Why is it when you ask for space because you feel too crowded, when they finally give you space, you feel abandoned? For the past week or two, I've been asking for more and more space from my boyfriend, it's a miracle we see each other during the day.During my life, I've been abandoned and I have gotten used to it... but now that I have a boyfriend, he was all over me... there when I was talking to friends, there when I didn't need him, and it got overwhelming... but now, I feel abandoned again, and I'm scared I'll get left behind in life. I want to show him I need him around... but I didn't want to sound too needy and obsessive to him. He's trying his best to do as I ask, but I'm not even sure what I want. I'm too afraid to ask for help with my problems and I don't know how to express my truest feelings for him. I want to be perfect for him... but nothing helps. So... why is it? I just want to be his "perfect girl". Is that even possible?
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i dont think you could push me that far, there is a difference between me and others they dont love you the way i do, i know wat ur saying that we cant predict the future i know we cant, i know ur afaird of wat might happen next but i know wat i feel now and i know that it wont end no matter wat happen i know i made a promise to find someone else and forget you but i know that forgetting you probaly wqont happen, i may find some one else but i wont love them the way i love you, i wish you could admit things to me but if it is wat you chose to do not me so ui will let you figure it out, it is also ur chouse weather or not u need help but again it is all ur chouse
ttyl i love you
tony -
And if I actually do push you away far enough for you to actually hate me? I know you say it will never happen... but I've been known to make others actually hate me. And it scares me that I will do that to you... I'm surprised I haven't yet. I know I need help... but I don't want it. I don't think someone could actually help me... to a full recovery. And that's what I want. A full recovery... free from my past horrors, my sister's death, and everyone else's deaths... my nightmares, my... fantasies??? It's asking for too much. Too much that not one person can help me with. Too much for ten people to help me with. And I'm sick of it having to be this way, but it's the path that was chosen for me. I like to say that it's your life and your own journey... but it's not. You're life is laid out for you... every little speck of it. So no... it's not my choice... it's God's choice and whether he wanted me to be helped... and right now... I'm not sure if I should be helped or not. For all I know, he might want me killed tonight. Or tomorrow... or ten years from now. We don't know when we're supposed to die... or how we're supposed to die. Maybe I'm supposed to commit a horrible murder... and then commit suicide for it. Maybe I'm the one supposed to be murdered. Or I could die in my sleep... I'm just trying to say that no one knows what lies ahead in their future... I had no clue you were going to ask me out when you did. At first, I thought about saying yes because I felt sorry for myself... then it was you I felt sorry for... then that's when I realized that I may actually love you. I'm still scared. Scared to what you may say next... whether it be good or bad. Whether it could improve or disprove our future. And I'm always going to be afraid of that. I love you and I always will... I just need a lot and very little from you at this point in our relationship. I'm mostly afraid of whether to tell you what I'm thinking about and my feelings. Or to just throw it all away and keep my feelings and emotions for you locked up forever.There are even things I am afraid to admit to myself. I Love You,
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Ashleigh M. Boucher ~
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well you dont have to worry about losing me forever because no matter how far u push me away i will still be there by your side.me and james were talking about u, and u getting help help then i ran into a problem that it is all your desision if u want the help or not i dont like to admite it but he is right that it is your chosing weather or no u want help
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Then why do I feel like I need to be perfect for you? I feel so scared at times to tell you my feelings that I keep them hidden away until they hurt either one of us, or both of us. And here I thought girls were supposed to be able to express their feelings. I love you and I always will, I'm just too frightened when to tell you I need help or not. I also feel as if I need more space from you when in actuality, I probably need you by my side almost 24/7. But yes, our parents keep you away from me at the worst of times. The times when I need you the most. I'm still learning to tell my parents my feelings and I feel is best for me... and I've lived with them for over 15 years. I'm scared that if I push you away too much, I'll lose you forever... and yet, I don't want to pull you in because I feel drownded by your presence. I'm afraid to let go of my fears and let you in to my heart... my true heart. I feel like I can't let you in there because everyone I've let into my true heart, they just broke it. And I don't want that to happen again. AND with the voices back, it's hard to think for myself with them talking to me on how I'm not worth you and that you cheat on me and shit like that. I feel as if I'm going insane. I can't stand it!!!!!!
~Ash. -
ashleigh i dont want you too be perfect for me i want u to be yourself, i have been trying to follow wat u ask me to do but it is hard because my heart tells me to help you and u tell ask me for more space but now u r feeling alone again, you can ask me for anything ashleigh, i want u to be able to talk to me and tell me ur feelings, i know u told me somethings of wat u are feeling but it isnt all of i, i am not professional help but i am the closest thing to it right now and i have been trying to help u as much a possible without overcrowding u again, but are parents feeling the need to seperate us and keep us apparete because they dont want another grandchild it is making everyting wrost for u and m because we cant talk like we should be able to . are parents dont understand how u are feeling and they make it wrost by yelling at u. i just hope that you let me in more so i can help u
bye i love you
tony -
Touching... :(
Sweet Ashleigh...to be anybodies "perfect" anything is impossible. We simply WORK to make it always better. You will find you need BOTH- your own space, and this one you love. He needs to learn your boundaries, and not feel it is because you don't love him- in fact- you are so desirous of being PERFECT for him!
Let him help- as much as he can. But it is you Ashleigh who must decide if you really want help. It is no sin to ask nor need it.
I recently met someone. I have lived alone almost 13 years of my life. I NEED that space, but I also need love too! Oh my- can you imagine...how will I adjust?!? Is love enough?
One thing is certain. You are a good person, and you mean no harm to anyone...you have a beautiful heart! But you must let everyone you love know that as much as you love them, you need space for YOU also. That isn't selfish at all. You have written this out sobeautifully...I hope he reads it. You can write personal notes as well to him. But remember Ashleigh...some days you may feel such longing, and the next day something different.
I believe unless you are suicidal that drugs are bad for your age. I believe in you- I do- but IF you have true suicidal thoughts...please get help. There is a chance it could help you feel SO MUCH MORE balanced!
I am so proud of you. I really am. You express yourself so beautifully! All my love...
- Your Gooooompa!
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