Touchy Feely

Please don't comment unless you know me.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been the type of person to want to show people that I care is physical, emotional, and symbolic ways. My love of those I feel close to makes me clingy and cuddly. I have never felt comfortable enough to show this side of myself often, however, and it's one of those things that tortures me beyond all reason.

When I was a kid, I thought things like that were odd, but only because I was taught to be ashamed. I was taught to think that sort of thing was wrong or strange, but I always wanted it. I always wanted to have that sort of bond with someone and have it just be a friendship. My friends, however, would think me weird and take it as something completely different than what it actually was. Things I meant to be symbolic, such as certain song lyrics, was taken in a romantic nature, and I was teased mercilessly about it. Needless to say, this made me completely and utterly uncomfortable with myself, let alone my own skin.

It's part of why I was miserable throughout my entire life. It's part of why I can't love myself and can't be proud of who I am. The way people treat me because of this makes me feel like I'm not normal, like I should be more restrained. What the hell is so important about restraint when it is completely innocent? I don't understand that, and I never will.

I've always been overly affectionate and want to show much I care through actions and words. I've always been this way, and I am so tired of feeling as if I'm wrong and should be ashamed of it. I don't want to be ashamed anymore, I want to be who I am. And this is part of who I am; something I have never been able to express due to how other people react to it.

Is it really so wrong for me to want to express myself this way? I never thought it was. The way I feel is completely and utterly innocent. I am a very touchy feely person, and always have been. It's never going to change...and it hurts like hell that the people I care about can't be more comfortable with it.

I work so hard to show how much I care through simple things or hard work, and I rarely get the type of reaction I think I will. It really brings me down and makes me feel worthless. That is also why I am so bloody insecure when it comes to relationships. I need to hear that I'm worth something; I want to be shown through the same ways I would show them. And I rarely get that from the people I love most. I find it sad and ridiculous, and yes, it bothers me to no end. It hurts me more than anyone reading this could understand. I've actually cried over it.

I find it extremely difficult to be close to people who are not touchy feely. Some days are better than others, and most of the time, I can deal with it. However, there are certain times when it just hits me and knocks me down. Half the reason why I am always misunderstood is because I am such a touchy feely person and I take a lot of certain actions, words, and reactions very seriously. That's how I analyze things. It's how I figure out whether or not I mean something, or I've done something wrong. And often times, because that certain person is not as open as I am, I get misled. I really hate it.

I wish the people I care about understood me better. I wish I had someone I could relate with. Most of all, I wish to the universe I had someone who appreciated the little things I do and my sentimental times more. If you do appreciate those times, you certainly don't show it too well. I need to be shown. I need to know, I need to be told. That's something about me I can't help. It's something that's never going to change. It's hard for me, really hard. I do my best to remember people care, even if they don't show it, but I like being shown. It matters more to me than anything else.

Honestly, I am this way because I don't ever want my loved ones feeling the way I do. I don't want to leave them wondering, and I want them to know they are thought of and I want to make them smile. No one ever does that sort of stuff for me, not ever. And it hurts so bloody much to think that I feel mistreated when I shouldn't. Somewhere in my mind, I realize it's not custom for everyone to be like this, or even most people...but this is the way I am. When I am not shown, I start doubting. I can't help it. When I think something is okay and get used to it, and then I am suddenly told it's not okay, it will hurt me a lot.

I treat all of you how I wish to be treated, but not one of you treat me the same. It just hurts.

Please know that I know you all love me...but sometimes I don't feel as appreciated as much as I appreciate you. And when a couple of you get weirded out because I do or say certain things that is supposed to just show you how much I care, it kills me inside because those things mean more to me than you all will ever know. I just wish they were as important to you, because it's something I share because of how much I love you.

There's not one person...not one that I've met who is like me...and I feel so alone.