-BroKen-

one of those days when the sun dies with each breathe-

each moment is another ache, another extra worry and yet,

I survive, because God told me I have to, how can I displease,

when all I have left is a little faith and a pinch of well put pride?


I feel lonely...worse than lonely though I feel sad... Steven is being awkward with me at the moment, I asked him if it were worth going out with eachother he said we are fine and then that I could come up and then said goodnight...I said I was upset, needed to talk to him and was worried about ben and he just said goodnight, spelling my name wrong so I guess I am not happy, because he doesn't seem bothered I've been crying, nor that he spelt my name wrong... I am just getting fed up with this, it really bugs me it seems constant and stupid and I am so angry with him, I just feel tempted to ignore him and let him worry as he hurt me... would love advice.

but just want to be loved, held...but not as if I can see anyone at the moment char is in kent, my other friends in exeter if you call them friends, steven is in exeter awkward and dealing with ben, so what am I left to do? it's annoying I always help others but when I need help what am I left with? nothing, because apparently I don't deserve anything... it makes me feel really upset...love, happiness and all that doesn't seem to matter where I'm concerned...all I want is to be held and I'm getting nothing of that at the moment...what use is it of being told you are loved when the person isn't there to prove it? what use is love when it can't be shown? what use of love is there when it never works anyway, because I fail at everything...what use is anything....

I just hate  it sometimes, I really do...I hope someone can relate but if not, that's not my fault... at the end of the day I try my best to be a nice, supportive, caring person and to have someone there for me I just want to be held it's not that much to ask for, I just need to be held and told sweet things, that I apparently deserve... if I mean that much why isn't Steven breaking his ass to see me, no matter what it means to someone else, as he says I mean the most to him? why aren't my friends busting their nuts to come down and see me as they know I'm miserable? why isn't any of this happening, cos to me it can only mean one thing that they don't think I'm worth doing this for and that hurts the most, it really does... it makes me want to cry... I am crying.

good night everyone but seriously, I have no clue with what to do at the moment, because I'm breaking and hurting and struggling with everything at the moment, can't concentrate on anything but my pain and tears and sleeping pattern is shit, as nothing to wake up for... I don't know what I should do about life, because to me I'd rather not be here and that may hurt some people but it's true... I would rather not be here than be here alone, sitting here just without being held or told I am loved... It would mean the world to me to hear those words and to feel that emotion, but I guess I ask for to much as always.