Well - I said, some time ago, "Text to come (soon)" and here, finally, is some text.
I know ... how sad a start was that :)
At least it's a beginning - not the greatest ever, or the shortest or longest or even most memorable perhaps. It is however a beginning and from that I shall waffle endlessly and see what I've rolled over when done.
Waffling is something I'm quite good at (That note was for the perennially unobservant readers out there)- guilt is the other thing I do too well.
Feeling guilt, not giving it that is. At least I hope I have that the right way around.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Onward brave souls.
Guilt. When you've hurt someone. When you've seriously hurt someone there is the ever present danger of trying to make amends. You can't. Get over yourself and move on.
I'm not saying don't express remorse or try to apologise - it's just that, some things cannot be fixed by the breaker. I should know - been there done that. I was in a wonderful relationship that lasted some eleven years (most of them quite good) but don't panic, I'm not about to go all E.M.O/Woe is Me/My life is harder and so on.
It ended.
That end was a good thing in the end (I do not apologise for bad wordplay - get used to it!) because it included me facing my own denial regarding my transgenderedness (Not a word? It is now - so bite me!).
A corner of me always knew, but I set off running early on and never allowed myself the pause to deal with it. Being an A-Type personality, I ran quite well. I never anticipated the race coming to an end. The greasy officials didn't even tell me whether or not I'd won.
My only regret is that pain I caused another. I can't fix it. I can't tell her it will all be okay. I can't turn times wheels back. I am sorry, but I can't do anything more than that.
It took me a very long time to realise that.
If you've ever been involved in a relationship break-up where you wished you could both just separate without the anger or the angst, be careful what you wish for. We were both still quite in love when we broke-up and that denied us each a measure of closure for some time.
Anyway: this is all starting to sound tragically soap-opera-ish .. so back to the transgenderness stuff. I'm pre-op, pre-medicines, pre-everything bar sorting my own emotional ground; the whole self-acceptance bit. I'm good with it all - if you aren't and can't deal then don't talk to me. I'm well aware that many religious views see me as some aberration and I completely support the right for people to hold those views, even if I do not agree.
I work in computers - writing software and stuff, which is fortunate because it has allowed me to go into a quasi-reclusive state, while I sort everything out.
I start hormones in a month or two (finally) and then a steady stream of ticking boxes and jumping hoops until the final surgeries and voila!
The technical term is "Gender Dysphoria" but you can simply refer to it as "That Transamerica Thing!!??" if you want. :)
We are not all the same. The manifestation varies widely and, in my case, it has a strong physical component. It is not unlike that phantom limb syndrome - often reported with amputees. Only, it isn't exactly 'limbs' in my case. :P
Lightness aside, it can be extremely disorienting and requires a lot of self-control to manage. I have found the further I've let this genie from her bottle, the more intense the sensations have become.
This lead me to getting myself sorted financially, before I took any steps toward transition. Essentially, because I know that - for me - that "inbetween" is going to be difficult. The closer I get to the end goal, the harder it'll get.
I have no doubt I will get there .. it's just going to be an interesting trip.
I am going to record my journey in poetic form - not poetry about it (though I have done some) but more. Hmmm. How to explain. I have no idea as to how (or if) the hormones will change my forms of expression. I don't think any gender is 'better' poetically, but I do think they might be 'different' - so I'll be quite interested to find out whether that is presumption on my part, or (if not) how things will change.
So yeah. Did I mention I can waffle!? :D
PS: Waffle is slange for talking endlessly.
Adding your comment:
I must agree with Liza
