wave swept sands
lovers walking together-
a postcard
~~~~~~~
majestic mountain
machines crumbling to rubble-
wears it down daily
yesterdays litter
stuck on the chainlike fence-
once important
God's pure love
forgiving sinners always-
a child is born
~~~~~~~
seven crows
cross the night sky-
bird shit on cars
in the shadow
of a praying mantis-
a corpse rots
summer sun
on a rock, the pale lizard-
empty skin
~~~~~~~
computer programmer
on the internet surfing-
hardrive crashes
~~~~~~~
sudden flash
utter darkness-
lightning
~~~~~~~
deep snoring
sheets blowing in the breeze -
empty slippers
~~~~~~~
water drips
puddle on floor-
ants drown
~~~~~~~
a bare floor
stacks of tile-
bathroom job unfinished
stacks of tile
plywood floor-
demolition accomplished
~~~~~~~
My Haiku written for the class here at AP.
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This is a nice collection of Haiku.
wave swept sands
lovers walking together-
a postcard
This is a wonderful Haiku with aha moment in line 3.
~~~~~
yesterdays litter
stuck on the chainlike fence-
once important
A well expressed fact.
~~~~~
God's pure love
forgiving sinners always-
a child is born
This is sweet.
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I'm glad to see you have put the haiku you wrote in class all together on one page.
My favourite haiku are:
wave swept sands
lovers walking together-
a postcard
My only suggestion for all is to leave a space after the last word and before you put the hyphen at the end of L2. This will make it appear a bit more spaced out and overall, more neat.
God's pure love
forgiving sinners always-
a child is born
This can be improved. In L3, you are TELLING the readers about the child's birth instead of showing. You could revise this line to, "a child's birth cry" or "a child's first cry", you know, something like this. Let me know through an IM what you feel fits best. The basic idea is to SHOW and not to TELL.
sudden flash
utter darkness-
lightning
In this, L1 and L2 are somewhat disconnected. This could be improved like this:-
sudden flash
across the corridor -
apparition
He he! OR,
sudden flash
across my room -
lightning
You know, something like that. Let me know which you like better and you could then edit this page and post it there as a final revision from class.
Now another one which I feel could do better..
a bare floor
stacks of tile-
bathroom job unfinished
Let's make this more colourful...
tiles stacked
on the bathroom floor -
baby thumb prints
Now the next...
stacks of tile
plywood floor-
demolition accomplished
In L3, again you've TOLD and not SHOWN the reader the demolition is done. Also, L1 is a contrast to L2, but the transition is kind of jumpy...I mean, first as a reader I see tiles stacked and then a complete floor..it needs some more smoothness to even out this haiku.
How about this....
a tile falls
on the toilet floor -
lizard droppings
LOL...I'm sure you giggled at this. Let me know if you like it, maybe you could add it here.
All the best,
Charishma -
That's a lot of haikus. You did such a beautiful job on these, Scott. And you didn't leave the most important One out. I see you are doing well in your classes. Good luck, my friend. Hugs, Patricia
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God's pure love
forgiving sinners always-
a child is born
...................
Very good! I love it all you did a great job at this haiku.... -
These are quite good, Scott. I like the postcard one, the one about God's forgiveness, and this trio the best:
"seven crows
cross the night sky-
bird shit on cars
in the shadow
of a praying mantis-
a corpse rots
summer sun
on a rock, the pale lizard-
empty skin"
I see syllable count isn't emphasized anymore, from what I read here. I had an ongoing argument on another poetry site about that.
I guess I lost.
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You seemed to have done the haiku idea correctly. I usually don't write them the way they are supposed to be written but use it more as a form. I think all of these are wonderful and I think you shall impress them~ I enjoy the empty slippers and the bird haiku. LOL
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NOt much on this one(form), but what i have read this appears to be well done. Anyway to my eyes.
I have been going over forms more and more everyday so i am trying, and this looks like it was written as the examples i have seen. But remind you, i am learning as well. Thanks for sharing your work here and i hope you get better critiques then this one
Tory`
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