So I got on-line and did my usual rounds to sites I check every night. I stopped off at one that has a journaling feature sort of on the side, not the main focus, not many people actually use it. I use it rarely. But I have some people friended, so when they update their journals, I get a notice.
I got a notice from the first guy I befriended on the site. He's a cool guy, never seems out of sorts. But today he left a really weird journal entry. He didn't say he was going to kill himself, but it had that feel to it, complete with the whole "you will never see me again, this is my final goodbye" ending. And judging from the other notes left on it, I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Now, the big reaction came from the fact that this guy isn't exactly an attention seeker. He's friendly, so on and so forth. But not the type to seek out attention, especially not in the dramatic ways. So it caught people off guard.
I don't know exactly what happened to cause this journal entry. But he was talking about how people don't care about each other, they are selfish and willing to hurt others for their own ends, and he hates people.
Now, anyone who has ever read my "Dumbass Files" knows I am not fond of people. I would generally go as far as to say that I have really learned to hate people. For so many reasons and on so many varying levels. A lot of it has stemmed from my past of being tortured in school, combined with my experiences at my last two jobs with people who were willing to hit me with their cars because an ATM was down to people stepping in front of the moving trucks because they supposedly own the planet and we should stop on a dime because they said so to customers who thought our only purpose in life was to come to them once a day so they could be verbally abusive. Toss in the hurt my friends have dealt with by idiot partners, my own past boyfriends who were just dweebs, and the people who have hurt my parents over the years, plus my own family... which includes an aunt who went out of her way to make sure her mother's funeral was on her brother's (my father) birthday to an uncle who, as a police officer, pulled a gun on me as a small child and told me he was going to kill me... which made me completely terrified of cops for a good deal of my life. Not to mention that this man left his own mother to die in a medicare home that was known to be abusive, especially by the ungodly bed sores his mother developed.
However.
I still remain open to friendships with people. And I sure as hell am not going to kill myself over people. I figure, the best way to handle people you hate is to keep on going. Move up in the world and succeed. Nothing pisses off nasty assed people like watching other people succeed in life. When people hit me with their cars at ATMs, I stood back up and kept working. Because it pissed them off even more. When my boss fired me last week, I came right out and told him after collecting unemployment for a while I was going to go out and get myself a job that paid a living wage and treated their workers like the actual humans they are. At my first job in NC when we got the letter from the woman who decided her unborn child had a learning disability, I wrote a story about it and deleted the email. When I had friends prove to be enemies, I turned around and made new friends, and somehow continued my life without them, imagine that.
In the past, being honest, I have thought about suicide as an escape for whatever was depressing me. But I overcame. And through the bullshit and the drama I always remember something... for every five stupid pieces of shit I meet I am going to meet one really good person. And that one really good person is always worth the wait. Now, I've been lucky. I've met a lot of really good people. Of course, I've met WAY more stupid pieces of shit, and I worked with a ton of them not too long ago. But you learn to move on because you don't have a choice. It is always better than the alternative, isn't it?
Life is hard. Death is probably easy. Depending on what religion, if any, is right about the afterlife. But on the surface, life is difficult to make it through. Death is a lot easier to accomplish. It could take me years to get over being shit on by some asshole I used to call a friend, but it would only take a minute to pop a bullet in the magazine and pull the trigger. Here, however, is the deciding factor. What, in the end, proves you are better than every asshole you ever come across? What is one thing people talk about when they leave high school? Showing up to their reunions thin, rich, and with a nice piece of arm candy, right? Because what is the ultimate revenge? Doing better than the assholes you have come across. Succeeding even though people were trying to hold you down and kick dirt in your face. What does shooting yourself accomplish? Nothing. Because the good people, the ones you don't want to hurt, are the ones who will remember you and cry over your grave. Not the assholes. Not the guy/girl who left you for someone better looking. Not the kids in high school who made fun of your weight/hair/teeth/family income/etc. Not the family members who would just as soon shit on you than speak to you. The good people. The assholes won't remember you in a week, if they even bother to notice you are gone in the first place.
And... now I'm stepping off my soap box. Thank you.
Why end it over people?!
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Erin... That was a wonderful article. Thank you. The hopeful note is so uplifting, and that is a gift to us all. And with all the crap piling up around us, well, we need all the hope and joy we can get.
I learned some new things about you, Erin... And it made me both sad for you and proud of you. I always knew you were one tough chica, but... You proved that there's more to your bite than just your bark. I hope that I can someday call myself one of those 1 in 5 really nice people... And reading this column makes me want to work harder to become that.
