Why is She Different?

Why is her death so different than anyone else's?

I went in with my mom today to try out mom's new rifle. It shot well and accurate, but something happened while I was at the range.

Obviously, I go to where I work to shoot. When we went in, everyone was sort of quiet and taken aback like. I didn't ask, I just figured someone had yelled at them about something. But then the manager who had hired me (no longer my direct boss, though) asked me, "Did you hear about Kim and Kathy?" Normally I won't use names, but I have to with this piece.

My first thought was that they got fired. Kim is the "new" sales girl that I befriended very quickly and we've hung out a lot since she started working there. Kathy is her aunt, who was hired about two weeks ago (it might be slightly longer, but you lose track of time with the schedules sometimes). Because of family issues, they had never really met each other, but Kim moved here from Long Island to re-meet the rest of her family. In the short time she has been down here she and her Aunt Kathy have gotten very close, and they are something else when together. So my first thought was oh my God, they really pissed someone off.

Sadly, that was not the case. Kathy left work early yesterday because she didn't feel well. Kim had called her boss - the guy who broke the news to me - to say she wasn't going to be in today because she felt like she had the flu or something. She called him again at 10:30 to tell him that her aunt had passed away.

She had a heart attack last night and didn't survive.

As soon as he said it I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Kim doesn't live far from the shop, and my first instinct was to drive out to her apartment. I haven't been able to get a hold of her on the phone, but I assume she is with her uncle right now. Her uncle has been trying for ages to get Kathy to live a little healthier lifestyle, and to some point it had worked. But I assume he isn't holding together really well right now.

I didn't know Kathy well. I had met her a few weeks ago, and then when she started working here. We went out to lunch one day last week. She and Kim had gone shopping the other day and she bought this huge plastic pirate sword to wear to work, to poke fun at the one manager who always carries a huge knife on his side and a gun on the other (he thought it was funny, but she knew he would).

I know Kim had broken her plans to have the traditional Sunday dinner with her family this past Sunday because she wanted some alone time. I can imagine she feels like shit about it now. There is something about those traditional family dinners that hurts when the family gets smaller. We used to do Thanksgiving at my grandmother's house, and it was always me, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, Uncle Tony, and Aunt Louise. I remember how bad it hurt the year grandpa's chair was empty. Than Aunt Louise. Then Uncle Tony. Then my grandma. Now it's just me, mom, and dad, and dad had heart surgery to prevent what happened to Kathy.

So, why has this all hit me so hard? As soon as he said it, I managed to squeak out, "How?" But then I had to excuse myself and go outside for a moment. I didn't really cry. But it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I felt like I had just lost a family member. And I hardly knew Kathy.

Of course, the first thing I assume is that it was my friend's aunt, and knowing what I do I know she was in pain and I wanted to be there for her, but I wanted to give her space at the same time. When I heard the news that my friend Jhmil had been killed back in 2004, I cried so hard I couldn't breath. I don't think I ever cried about someone's death as hard as I cried for Jhmil. I still getting teary eyed when I think of him (and I really don't like talking about Jhmil out of typing it because, for some reason, it hurts more). And I find myself replaying the time I knew Kathy, which is only a few weeks. Certain things that happened, things we talked about, just little things during the course of the day. And it isn't the same. But it is. I don't know how to explain it.

I really don't know why this hit me as hard as it did. And I am sure this whole thing above is a jumble of random shit right now. I'll find out when I proof read it. But it is another result of all of this. Everything today after that was a jumble of random shit. I spent the afternoon and evening cleaning guns. All three of mine and my mom's rifle. I tried to call Kim, and I am sure her bitch roommate won't tell her I was trying to contact her. I've been restless. I don't know why I felt like I was going to cry and then didn't. I don't know why it felt like she was family when he told me she'd passed. I don't know why her death is different than every other death I've lived through. And I've dealt with this a lot. All the family I mentioned above. The friends I lost on 9/11. Rene's mom. My two best friends, Alice and Poochanne. The wives of two co-workers I had been close with in armored. Jhmil. My friend who killed himself while I was in high school. Why is Kathy so different from all of them?

I'm going to try to call Kim again tomorrow. She's far away from her sister and friends, and she needs someone right now. Someone who isn't grieving as hard as she is. And if she needs someone, I'm there.

On top of all of this, I was sifting through a catalogue tonight and came across something that made it worse. It was a Christmas memorial. I know Kim's family is religious, so it struck me. One piece of the memorial was a tree ornament that said, "Merry Christmas from Heaven. I'm spending Christmas with Jesus This Year." Even now it gives me goose bumps.