I have my passions, my hobbies and my creative outlets. All of these combined with my convictions, beliefs, and the choices I make based on my convictions and beliefs all make up my life style and personality. These things dictate who I am and how others will perceive me. If I don’t know these things about myself how can anyone know “me”? They can’t! That is then where the problem is.
You are constantly being misunderstood by everyone even yourself. Lets face it our basic need our and our biggest issue is for someone to get us, to understand. The question is how? How can we expect someone to get us if we don’t even understand ourselves? You see all kinds of movies about it. People write all kinds of books about it. There are Doctors for it and it is what you spend most of your twenties in search of.
Tell me how many times have you heard or used this line: “Its not you, it’s me, I just need some time and space to find myself.” And every time we hear it or say it we think to ourselves what a cop out. But in reality it is exactly what the issue is. We don’t know ourselves so how can we be responsible in a relationship or anything regarding another person if we don’t know ourselves? How can that other person make us happy or contribute to our well being and happiness if we don’t even know what will make us contented? The person we are with may not even be the one we need or would ever be able to provide us with what we need if we don’t know ourselves.
I am 30 years old and still I am not sure what I want, or who I am. Sometimes I amaze myself with some of the things I do or say. I find myself in situations I never would have imagined I would be capable of being in. I do things that I can’t even comprehend the intention behind. In short I baffle my own self. And there by sabotage any relationship I am in. I am sure if we all took a look at ourselves we would all agree that we do the same thing. So my question would be when we finally know ourselves enough would we be able to have a productive and meaningful relationship that can end in a blissful marriage. And yes I meant end. Because for the most part our relationships end in divorce, which is not as it was intended by God. We were meant to have a life partner. Someone to share the years with, to produce offspring with and to give meaning to each others lives.
Unfortunately that is not how it is. We are too quick to fall in love and get married. We seem to be on a mission from birth. Get everything done and completed by the time you hit 30. School, car, job, marriage, home, one boy, one girl and that is supposed to make us complete. If we aren’t in line with what is the acceptable norm then we are labeled the terminal bachelor or a spinster. Instead of taking the time to seek out our ambitions and dreams and find out what makes us happy, sad, content, complete we race into a relationship and then are left trying to find those answers for two people. Then what happens, one day when you have kids and after all these years you finally find that your partner is not what you wanted? That he/she is in no way compatible to whom or what you are. Now you are going to get a divorce there by damaging your children’s lives and continuing the cycle of broken relationships. Leaving your children with a skewed vision of what relationships are and how little we value ourselves.
What is left is a broken family that is most likely in therapy. With two single parents that go on marathon dates to try and find a mother/father for their children. And the children are trying to love both of their parents without making the other parent jealous or hurting their feelings. The children are forced into, for the most part, playing mediator between the parents. A lot of times the children view this all as their fault and think if they only behaved a little more and did what they were told more often that “Daddy wouldn’t have left Mommy” or vise versa. All too often the Children are the ones who suffer and are left broken and scarred.
Why do we do this, when all of this could have been avoided by simply “finding ourselves”?I am looking for comments on this so if you click please comment.
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I am older than you and all I can say is that TODAY I know myself. I have been shaped from birth until this date into all that I am and all that I believe in and I have my views and opinions. But what I do not know is the me of TOMORRW , or the day after...etc , etc. Things will happen , I will change my opinions because I heard a wiser one from someone ...and such is the life cycle . Part of the joy for me is to constantly discover new parts of myself by living , loving and learning. Therefore I do not think there is one single person that will ever know themselves completely. And the one who says "well , this is just the way that I am....like it or not" is but a stubborn old delusional and narrowminded fool . And many marriages to survive and accept the constant changes and growth of their partners and they rejoyce in the journey and discovery together and allow each other the breathing space of not fitting into the same mold . You asked questions that of course we all do at times , however I do not think they can be answered. So enjoy todays YOU and look forward to tomorrows ( our age difference is close to ten years ) and I am not quite sure at what age I started to realise what I wrote here. Best wishes to you,
Reenie
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Alot of where we are searching these days has a lot to do with the experiences we have had. Keep asking yourself questions. It's the questions that will bring the answers and the knowledge and the knowing...Searching first comes from understanding, and understanding from believing that the madness can end if we are truly ready to explore. Often we enjoy the madness, the intensity, the drama. We draw the energy that we most crave to us. We bring the myriad of questions closer to us...until we are without understanding... The key to finding your journey - is to keep asking these questions, and so in this way - I applaud this effort and your search.. Good luck...
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I totaly agree with your view and through Christ you are wise beyond your years in your words. I feel the same way. You might be interested to read some of my other columns that deal with God. Thanks for the comment.
God Bless
Tammy -
A very intriguing write.
I must state that I don't have as much experience as you(I'm only in my seventeenth year), but here's a little of what I do know.
Here's what I thought was the jest of your write:
"Instead of taking the time to seek out our ambitions and dreams and find out what makes us happy, sad, content, complete we race into a relationship and then are left trying to find those answers for two people."
I can agree with this, when people don't have their lives straight and then try to bond their life with another, the only outcome is chaos.
