Edna Sweetlove
Edna is a much maligned poet who hails from London, UK. Edna has a style of poetry all of her own and can often be found exchanging points of view with the (mainly) illiterate 'poets' whom disagree with her point-of-view or are disgusted by a particular poem that she has spewed.
I have no idea how old Edna is. I would hazard a guess at mid-40s but that would only be a guess. Sometimes her writing makes me re-think that estimate and place her at around 13, but then I remember the photographs she has emailed me and I am telling you, there is no way those breasts belong to anybody unacquainted with gravity for less than 40 years.
Edna has many delightful characters in her collection, including SNOGGO (such a daring chap), Victor the Voyeur (a pervert) and Naughty Marietta (a naughty nymph).
Edna hosts many, many contests that are a pleasure to get banned for entering, similar to how Victor feels in his local primary playground.
It is a difficult task to select a poem from Edna's pen to feature. Such is the abundance of quality writing to be discovered on her page.
The poem that I have chosen is; 'St Obesity's is calling you', a delightful poem that not only digs at religion but also seems to annoy many fatties with 'glandular problems', hmm, and what did the doctor prescribe? Pizza?
Deep within this poem is criticism of the consumer society we live in today. When food comes in buckets we really should be hearing alarm bells, what is next? The KFC Trough?
St Obesity's is calling you, by Edna Sweetlove
In long gone olden days, Christians used to scourge themselves
And crawl around desperately on bloodied knees to prove their faith
Or they'd fast and not eat their four square meals (plus snacks) a day
But there's no need for that nowadays; self-denial is so 20th century.
So why don't you waddle along to St Obesity's Pentecostal church,
The chapel that loves to feed your flabby body and your soul,
Where king-size portions of Christian excess are served up 24/7?
No sirree, Christianity doesn't come any bigger than at St Obesity's!
You can muncha-longa-burger while you hum your favourite hymns,
We've got unlimited non-diet coke to refresh you at our sermonothons
And you're welcome to chew on giant blessed wafers with extra holy glucose
And guzzle sweet non-alcoholic communion wine served by the over-filled quart jug.
And kindly don't forget our wonderful seasonal specialities as well:
Why there's our Easter time all-day high cal 'n protein barbecue Last Supper
And our Xmas family fun consecrated monster mince-pie eating contest
With 1% of profits going to our unique "stale cookies for Africa" charity.
Say, folks, why be depressed by all those gloomy, skinny crucifixion pictures
When you can enjoy gazing on the life-size four hundred pound clockwork Jesus(SEE NOTE ****)
On our distinctive and patented contemporary reinforced concrete cross?
Put a coin or two in the slot and he'll sing your favourite psalm!
Won't you sit back and relax in our extra-wide super-strength comfort pews
And easily navigate the generous double doors to our beautiful chapel of rest?
We're SO proud too of our super extra giant size baptismal re-birthing pool
And the industrial strength derrick we've installed to lift you lovingly in.
Our wedding fees include a whole pre-nuptial chicken and faithdom fries per person!
And don't forget folks, book your own funeral service online now and
We'll give you a double-width coffin for the price of a regular one!
It's so easy to make St Obesity's your spiritual cafeteria of preference!
NOTE RE "400 pounds"
For those in various weight-measurement jurisdictions.....
[a] in Britain, please replace "400 pound" with "28 stone"
[b] in the rest of the world, please replace "400 pound" with "180 kilo"
But no matter how you measure it we are talking OBESE! HUGE! GROSS!
The comments on this poem (and indeed many of Edna's work) are entertainment in their own right, I do encourage you to go read. Be careful not to leave an illiterate comment. This tend's 2 anoy her.
Close behind Edna is a poet I have only recently began to appreciate...
The Warrior Poet
The Warrior Poet, if my sources are correct, hails from Oxford. I do not know a great deal about him but the general vibe is that he is something of a ladies man and an all-round biking hero to boot. With a CV like that I think we can excuse him occasionally getting his grammar correct.