I completely agree. If you commit suicide, then they win! And we can't let that happen, now can we? Thank you for helping me and other readers find that strength to just keep fighting. That's so important... I can't even begin to describe how important it is. Humans are social creatures. We thrive on the company of others. We base our own self-worth off the opinions of others. We go out of our way to "fit the norm". If only we could just step back and realize how much we all need each other, and be nicer to each other for it. If I ever see your stupid boss, or horrible aunt, or any of those other jerks, then you know they'll be getting a good ol' knee in the groin...
Well, at least your out of your awful job, right? Best of luck with your dreams... I know you can do it.
s
Kyla -
Hi,Taur-amandil:
This poem is filled with pain!it is awful what some people do to others I was picked on terribly when I was a kid and came away hurt and my self esteem in the cellar.As I grew it stayed with me and I vowed I would not do the things done to me and do what I could to make sure if I saw it happening to another to stop it.I searched within myself and found that I was a good person and I found a reason to like myself and also something i relized that people can say what they will most times it is not how they really feel about you but something within them b it sorrow or being picked on themselves or pain caused to them by someones elses and is passed onto you.Later i met up with these people and found what I just said is true because we became friends when we met again.It is hard as a kid to think of these things so as we go we learn.This is very well written and you are a talented writer,well done.
mrsfoss -
There is no real escape from things, in all honesty. I've tried the 'cowardly way' out, but it was weird - I'm scared of dying, but I was trying to die. In reality, it was an attention thing. I didn't want to die, I just wanted people to see that I was hurting. See, I can't ever ask for help, it's a dumb pride thing. It has to go really far before I can ask for it. And things are always different for me than for other people, selfish I know. I get pissed off when someone I knows gets in that state, especially when it's a particular person. But that's just because I don't know how to deal with it. If I can't help myself when I'm in that situation, there's no hope of helping someone else, right? Maybe one day things will change, but no one can ever say for sure. But, I've got stronger since those self-pitying days. I am able to show the bullies what I've become. I'm doing a music degree, when most of them are stuck being single mothers and have been since they were teenagers. I chose not to go out partying when I was a teenager, and I'm in a better place now than what I would have been if I'd had. I've lost all of my college friends, and I don't have any friends where I am living now, just the ones I would see once in a blue moon. I have a friend in Michael's friend Chris, who is there for me when Michael and me have trouble. Basically, I agree with you whole-heartedly. There is no justice in suicide. Those who feel like it, need to be shown the happy things in their lives. That's how I get myself out of that rut. I'm feeling low right now because of Michael, but I'm reminding myself of what I have besides him - not much in this country, but I have a lot back home. And I believe that there is nothing on the otherside for those who take their lives. They will not be at peace, they will just be alone, lost - just like they were in this life. Great column, Erin.
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Great write, and not only is suicide not the answer, it's the cowards way as well, and most suicide is wrought from self-pity which I loatheeeeeeeeeeee. I know it sounds cruel but, I say do it or STFU about it as I get sick of hearing..oh my b/f left me ..cut my wrist, or, nobody likes me..I'm gonna overdose on pills...yeah so..do it or STFU. Actually most who do committ 'sideways' never warn a soul for fear they might try to stop them, so the ones who yell it are not very apt to carry it out 9 times of 10. Life is hard, nobody ever said it wasn't, but the strong live and the weak merely survive or take the easy cowardly road to 'sideways'. And before someone blasts me for this reply, don't bother to ask, yes I've had it rough maybe moreso than you. I've been raped, I was abused and beaten severely from 3 months to 13 yrs. by an alcoholic father and have the scars internal and external, I've done almost every drug imaginable short of any needles, I've lost a child when he was but a newborn no not due to drugs or anything like that, and I just recently lost my grammy, my aunt, my cousin, and all those three in the last 2 weeks. I've lost friends to death from drug OD'S, and some to murder, and have been in some pretty rough places, was in a car wreck that almost took my life and did leave a 5 inch wide crack in my skull, I've had my wrist severed and surgery on both hands for carpal tunnel, I've raised and still am raising a daughter alone and have since she was 1 1/2 yrs...she's almost 15 now, and I've been divorced twice. But I never EVER thought of taking my life, as I see it if you don't have the sense to appreciate what you have and the priviledge of living then you don't deserve to be here anyway, so STFU or just do it!! Sorry so emotional and seems like a rant but I feel strongly about this subject, indeed.
~Sherry~
Edited on Nov 08, 5:43 because ''. -
very good! suicide is not the answer- we don't know what awaits us on "the other side" and it could be better or worse, but we may not be able to escape from whatever it is. glad that you have overcome suicidal tendencies, I maintain that people who make you feel that crap about life that you're willing to give it up are not worth giving life up for. (did that make sense?
) Anyway, hope this guy yu mentioned is okay. And I hope that more people in the world wake up tomorrow morning caring a little bit more than they did today.
Nice fluid writing! Enjoyed reading this!
Edited on Nov 08, 3:46 because 'wot spulling mistayk?'.
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