Whispers are parasites that want to envelop you in sadness and despair. Just a misplaced word here or there can disintegrate my confidence to shreds. How to go forward is usually to go backwards; to talk of mis spent youth, abuse, torture and infantile questioning. Meaningless garble; if you can't talk the talk, you can't walk, you merely waddle and admire the giants...
.. how to manage, how can one manage if one can't express themselves in clear words.. in life rather than text speak. My mind is so full of deadlines, stress, life and death decision making - I am consumed, I lost my free thought long ago.
When patience is a virtue and hopelessness is a dear friend, how can I progress? I detest every notion of who I am, what I do and where I am going? Self Destruction: C'est La Via.
Religion can sometimes be a smoke screen; a sneeky peek of the answers before examination time, without really questioning the logic. As one lecturer explained to me; what matters more is the journey to the conclusion rather than the conclusion itself.
My problem is that I concentrate on the former and turn a blind eye to the latter; a thousand floating thoughts and no sense of linkage...
Someone will 'counsell" me shortly; they will tell me how to be different and I will explain why I will remain the same (another snoresome episode of sadness and suicide in equal measure).
Until next time..
A Little Update
Date: 15 November 2005
How Time Goes By
It was only three months ago since I felt the pain and sadness of leaving my long term partner. The days seemed never ending, hope seemed lost, tears whetted every clusp of sadness within; and yet here I am, I came through that, with my dignity and pride intact, and managed to move on.
I have learnt so much about myself in the past 3 months. I have first of all learnt how to mourn. How to mourn the end of something so beautiful, and look back it without bitterness. I know that the decision we made was the best one, and allowed each of us to get on with our own lives. The love and respect we had and have for one another is eternal. Nothing can break that.
Second of all, I have learnt how to cope. How to face the day and get on with the things I need to do and then worry about the things I'd like to do. Doing this has meant I still have my job, my house, my car, my university course all relatively intact,. Yes I could have done better, but I also was going through my own personal hell. But I got through that and I'm so much stronger for it.
Thirdly, I moved on with my faith in love intact. I still believe in love and soul mates. I still believe in finding happiness. I've been lucky enough, aged 22, to feel more love and solitude than most experience in a lifetime. I have shared five years of my life with a man whom I loved, and he loved me. We shared so many precious moments that no one can take away from me. Those moments were special for both him and I. No matter what happened after, those moments will eternally be ours to cherish.
And finally, I have learnt to move on. I have learnt to accept who I am, every flaw, weakeness and positive attribute. I have learnt to be happy with myself, and that is the single most important thing he ever gave me. He gave me a chance to grasp my self esteem, confidence, respect and love back and live for myself. And through doing this, this has opened so many other opportunities and experiences in my life that I am eternally grateful for.
I have been so blessed in life - I have love, I having loving friends and family. I have found my soulmate and found new friendships and a new relationship.
I looked back at some of the poetry I wrote when going through the break up and beforehand. Reading these lines no longer take me on a portal to the past. They remind me of where I've come from, how far I've come, and how far I've yet to go.
Tonight
[link]
they say I'm stronger than yesterday
yet why do I breed such pityful sorrow?
Do I cast the nett so wide with need
no returning note from pigeons' sent.
tease each hair lingering the first stroke
I need this pain, this hurt, these tears
so engrossed in hapless dead ends
while the same old wheel keeps on spinnin'
frustration and anger hell bent in rage
I need this nip, this slit, this release.
too much lightning in such a small space
seems fickle but I need something stronger
a friend in need is a friend holding the gun
one playing the singer, one play the nun
a cliched kiss of destruction devoured
'Till a lifeless body lays before Him
advice pours but solomn clots
stolen honey still tastes sweet
hatred swells a healing wound
yet paracatomol doesnt inject reality ( a shame )
Welcome stranger
At the moment, I am feeling very introspective. My heart is luring me to smash my skull into every eggshell crust, every sullen bit of wallpaper, every brick wall. Mistakes and regrets are the stuff of legends... Jealously, trust, manipulation, all the grit of theatre. But I don't want my life to be a play. I want to let go of that.
My childhood wasn't the easiest. My parents constantly faught, over everything, anyhow and anywhere. As a consequence, I rarely got peace and quiet, personal space and self respect. During my early years of adulthood, I learnt how to live without these necessities, and presumed other people could do the same.
The hardest part of growing up and nurturing relationships, whether it be friendships or relationships, is accepting that other people have different backgrounds, values, limits and needs. The crucial mistake is believing everyone is the same. Even with close friends, there are vital difference that can break even the strongest bond if challenged.
They often say the strongest personalities are the most depressed, and in my case, I fit that gleaming stereotype. Because of the relationship my mum and dad had, I have picked up many bad habits in relationships. I like love, I need love, I am obsessive..
When I fall in love, I lose all value in myself. I am willing to give absolutely anything to that other person at whatever sacrifice I have to make personally. Even worse than that, I expect my partner to do likewise.