But how do you find 'what makes you happy' when human impulses and emotions are unreliable and fickle? We weren't put on this earth to figure everything out on our own, we aren't even here to fulfil our every desire and get everything we want.
I believe in God, and that He has a purpose and plan for each and every person. And that only when we lay down what we want, (which usually will only end up harming us anyway) and take on His plans and dreams for our life, only then do we find 'who we really are'. I believe you don't even have a 'true' personality until you take on the likeness of Christ, because He brings out the 'real you'. When we ourselves try to do that, we can usually only bring out the worse in ourselves since humans aren't naturally good.
So all this to say that only when you have Jesus Christ in your life can you even begin to understand all that you are capable of.
Thanks for sharing your opinion and inviting others to do so. -
Good job
Wow. I 100% agree with everything being said here. Why do we as people look to things on this Earth to make us happy. Why is that no matter what we do- this country is full of broken people?
Great job and get opinions brought up. It really gets a person thinking about everything.
NIce job.
God Bless you,
Cassie -
You know I have to say. Yours is the lengthiest comment ever posted to one of my columns. I greatly appreciate the comment and thought you put into actually reading it and making a relavent comment based on what you read. If I could I would applaud your comment twice. I will instead settle for reading some of your and hopefully doing it as much justice as you did with my piece. Thanks again
God Bless
Tammy
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I disagree somewhat
The question is not so much whether any of this could be avoided by "finding ourselves", but more two other questions that are attached more closely to human nature. The idea of "finding ourselves" and then be able to lay out our life, plan our actions, and be happy forever because we know now exactly what we want, that is in my experience an illusion. Why? Well, what are the two other questions I hinted at...?
#1 Can we really "find ourselves" or is our personal being hidden from introspection by nature of our mind? One cannot be fully honest to him/herself as there is always wishes, ideas, goals, and imagination playing a role in how we admit to ourselves how we are, what we want, and where we want to go. Why is it that we often gain the greatest moments of insight by talking to others? Why is it so difficult to really find out what our feelings for a special person are in an objective way? Well, quite simple: this is not an objective matter... it is a truly subjective matter and thus is limited to investigation. That leads to the second question:
#2 Will we ever be able to "find ourselves"? I would say no because once we have "found ourselves", we would have found a snapshot of our intentions, wishes, ideas, and goals. As we investigate and discuss and examine this, we change our opinions and change our view of the world... In fact, our view on who we are and what we want typically changes a number of times in our lives...
So, what is the consequence? I believe in self-reflection. I believe in finding our what motivation one has, what drives one crazy, what makes us happy or sad, and so on... Investigation of one's own character and personality is important to understand what our life is about and what we can achieve. However, this is a process, not a state. We have to continuously follow that process to track changes to the outside world and our inside. We have to keep a tolerance and flexibility to be more reactive and less insistent on fixed rules that we have once accepted as right. Rules and particularily ethical systems of belief are based on assumptions on a cultural and social context. However, that context changes as we watch. So, what is persistent over the centuries are very general rules and beliefs, not specific ones we need in our everyday life. We get guidance, not specific advice on our daily problems and issues.
So, I have to agree with the diagnosis you make in your posting, but I have to equally disagree with the proposition of "finding ourselves" being the solution. Finding is something we do once and then we found it (if we're lucky). I'd like to see a more dynamic approach of constant reflection and verification. That will keep us alive and tolerant enough to keep up with the pace of the world. That and respect for our children will keep the next generations going into a direction worth a future.
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Sometimes, it doesn't matter how well you know yourself. People lie to others all the time. They play a game, make you believe one thing, when reality is something far different. It's the reason I'm in the middle of a divorce. Yes, my children don't understand it all, they're only toddlers. But they heard the fights. It tooks months to make them feel safe. Now, they sleep through the night. They eat when they're hungry. They laugh and smile. They don't tip-toe into my bedroom to see if I'm ok. They run in and jump on me, secure that I'll be up and ready to play. Not exhausted from another night of working and then fighting with their dad.
Yes, divorce is bad. But, sometimes, it's the best thing, especially for the children involved. -
Asking the right questions.
I know this territory very well without having to play therapist. At the age of 30 you ought to be able to move in almost any direction and not go far wrong. It is the begining of the very best decade in your life. You make a mistake in your first paragraph by saying that your hobbies, interests, etc. "dictate" who you are. Wrong. YOU let them dictate who you are. You created all of these things, you can come up with new ones. Farmers, bankers and Army offices are dictated to by their responsibilities. Their rythems are predetermined before they get out of bed. Well,I will stop here. Let it be said that you are the man and you must start from scratch. Writing a poem
is definitely a beginning. Saying a prayer, looking at yourself in the mirror, calling three people on the phone, playing hooky from work, cleaning out the fridge--all are starts. You are too old to be worried that much about your parents. Read Franz Kafka's METAMORPHASIS. See what happens when the breadwinner turns into a cockroach and the family has to cope without him. Good luck my friend. You will come out of this in good shape-unique, whole, and wonderful.
Edited on Jul 03, 9:42 p.m. because ''.
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