger for this one ... this was lovely.
As many know, or as anyone who examines my profile can quickly discover, I am Transgendered. You don't have to agree with my transition. I could care less about such opinions. Surprisingly, I found so many here who are kind and have gifted me nothing less than an ardent sincerity and generosity of spirit. Most of all I regret spitting on them as I did.
Funds for my transition are a tricky deal. But I was sorting it. An associate I'd done a lot of work for over the years ... when I came out, he was one of only 2 business contacts who did not walk off, disdainful of my new status. He was a decent person. Last year, he came up with a project that would solve all my needs. A business partnership was begun and I spent 8-10 months working on the job.
There was no ongoing payment, but I make enough residuals from other work to cover by meagre living costs. It would easily have earned me the $25K+ I needed for the expensive parts of the surgeries and all.
A few weeks back, he phoned ... told me it was all off. That the 'project' was a fake, to teach this 'freak' a lesson.
Ahem. It kind of sent me into a bit of spin. Seven months into my transition, I'm ... stuffed. I will state right now ... I do NOT want a cent from anyone. This is not about asking for charity. I am not that person.
That fear was why I hesitated for so long, to say anything to friends ... or to post the detail here.
So I was angry and hurt in a way I'd never experienced. When I came out ... I was in an extroverted life. Every single friend I had ... bar two ... went away. I was okay ... it hurt but I treated it as their loss not mine. Moved on and forward.
But this. I can't understand this - how anyone could do that. Hate me if you must. Great. But to do a thing like that.
No. Sorry -- hah. A bit of the victim shining through just then.
So I repressed the anger and tried to moved on again. Apparently, not very well.
It came out toward people who had nothing to do with anything.
In this case - it was ... it really was all about me.
The other post will be gone moments after I post this.
I was going to leave for a while. Partially to get past the embarrassment, but mostly to get to a place where I'm not likely to hurt people who are not deserving.
I don't ... I am not the kind of person that runs away though. So I'll stay. Maybe not be around so much. Certainly unable to make any promise I won't shatter again a few more times yet.
I will, however, try not to involve others.
I am sorry. And yes, I lied about not saying that again ... so ... fucking sue me.
Kate
An apology - for whoever will read it.
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Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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People suck!
Just kidding.
I work with a miserable bioche.
Some people really do suck!
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I'm sure you don't need any more candy from strangers, and you weren't looking for it... but, y'know thats UBER awful what that... hrm... I was going to say 'person' but you know that doesn't seem to quite fit... anyhow...
Crappy deal babe, but you'll spring back, bigger and better than ever, and you'll be picking him out of the treads of your army boots with a stick.
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kate...just be yourself...i had no clue...and believe whatever you said...in that post may have hurt a few feelings...i dont understand the need to post this column either...probably because i dont involve myself in other peoples business...and as to many of us here like myself...you are who you are and this is how we have grown to know you...we dont judge...friendships have a way of evolving...they are never forced...i think if you hurt a few people here...perhaps they would understand better on a one to one and need to know basis...i truly hope you keep your chin up and keep faith...because...my experience to life's wisdoms...are; in the end...things tend to work themselves out...and we move on...only to reflect...on those rights and wrongs...past
forgiveness is kindness
no matter the pain
it makes us whole
and all the better
leaving room...
to grow
with new horizons
malabu
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That was lower than low what was done to you. They should put that person under the jail for fraud and hate crimes.
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It is so sad and so horrible that the cruelty of people hurts those who least deserve it. Your strength and courage impresses me beyond anything I have ever felt for another. You are a truly amazing human being.
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I understand the need to pull back – I’ve ‘cleaned house’ more than once in the years I’ve been here. You are a real, authentic, and genuine, your acceptance and compassion is what sets you apart – I, for one, would have to say, you would be greatly missed.
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Kate, you are a beacon of courage to some of us ... but courage always comes at a high price or it wouldn't mean anything. The cruelty of other people is always going to be something you'll have to live with ... I know you know and anticipated that, but you can't let it destroy your self-esteem or faith in yourself ... or faith in the good inherent in humanity. Those who hurt you are damaged by it ... but you aren't. You are stronger for being true to yourself, and we're all better for the example you set for us. Life is a harsh bitch, but a strong woman can tame her
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You have paid a high price to discover who truly has your best interests at heart and the ones who have remained by your side unconditionally are the ones you ought to cherish. I wish you luck in your future and if you continue to show this much courage in all that you do, you will find your way to a place where you will experience true happiness.
Just Me
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Just keep writing and living your life for you.
There are a few good people out there
who do not judge and they are all you need. -
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I don't judge you for what gender you are or want to be, its your life, your decision. I don't know you well enough to even form an opinion. All I know is that you write in a way that captures my thoughts.
To this person you have no need to say sorry, sorry only needs to be said when someone has doing something wrong and as I see it you haven't.
Take care
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Aww, I hope you don't leave the site.
Wow, I can't believe he did that to you either
I mean... he could have just walked off, like the others, maybe it would have been better. I know I've been through things with people betraying my trust in various mean ways, but this... is beyond anything. To pretend to help and then actually plan to and leave to "teach you a lesson". I mean, no matter what he thinks of transgenders. Opinions are opinions. Ah well, there are people like that though.
It's nice of you to apologize (though I personally didn't feel offended in the first place). I t6hink sometimes sorry isn't an empty word. I know I've been in such situation, hurting people who had nothing to do with my problems or just.. being oversensitive (not that you were, but I am
). And sometimes I can't say it like you have here.
I hope you can get over this
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Oh, Kate...
there's just gotta be a special place in hell for people like that.
You never need to apologize hon. I'm always on your side, even if I don't necessarily agree. That's what friends do.
I wish there was someway to help with your situation. It's just not right. It's not like this is elective, not in my book. What about Canada, our system here is pretty good, but I have to confess I'm not sure where we stand on this issue.
I know it isn't much; but if you were here, I'd hug
ya till you begged for mercy.
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Aww hun, it takes a strong person to write what you have and not shrink away, not that I took offence at the first column.
You have expressed your feelings and what has happened so openly here, that I thin most friends will consider the matter done and dusted.
Yep you will have other spits, like we all do, but move on and don't stay away
Gaylene
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