The Charged Reactor

There comes a time in life when everything just stops,
and living becomes meaningless.

There comes a time in life when everything just stops, and living becomes meaningless. Or rather, there had been times in MY life when I had become so bored, sad, disappointed, frustrated or angry with my life, that I spent days just sleeping all the hours away, pretending that dreamland is reality, and wishing that death would claim me as I slumber. It’s my own escape, and I do that –escape–, whenever I feel as if I’m already at the threshold of my pain. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not as strong as most of the people in this world, and I know that if the human race is really a race, I would be finishing amongst the bottom ones. I think I may have died emotionally, spiritually or what a couple of times in the short two decades of my life, and I’ve had someone pull me through that situation almost each and every time.

My first “death” happened back in third grade, when I found out that my father had a family other than my own. I could vividly remember my grandmother’s wake, how my mom, my siblings and I had arrived in our other house, and saw some other people’s names written as dad’s family. Then, I was too young to actually realize the gravity of the situation, nonetheless, it did not stop me from asking my grandfather why his son, my father, did that. It didn’t matter to me then that my lolo was already too old to understand anything. While I was too young to fully understand everything, I hated seeing my mother like that. I sought solace in my sister, who harbored the most pain and hatred. I do believe we comforted each other since we were the only ones, among the four children, who were old enough to realize what really was happening in my family.

Another one transpired a couple of years after that. I was touched inside a movie house, and I was so scared that I didn’t tell anyone, even my mom. I still had not gotten over that incident when it happened again, done by a security guard, during a concert. I promised myself that I’d never to go to movie houses and concerts anymore. Because of those two events, I had a hard time trusting anyone. The slightest of touches and stares would make me feel queasy and uncomfortable. For a number of years, I limited myself to only a handful of friends. This was also the time in my life when I discovered the therapeutic beauty of art.

The third “death” came during my preteen years. The PlayStation was my treasured friend, and I transferred all my teenage angst and frustration to all the hours beating the bosses and unraveling the story. During this part of my life when I often got bored, even with playing those videogames, I started writing stories and continued practicing art. Sadly, I did all of these during school times and my grades suffered badly. This lasted for 3 years, and I almost got expelled because I came a few digits away from having the maximum number of absences allowed per school year. All those three years, I've had my bestfriend watching out for me and kicking me when she felt that I needed to get back to reality.

There are still two "deaths" that I had encountered, but I feel that this is already too long, and it makes me feel incredibly weird writing something about myself and making it ridiculously long. I chose to mention these three, because they are the ones I consider to be already in the past, and I am already comfortable with sharing them to each and every one of you. I like to believe that the past is something that honed me, shaped my persona and brought me here where I am. I try not to regret anything, since I really feel that regrets are useless. It's true, that I dare not go back and experience all those again, but I HAD gotten past it, and I truly believe that is all that matters.

Pain is inevitable, and so is dying. I had encountered certain experiences in the past that made me feel as if I really did die, some even made me want to die. But with the help of those loved ones and friends, I was able to get past all those difficult obstacles and in doing so, I was able to discover the beauty of ballet, art, sculpting and writing.

I said it before, that I am weak. But in each of my friends and loved ones lie the strength that I wish to have. For now, they are guiding me through most of what I do. Soon, I know I shall become as strong as they are. After all, everything happens in time. I know this seems cliche, but this IS part of my life, and in this are some of my beliefs... ^_^ again, i found it really hard to write about myself since i rarely do this... wah.. anyway, sorry if this is a bit late, i asked justin for a couple of hours extension because i have school from mondays to saturdays.. anyway, thanks for reading =)

the title: The Charged Reactor, is the name given to people born on the 29th of September... it is so me... anyway, again, thanks for reading