What is Going On...

I know many of you all, my friends and family here are sitting and wondering just how I am; well I will tell you. I am just FINE! I know many of you are wanting to talk but I am sorry I am just not ready to talk yet.

In the last three weeks I have dealt with my six year old daughter being admitted into the ER to which they transferred her to a children's hospital by ambulance. There she spent three day, the first of which was in the ICU. She came home with a clean bill of health only to go back to the doctor a week later to be diagnosised with an ear infection in her right ear. She was then put on medications for that for the next ten days. No longer she had finished the medication she caught a cold as did my son. Back to the doctor I went with her to find she developed a second ear infection in her left ear this time and was put back on antibiotics again but a stronger one this round. My son was tested for strep throat which came back negative (thankfully) and told he may have to be put on steriods for his breathing as his cold was being tough on his lungs and he too has asthma.

On the afternoon of this past Wed I received a call from my aunt in Oregon. She was calling to inform me that my ONLY biological uncle and the one I am closest to passed away. He could no longer fight his cancer. He had been fighting for over a year now and was on morphine for pain. Yes it is a blessing that he is no longer in pain and suffering, this I know and believe BUT that doesn't make the loss any easier to accept. I sent an announcement to a few of the groups I belong to and asked everyone to please understand and not to IM me or do a contest or even call. Some have sent group messages and personal IMs with condolences which I do appreciate and I am sorry I did not reply but as I stated I did not want not do I want to get into talking with anyone right now.


I am not isolating myself from everyone to be mean I simply prefer to have my time alone to grieve. I cannot handle getting into conversations with many at the moment especially if there is a chance the topic will rise. I simply have too much happening right now that I have to deal with and do so in my own way. It is not a matter of needing a shoulder or an ear, I know I have many within all of you and I so appreciate that more than you know, but I grieve alone.


Yes, I am on AP alot but I am for a reason. It is the one place I come that helps me keep my sanity. The one place I can relax and even release when I am ready. Yes, I know I have been seen in the chat areas but I am NOT there for fun. Yes, I smile and laugh but it's a front for those in there. I am not about to spread all my personal shit for the world but I guess I have now by writing this column. I go in the chat area because I am a Moderator and as such I have a responsibility should I witness something that should not be.


To those of you who have sent me messages with your condolences...THANK YOU! They are indeed appreciated. To those that have called me...THANK YOU! That too is appreciated.


I just simply need this time and though you may not understand why I need to isolate myself right now I ask that you respect that and know I do love you all with all my heart. I have too much happening that I must deal with on a personal level and until I have it handled and worked out within me I cannot talk or open to another...not about this. I'm sorry if that is hard for you to understand and accept as I know I am not one to usually be this quiet and pulled back but even I am like everyone else and things get to me. I too need to grieve and get things straight within before I can do move on and do anything else.



On a lighter note, as of 11AM this morning, November 17, 2007, I have a new great niece. Her name is Madison and she is beautiful. She weighed in at 7 pounds 5 ounces and 20 inches long with tons of hair. Mother and daughter are doing well.

And as much as I will revel in the joy of her birth I cannot overlook my need to grieve for the loss of my uncle and tend to my two sick kids. I am one person, I am only human and I am not perfect but I am me. I cannot offer you any more than I already have nor can I explain things any more greatly than I did above. I can only do the best I can and hope and pray that is enough. I am truly exhausted and ready to fall myself but I keep going because it's all I can do and I know I must do but that doesn't lessen the fact my time too. So please, I ask you not to be angry but rather try to understand. I promise I will be back to myself soon, but right now I am at a personal emotional crossroad of both grief and joy. It is hard enough to grieve but to feel joy at the same time almost feels wrong and I know it's not nor should I feel such but I do and again that is something only I can work out.

Please be patient with me and my actions...

I love you all!