Looking back at all the unhappiness and discontent I have had in previous relationships, I can see the patterns emerging. I fall in love deeply, then rely on the other person for all my emotional needs, that leads to disappointment, hurt, frustration, anger and in the end leads to the quick demise of the relationship.
By trying to understand what went wrong and why, I can move forward with my life and allow myself to be the person I want to be.
Here lies traces of the journey I have taken to find true love so far and many paths to what is yet to come.
I am about to embark on the most important, rewarding, painful and confusing journey of my life, but embark I must. We cannot all live in the past, we must learn to face the future, and all the uncertainty it inevitably will bring.
Settled
by Pinkypants
a torn gutted heart
weeping dry clotted venom
another broken dream
Up and Coming
Every week I will be writing a collection of 5 poems emalgamating all the feelings, fears and hopes I have gone through during that period.
You will be able to find these poems in a new collection that I will create shortly.
If you need to get in contact, I have changed my email address, so IM me and I will send you the address.
Thank you to those of you who continue to provide the support I need to get through this. I really appreciate it and I hope one day I will be able to show you how much it means to me.
Beautiful Disaster
by Kelly Clarkson
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as dumb as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
It just ain’t right
Oh when I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
His magical myth
As strong as with I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
I’m longing for love and the logical
But he’s only happy hysterical
I’m waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long
He’s soft to the touch
But afraid at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still leaves more than I can take
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
Fourteen Thousand Dragonflies
by Pinkypants
Let's devour the bitter taste of our ashes,
Here they lie for every one to powder themselves
You sit, as always, quite the knight,
Telling tales so exquistly beautiful.
You shine your armour when other distractions cease,
To catch your attention, your affection, your love.
Whispered words of hope drift through the air,
Majestically hammering themselves into the old Oak.
Still nothing grows, not even this miracle of nature,
Without loving care, attention and a commitment.
A commitment that this seed we planted will grow,
We cannot hope for miracles on figments of imagination.
But I cannot sow if I still weep,
For something torn down many winters ago.
Where branches were snapped and leaves fell,
Stripped of all it's beauty
And as we were drawn into the sick cycle again,
Our lonely golden snaps glowed with emerald somber
Our dark rich base crumbled with rage
And evaporated in an army of fourteen thousand Dragonflies
In nights yonder I saw you stumble,
Clasping to shards of grass
Lying in the spot where we made those promises
Watching the fallen leaves rot.
And there you lie still
Holding on to all thats left of a fading memory
Drinking away the last of your tankard
Decomposing as you slumber
A New Understanding - November 2005
Once a doormat, always a doormat, That's what they all used to say. Once a fool, always a fool, Generalisations, emancipations, From accepting the truth. We all make mistakes, that is part of life. If we do not forgive and forget how do we wake up in the morning? I am now understanding more about who I am. I will not be cheated on, emotionally or physically. I will not be forced into actions that I am not comfortable with. I will not be emotionally manipulated. I will accept responsibility for my actions.I will not do everything in relationships.The men who I choose to have relationships with should be PROUD and CONTENT to have me by their side. I should not be made to feel sub standard, second best. I will not accept feelings of jealousy caused by sexual flirtation. I will not allow myself to feel it.
Blokes who want to piss around are not part of my vocabulary. If someone doesnt want to make an effort with me, it is their loss. I will not go creeping. I will get on with my life, and them with theirs.
I look for love in relationships; respect, dedication and the ability of the relationship to last for the long term. I don't do short term boyfriends. I don't want a casual fling. I want the real thing. I will not accept anything less than what I want. I do not NEED a relationship. I would like one. I am not ready for one yet. But I know when I in one I will be dedicated, loving, caring, committed, faithful and hopeful. It will make me EVEN more happy and content than I was currently feeling.
I'm OK
by Christina Aguilera
Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face
Everytime my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon
Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK
I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"
Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on
Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
It's not so easy to forget
All the lines you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And every day I'm afraid to come home
In fear of what I might see there
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK
I'm OK
Real Name : Naima Nick : Pinky (on the brain!) Former Nick : Suicide Child Age: 21 Gender: Female Location: Wales, UK. Relationships: In Love Occupation: Politics and Law Student, Customer Service Assistant Motto for Life: If you don't ask, you don't get! & Chin Up Likes: Curries, chocolate, F1, life Dislikes: False gimps Hobbies: Playing piano & guitar, singing, listening to music, playing computer games, living Things that matter: Family, friends, politics, freedom and education. Email Me: pinkypants@allpoetry.com |
My family on AP:
allpoetry.com/poets/RhymingObituary - My Partner
allpoetry.com/poets/Random%20Master- Random Master
allpoetry.com/poets/ignorant%20angel- My ex Boyfriend
Journal June 2005
I thought I'd do a little bit of an update now my exams are over and I can write some poetry again! A little about me ... I'm a 21 year old scary girl from Wales, UK. I'm currently studying my pants off and I work part time at as a technical support call centre agent. At university I study Politics and in my spare time I'm doing a Law degree through the Open University (= I'm a very broke student!). From September, I will be taking a National Internship at the National Assembly for Wales as part of my final year at university.
