| This is pretty much just a free flow brain fart. If it popped in to my mind, it was written down. And I am not editing a damn thing, so all mistakes are there for a reason. Missing words, bad spelling, it's there because I just let my brain have the mic for a minute. So fixing, editing, whatever... it would of defeat the purpose. So you'll have to deal with me totally unedited and reread this time around (not that the stuff I write is perfection anyway). Enjoy. |
Everything needs to end sometime, right? Life, the world, everything. No matter what it is.
I guess, right now, there more things that I want to have end than are really ending. Maybe it's a transition, maybe it's a wake up, maybe it's a omen inside my skull that is screaming that something is going to happen any minute now, I just have to watch for it or I may miss it. But then again, maybe I don't have to watch for it. Maybe it's already here. Maybe, deep down, I know things have ended and changed, and gone full circle, come back three fold, and some of it has bitten me in the ass and some of it has helped me on down the path of life.
Everything ends. Everything changes.
Some days, while I'm traveling down the road and everyone around me is silent, I just look out the windows. I don't see much past the trees on the side of the road. I don't see the strip mall fifty feet behind them, or the houses, or the people, or the insects that would annoy me to no end. I see only the trees. Ash, oak, willow, pine, you name it, I see them all. I smell them on the air, and my car is covered in their pollen. But most of the time, when I look, I also see the ground. The ground isn't really something everyone notices, but I do. I notice if there is grass, or if it's just dirt, or if it's covered in leaves that died God only knows when.
And, being the day dreamer and mind wanderer that I am, I imagine myself stepping outside of this vehicle and on to the ground. I see myself just running off in to nowhere and hiding, becoming some kind of wild beast that lives out there alone and lives off the land, never speaking, and not really being civilised anymore. Just being an animal among the trees, minus the strip mall fifty feet behind them.
Day dreaming, thinking, wondering, and knowing things change. I want the change that leads me away from everything that drives me insane. All of my bills, all of my work issues. Away from the people that irritate me day in and day out because I'm either not good enough to be around them, less than them, or God forbid I'm not perfect. The ones who remind me daily of my flaws and just won't allow me to accept myself and like what is there. No matter how many nice clothes I buy or how much make up I pile on to my face in some sort of modern day acceptable daily clown costume that the world expects from it's females. No matter what. I'm too slow, I don't do it right, and damn me to hell, I have some extra pounds. You can't see my ribs, stuff moves when I move. And I spent a lot of time hating that. But then there was that one day.
Somewhere between the day dreams and the thoughts of running off in to the woods to be an animal I caught a glimpse of myself. In all of my fat glory. And I realized something. There was a weird sort of flow to my body, it was kind of artistic, and it was something that can't be achieved by everyone. I had just the right amount of fat to make my body totally equal out and flow like a well written poem. It didn't look pretty, not by a long shot, and it didn't make me instantly fall in love with me. But what it did do was make me realize something. I realized that something inside of me had changed, maybe for the better. I realized this was the hand I was dealt... but damn it, no one else was dealt this hand, no one else could catch a side glimpse of themselves and see what I saw. I saw something created in the mind of a bard, something that flowed well and told a story. In every single pound of fat, in every inch of skin, there was a story, a memory, a person that made me laugh or cry, things I'd forgotten and things I'd take to the grave. No one else has that exact same thing, and not many can find that in a side glimpse.
But somewhere, I still want to run off in to the woods and live in a tree and speak to animals. I don't know why. And I don't know what it would get me. But it would get me somewhere that is away from here and away from the issues with work and family and just having to live in the real world.
This is pretty much just a free flow brain fart. If it popped in to my mind, it was written down. And I am not editing a damn thing, so all mistakes are there for a reason. Missing words, bad spelling, it's there because I just let my brain have the mic for a minute. So fixing, editing, whatever... it would of defeat the purpose. So you'll have to deal with me totally unedited and reread this time around (not that the stuff I write is perfection anyway). Enjoy.
Adding your comment:
However it is not something I would feel comfortable with in a public forum....however I do wish you fun with the contest
Penny
