My Infectious Disease

A part of myself I'm starting to understand.

You know, it's really funny sometimes...how one can be so blind, even to their own actions. I couldn't see before I met Blaze and Bel. I didn't see anything. But now I realize that there is a reason for everything. All things that happen are linked to something, or many things.

I think one thing I never saw before...when it came to certain actions...is when it comes to my belief that my best is never good enough. This has been ingrained into my head at a very young age. This was something my parents forced into my mind unintentionally since I was probably under eight years old.

Everything I ever did...I always used to do my best because I wanted to accomplish something. I never realize that all things I did were based on the fact that I wanted to be good enough for someone, if only myself. But how is it possible to be good enough for myself when I keep looking at others? How can I possibly be satisfied with myself when I never pay attention to what I am doing, and can only pay attention to what others are doing? I can't; simple as that.

I remember when I would play Nintendo games with Robert. Things like Mario Kart and the like; competitive games. I would always get angry when he bested me. I understand why now. It's because I wanted to be better at something. I wanted to be good enough, if not more than that. I wanted to show myself and others that I wasn't a complete failure, and I'd try to do that in each and every single thing I did. I would get angry at myself when I failed because it seemed to prove that I would never be good enough at anything for anyone, especially not myself. Not while there were others out there that were better at it than me, which always made me feel inadequate.

It is why I always get angry with myself when I am selfish. It makes me feel like I am not a good person. It makes me feel as if I'm not good enough for those I love and care for. Yet another thing I seem to fail at in my subconscious' eyes. I look at everyone around me and I see how beautiful their hearts are. I see their selflessness. When I look at myself, I can only see all of my expectations, disappointments, and insecurities standing in the way of having the same beauty.

I doubt everyone around me except a very select few. It hurts to realize that those who love me most aren't people I believe really love me that much. It is because I continue to look at others and look at myself; I continue to compare. I keep comparing my actions with their actions, and even their actions toward other people's in comparison to their actions toward me. I take it personally, and I hurt. My subconscious asks me, "Why are they not treating you with the same love and appreciation they are treating the other person? Do they not love you as much as the other? Why is it that they do all these things for this person, and they don't do any of this for you? Surely, they don't love you as much as you love them, because we both know you would do all of this in a heartbeat if you could."

I am always in doubt because of this. I think that is why I don't doubt Nikki. Because she doesn't have any other friends that truly care about her like I do. Therefore, she doesn't trust anyone like she trusts me. That, in turn, makes me feel special. It makes me feel loved, and I don't doubt her because of this. Because she doesn't give others things she doesn't give me. That is my proof when it comes to her love.

I know not everyone can do this or be like this. I know this because there are people others have connections with. They get affection that I wish I had, that I don't. It especially gets to me when I feel like I used to have it, and then it disappeared. Then it hurts even more when it is given to another with a similar connection and then I feel as if I am given nothing. This is another stem to my insecurities and one of the many reasons I can doubt someone.

I look at Monica, Blaze's daughter. I read her words about love being given without expecting anything in return. I then look at myself and the way I've been treating others. I look at how I give myself completely, and when I get nothing in return, I automatically start to assume that I don't mean as much as they mean to me. And this is because I've had this be true so many, many times in the past. When things always seem to work out that way, you begin to doubt everyone around you...and they have to work hard to prove you wrong. They have to show you the amount of love you long to believe they have for you. When they don't, it makes you miserable.

This is how it works for me. Especially if I am longing for affection for a long amount of time, and I get none. If I am craving it, it makes this assumption turn into a belief and that belief gets ingrained unless they can reassure me before it roots itself. And all of this links back to my feeling I am not good enough. All of it comes back to me feeling as if I am inadequate compared to others. When someone gives someone else affection I am craving, I compare myself to that person, and I wonder if maybe they deserve it more than I do. I wonder if I am not good enough for their love anymore, even though I still love this person more than anything. And all of this roots to feeling as if I am unloved because of that.

I have had a lot of time to think about this...and I am finally starting to understand a very complex part of my mind's inner workings. This belief is one of my strongest beliefs. The belief that I am not good enough. It is a monster inside of me that will not be easily destroyed. It is something that causes me misery each and every single day. I know no one can fix it but me, but at the same time, no one else can make me stop doubting a person except that one person. In my opinion, the doubt being destroyed destroys part of the monster...but this process would take too long. For now though...I still need reassurance. I still need to know I matter. And for any of you who wondered why I needed this....well, now you know.

It is a very infectious disease inside of me that has festered for years and years. It's not easily defeated, and all of you must understand that you can't expect me to always "know", because I can assure that I don't always "know". I won't always "know" until I feel safe enough to be able to feel that I can believe that; that I can always "know" without being stabbed in the back. Until then, I will never be able to just "know". First, you need to help me feel that my trust is safe in your hands...and that takes time. Are you willing to give it?