I'm an Athiest (I am not, however, anti religion), with a Muslim father and Christian mother. For me religion at home caused more bad than good so you can't blame me for rejecting it altogether (for the time being!). I'm interested in philosophy, how the world works, all the cultures of the people of the world and spirituality. My boyfriend's mother has ME and is immensely interested in spirituality and self helping; I blame her for my infatuation with it!
My spare time is spent on Allpoetry, with my family and friends, playing computer games, reading, listening to (good?!) music, playing my guitar and driving my car (it is worst car ever .. but hey, it MOVES!). I'm looking forward to my 3rd and final year at university in September... and then.. FREEDOM! (ahem!).
My best life experience so far? absailing down a 100ft quarry drop in Merthyr Tydfil, Wales (if you've ever studied British History, you'll know that Merthyr had lots of quarries and mines!). I loved it so much I had to try it again (I blame it on the cola!).
My poetry style ranges from strange to cliche to "unique." I don't really consider myself to be a poet, I only write for the pleasure it brings (and the pain it inflicts on the people reading!).
Why a motto for life? Well, while working, my trainer said to my group, "If you don't ask, you don't get!" Seems like an obvious statement, but I was surprised at the effects when I put it to the test! I got an extention on my essay, my bank gave me an overdraft, my car insurer paid my banking fine on my direct debit, I managed to get a rental car though I was under 23, my phone company reduced my bill by £10 per month.. saving me £120 a year AND sent me a new phone (a Samsung E720 for you phone phreaks out there!), a Bluetooth headset, refunded me £40 that they charged me for the new phone and gave double minutes and texts for the first 6 months! Asking does work! GOD BLESS O2 RETENTIONS DEPARTMENT!! Seems simple, but give it a try Accept nothing, question everything!
I've finally got time to spend on Allpoetry again after a one month break! I've left a number of groups in Allpoetry, mainly due to their inactivity and lack of discussion! I also was a member of too many groups and I couldn't be an active member of all them! I'm now putting some more effort into my group, Hush Hush Hush and I will be judging the group's first ever contest on Friday (woohoo!).
Well thats enough of my rambling! Have a good snoop around!
Take care
LINK OF THE FORTNIGHT :
SORRY EVERYONE >
www.sorryeverybody.com
Join This !
Hush, Hush, Hush - in love with female singers / artists
Join now, no application needed
allpoetry.com/group/1227
FAVORATE POETS ON AP:
Here is a list of a mixture of friends, fans and inspirational poets from around this site
www.allpoetry.com/poem/1023232
... all seriously talented writers - go read and comment on their poetry and I will add more soon If you notice someone's name is on there twice, let me know and I'll sort it out. I just copied and pasted from my Favorites List
FAVORATE BANDS / ARTISTS:
Within Temptation, Elysian Fields, Sarah McLachlan, Paula Cole, Natalie Imbruglia, Matchbox 20, Linkin Park, Fiona Apple, Aretha Franklin, Avril Lavigne, Delta Goodrem, Alanis Morrisette, Oasis, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bon Jovi, Blur, Radiohead, David Gray, Sheryl Crow, UB40, Justin Timberlake, Kelly Clarkson, Elton John, George Michael, Pink, Mad At Gravity, Goo Goo Dolls, The Calling, Toploader, 3 Doors Down, Joss Stone, Counting Crows, Barenaked Ladies, Train,.... so many more but these are the main ones ... yeah i know some are manufactured artists but i forgive me for falling into the corporate trap! mwahhaa! (thats what free Launch Yahoo is for tho.. )
FILMS:
Donnie Darko (one of those WOW films), Moulin Rouge, The Labrinth (i can never spell it, hehe!), Lost in Translation (captured all the hopeless feelings in my life right now), The Whole Nine & Ten Yards, all films with John Kusack in (America's Sweethearts, High Fidelity, Grosse Pointe Blank etc!), most films with Mathew Perry (Three to Tango) and Hugh Grant (Love Actually, Two Weeks Notice, About a Boy, Bridget Jones's Diary, Notting Hill, Four Weddings and a Funeral) - so many more...
TV:
This Life (anyone remember that UK series?), Ballykissangel (the old series), Friends (it ended, NOOO!), The Fast Show, Rory Bremner (i love him - worship him!), Will and Grace, That 70's Show, It's All Relative and Joey (it's looking good!)
HOBBIES / INTERESTS:
Being with my fiance, watching films, getting lost in a good book, writing poems and songs, playing my guitar and piano when i get a chance, going to the pub, going for nice walks, travelling and meeting new people, playing pool, listening to music, daydreaming
AMBITIONS
To finish my degree and hopefully travel to Australia some time soon. Or New Zealand... or both.... and America
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