The poem I would like to promote (hold on to your panties girls) is this masterpiece called, and I quote, 'Ultimate Fucking' (I claim no responsibility for the following poem or alternative words. I dabble in erotica but cannot claim this to be my own, unfortunately.)
Ultimate Fucking, by The Warrior Poet
Straped to the back of a motor-trike!
Strip'ed and whip'ed and Shaged all
night,
The Angels Que'ing and enter in three's
One in the pussy!
One up the Arse!
And one in her mouth!
If she say's please,
Then the Golden showers will begine,
Cover the Bitch in Wee!
And Fuck her brains out,
And bite her nipples raw,
Shagging tarts is done by all,
Spank her Arse untill its raw,
Then piss on it because its saw,
Ulitmate Fucking,
Thats where it's at,
Show the bitch,
The nine stringed cat.
Good or what? I like how the poem is full on hot and sexy but also manages to maintain a degree of romance. As I said, I do not really know The Warrior that well but he is a very popular member with a family that is growing quicker than an elephant's foreskin at an orgy.
Next in my featured list is a poet called;
-I love my midget-
I have followed the AP career of this midget loving poet for some time now and I am shocked at some of the comments he is unfortunate to receive from other poets on here.
From what I can tell -I love my midget- is a very caring man. He is married to a midget who unfortunately was born with only one limb, that being an arm that is stunted.
His poetry seems to be about their life, and it seems that offends people. Life isn't always pretty but I know that I for one would rather read about real life experiences than manufactured crap any day.
He and his midget wife go through many hardships yet still they remain, happily married, despite the strains that caring for somebody full-time must bring. I think -I love my midget- should be commended, not criticised.
I will offer an example of what happened when -I love my midget- accidentally dropped his wife head-first down the lavatory after toileting her. Not nice I know, but who has that not happened to in real life?
Potty Mouth, by -I love my midget-
She landed in the bowl with a splash, or a splat
Head first, I am trying to push it out of my mind
I have picked her some flowers
Tulips and white roses
She says they are her favourite
Honestly, I hope she can forgive me
I guess I should lay off the gin
That or at least wait until after
Seven o'clock when I have toileted her
Hands aren't so shaky when sober
It isn’t easy holding a one-limbed midget
Tightly above the lavatory as
She dangles there straining
Hard as she tries to poo
I hope she likes these flowers
They are supposed to be her favourite
She must know that I tried
Hard to catch her, but
Instead she span
To land head first
Screaming, but I pulled her out in seconds
Her scream had been cut short
I thought it was a cigar in her mouth but
Then she bit down and
Spluttered as she bit it
Hard in half, it was then
I saw the sweet corn in her
Teeth. I really hope she likes these flowers
Bartholomew Mole
One of the quirkiest poets I have come across on AP is a little fellow called 'Bartholomew Mole'. I say 'come across', but no calling the RSPCA yet, I merely meant encountered.
Barty, as I affectionately call the little rodent bastard doesn't have the best grasp of English but his stories have a certain quality about them that helps us see past the piss-poor grammar and allows us a glimpse into the thoughts of an Austro-German Black Mole who seldom washes.
A fine example of Barty's work is; 'Interesting story about a queer guy I once knewed'.
Unfortunately it is a little long to feature in a column so here instead is a picture of an old lady holding a hilariously named confectionary bar.
But please, go here to meet the stupid rodent: http://allpoetry.com/Bartholomew%20Mole
These are just of a few great poets on AP today. Depending upon how popular this is I may post another column for poets who will never be featured on front page or have columns written for them (well, discounting this one).
So, if you are either too crap or too controversial to be featured drop me an IM and I may include you in the next column.
Or I may not. The odds are that I won't.
Other poets to drop in on;
http://allpoetry.com/Uhs%20Feth%20Malorn
http://allpoetry.com/Ernest%20Kuntz
http://allpoetry.com/Poet%20Gustav
http://allpoetry.com/bebacksoon
Adding your comment:
Sweet! Thanks Michael! Heh... banned in Edna's contest, eh? I just might have to give it a shot! 
looking forward to reading more of them too !
