On Being Bipolar

Whoever said “I have bipolar, it doesn’t have me,” wasn’t talking about me. Sure, I handle it the best I can, but even mild bipolar, like the kind I ha

Whoever said “I have bipolar, it doesn’t have me,” wasn’t talking about me.  Sure, I handle it the best I can, but even mild bipolar, like the kind I have, can cause major problems in life.  

One quack of a therapist told me, “a twenty-eight year old woman with a five year old child moves in with her parents is not normal.”  To some, this statement may not be out of line.  There I was, suffering from severe self-esteem issues because I did feel like a failure, and here was this man telling me I was abnormal.  He essentially confirmed my failure:  as a woman, as a mother and as a person.  Here I am now, a year later, and thanks to my good therapist (Love you, Gale) and a knowledgeable psychiatrist who doesn’t let me just refill my meds over the phone.  I have accomplished things in the last year that I could not accomplish in the eight years after college I am pursuing a second bachelor’s degree, raising my son and helping him through his own anxiety issues (that’s a whole other paper).

I do have swings.  One week I’ll be down, the next will be normal, the next I’ll be up.  Let me define these for you.  A ‘down’ is usually defined as a depression.  Mine aren’t crying weepy sad downs.  My downs consist of angry outbursts over insignificant things:  the volume on the TV or radio is too high; someone spilling paint in the garage; dropping my keys.  These are insignificant, or at least easily fixed.  

An ‘up’ for me (also known as a mania) is luckily not too severe.  Severe manias result in a sense of invulnerability.  The severe manias result in the patient believing he is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ, nothing can hurt him so risky behavior is prevalent:  driving 100 mph on a 30 mph road, for example.  My manias are not so severe.  My speech speeds up, I feel that no matter what happens I’ll be okay (when my Christian friends in high school heard that, they said I had found Jesus), I spend money quite freely (last summer I spent $3,000 in loan money in one month, so I had to get a job to pay bills, something I didn’t want to have to do right away while back into school full time).  These ups were not severe, but they caused life problems:  money problems, emotional stress, just overall icky self-esteem issues.

The problem with this disorder is the stigma:  it’s all in your head.  Biologically, this is not inaccurate.  My brain is inconsistent in how it processes serotonin.  I have a chemical imbalance which creates uncontrollable moods.  One of my good doctors explained it in a ‘user-friendly’ way:  my brain is trying to equalize the levels of serotonin so when the levels are down (causing depression) the brain receives a signal to release the chemical, stimulating the serotonin producers into overdrive.  The serotonin overshoots a normal level creating an overload (causing mania) so it is a circle – depression requires more serotonin levels, increased production creates an overload, causing mania, serotonin producers halt for too long, causing depression.  
I have medication now:  Fluoxetine (generic Prozac) and Lamictal.  Most people know that Prozac helps control serotonin reuptake which ups the mood, helping control depression.  The Lamictal helps equalize the moods.  I still have ups and downs, but they’re less severe and less frequent.  

This semester I am enrolled in 22 course credit hours.  I also have two part time jobs, a production assignment for my theatre major as well as parental responsibilities.  Hopefully I can handle it.  If not, I’ll have to slow down and focus on my son.

For now, this week at least, I feel rather stable.  When I am working on a project my stress level increases, but when I am finished and feel successful my mood is heightened – which would be normal, right?  I have to be careful.  If I get too excited well, emotions can get messy.  Most of the time I can tell when a down is coming:  I am tired, angry, anxious, have a lot of self-doubt and embarrassment.  They are my symptoms of an impending severe depression.  Once the depression hits, my life feels over.  I am physically unable to get out of bed.  I don’t see the necessity to shower or wash my hands after using the restroom.  I do not try to eat or do anything healthy.  I turn into a section of the sofa.
Some people say it is a matter of willpower, “if you wanted to get out of bed, you would do it.”  Not so.  If I don’t get out of bed, I don’t go to work, I don’t get paid, I can’t pay rent or phone or car etc., etc., etc.  I don’t want to be dependent upon medication in order to maintain normal brain activity, but if I must, I will.

The stigma behind bipolar and any other mental illness (I hate that term) is that even if it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, sufferers are told by family and friends to “suck it up,” “just go to work,” “cheer up, it could be worse.”  No, it can’t.  You wouldn’t ask a person with Type 2 Diabetes to “suck it up” and just not eat grains, fruits, sugar, etc.  You’d say “be careful with your diet, but be sure to have your insulin with you.”

As a young child I would hold feelings in and then explode into violent tantrums.  I had my first depressive episode when I was in the fifth grade.  Bipolar is not about PMS or self-control.  Bipolar is a real disorder.  If someone in your family line suffered from Bipolar, you are predisposed to it.  My son has a predisposition to Bipolar, Depression, ADHD and an obsessive personality, solely based on biology.  Biology and chemistry plus a traumatic event can easily trigger a mania and kick off a nasty battle for diagnosis and treatment.  

Luckily I am now aware of the reality of my Bipolar.  I still haven’t tackled a few issues, primarily housekeeping, but I am trying to work on it.  I will probably be on medication the bulk of my life, as my brain chemistry does not maintain health levels on its own.

Do I wish I didn’t have Bipolar?  I cannot answer that question.  I do not like knowing from day to day “will this be a down day?”  I don’t like feeling worthless because a friend didn’t invite me over for a movie.  I don’t like living in constant fear that I am not normal.  However, I could not understand this disorder if I did not have it.  I couldn’t know why I feel the way I feel without experiencing it.  I cannot change who I am or what type of disorders I have.  All I can do is manage them the best I can and communicate myself to myself and to others to the best of my ability.