Dear family,
I’ve had this premonition for some time. It’s probably just me being neurotic, still I hope that I’m freaking wrong.
I have this weird premonition that something’s going to happen, and I’m going to die young. That doesn’t really scare me too much. I’m more scared of the other things involved. Scared that if it does happen, it’ll happen before I accomplish anything. Sure I may have accomplished a few things in the last year or two, but I’ve barely scratched the surface on what I want to do. I want to make it to Epping, NH on my bike, I want to shoot for some sort of publication, I want to learn Italian and play guitar, I want to meet someone worth starting a family with, I want to bungee jump, and I want to do some more comedy work. Heck, right now, I really want to relax.
Dying doesn’t scare me, dying before all that happens doesn’t either. I’ve had a handful of shining moments, and I am thankful to have had them. But one thing upsets me, having to leave all the wonderful people in my life behind. Pam and Patricia, you keep me sane. I don’t know where I’d be with out the support of my adopted ma and aunt. Aunt Kat and Uncle J, you guys rock. I’m so glad you guys find me amusing. That goes for everyone else too. Jess, Beth, and Mal; y’all pick me up when I start getting overworked and stressed out. Yem and Jay, you guys have been inspiring me lately. I yet to figure out if that’s a good thing or not. Then there’s the adopted grandma I know in real life, the original honorary family member. Oh…she already went through this when her real granddaughter was murdered at her high school. It would break her heart if anything happened to me. Not wanting her and mamoo’s hearts broken was the only thing preventing me from doing something really stupid after papoo died. And mamoo…who would take care of her? I’m the one that made the promise to take care of whoever was left when either mamoo or papoo died. Who would take care of her if I wasn’t around?
I love all of you. I just have one request if it does happen. If I go, don’t mourn. I don’t want tears, y’all know how I hate people being upset. Besides, I’ll still be around. When you get the urge to run around the house and act silly (especially just in your boxers), when you get the urge to do an air harmonica set to a Stevie Wonder song, when you see something really cool and wish you had a camera, when you smile for no apparent reason; that’s me talking to you. Everything happens for a reason. My creation might have been a mistake, but it happened for a reason. I was put here to document life with my camera and notebook. If the premonition comes true, I can’t give you a reason why it was meant to be; but I’m sure there was one.
Again, I love you all.
The one and only,
Terri M. VenesioJust me being neurotic, trying to get that thought out of my head.
Don't worry, I'm not planning to do anything crazy.
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I know you still worry about this, and how hard it is to talk about it. Just hope it doesn't happen anytime soon I guess. It probably won't, but eh. Nothing in life is certian.
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Like I told Jess, babble all you want. Might have to bear with my weird hearing once in a while, but I'm a good listener. I totally know that feeling darling. Strong as people think I am, especially after grandpa died (I didn't even take time off school), I've been total mush on the inside. The guy I went to with all my problems was gone, so I had nothing. I have no clue how I made it through the first year, I still wonder how I do it now sometimes. I guess it was from being so numb at first and I just kept plugging away even though I really didn't feel like it sometimes.
I'm not afraid of dying. I've had a pretty interesting life so far, so if it does happen I guess I have accomplished a few things. Guess part of it is that I never got to say good-bye to anyone of the people that have died in my life. I felt especially horrible after great-grandpa, Aunt Lorraine, and grandpa died. Especially grandpa, cause I totally had the chance to say something to him the last time I saw him alive, but I was in a pissy mood because my mother caused a family-wide arguement and didn't say anything. I don't want anyone to go through that when I do go, whether it's 5 minutes or 50 years from now. I know papoo's proud and all that, but I sometimes wonder if I'm doing enough.
I'm so glad I've helped you in any way. You're very welcome darling. Babble my ears off anytime you want. I'm here to listen. -
Hey sweetie
I dont even know where to start. You dont know how close I was to giving up on everything just a few months ago. Where I felt like I couldnt handle a damn thing, where everything seemed to hard and like I had no one to turn to, but I was pushed.. once again I made it then once all the support left I was left with no foundation- with no one to turn to, here I am 18 single and a mother to a beautiful baby girl and I dont know if I couldve done it without your support(along with the family) I dont know if Id have Kara here.. Youve helped me and so many other people. I know everytime I do something that I know MIGHT hurt me (I mean small things.. getting into a car) I tell myself that even though Im young.. that Ive lived my life to the fullest and that even though at times Ive wanted more than anything to give up that my strength came back and helped me. I know Ive babbled on a bit but I do that and gosh darnit youve got to put up with me.
Malzy
Edited on Apr 19 because 'I put a "u" instead of a "y" on Malzy'. -
I'm not expecting promises. I really am not fond of the concept myself, as I've had many made by people only to have them broken. I only make them when I absolutely know that I'm completely able to follow through on them, and I still feel funny making them. Like I said, I'll still be around in some form; so don't worry too much about missing me.
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Awww Terrbear!!! This made me cry (although I know you don't like crying)!!! Like Jess said, I can't promise I won't cry if anything happens to you but I will try not to... I think you are one of the sweetest people I know and I would miss you a lot if anything were ever to happen to you!!!
Hugs and Love ya,
Beth -
No they would not use my legal name. I would spring back to life for about a minute just so I could smack them if they did.
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Awwwwww, hun. Thanks.
I know I've accomplished a few things, but I have so much more I haven't gotten too. I'm sick of tacking the words "One of these days" onto everything I want to do. But I wouldn't complain if I did die today, I've still done a lot of things.
Love you too darling.
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I have no intentions of self harm. The few times that idea popped in my head, well that was in the past and I didn't really want to follow through on it anyway.
Yes, I have done stand-up. I've only had one gig, but I have people wanting me to do it again.
Thanks Yem. And was that a mosquito, or was that you kicking me in the butt? LOL -
I know, it totally doesn't seem like we've known each other for only two months does it. I agree, it does feel more like we're sisters.
I'm not expecting you to promise me it Jess. I won't be like my aunt and tell you that you can't cry. I would want you guys try to keep my sense of humor in mind. I don't want anyone upset.
I totally understand the skin cancer thing. I still don't know what caused me to go looney and end up in ICU 10 years ago. It still scares me a little that no one could figure out what happened in my brain.
I'm not fretting it. Like I said, it's probably just me being neurotic. All of the deaths in my lifetime, I never got to say good bye. I had the opportunity to say something to grandpa the last time I saw him alive, and said nothing. I guess that memory just gets to me.
Babble on all you want. It's perfectly fine by me. -
You aren't allowed to die, because then at your funeral they will use your real name!
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Well, hon I think we all worry about wheather or not we acomplish anything in life or not before we are called home to rest beforeour Heavenly Father. And some times we don't see our accomplishments , but they are there just the same for the Lord ans all the world to see and share in.
But I think your greatest accomplishment in life is that you love unconditonaly, you accept folks as they are and love them for who they are.
And like Patricia said when it is your time to go home to the Lord, I will rejoice, who would not want those they love dearly to go home to the Father.
We love you and you are truly a member of this family here in South La. You are the sunshine on my rainy day.
Hugs and kisses
Love you
Kathy -
Let me tell you something, and not as the clown, but as the semi-normal guy I am. You're not going anywhere. Hey, i now know your name and if you don't cheer up, I'm gonna go find you and kick you in the butt!
You're young, and leave any foolish self-harm notions in that crazy cranium of yours! You have tons of time to accomplish things! Still, you were able to express emotions for friends (and I made the list! Excuse me, I have to go strut around the room!) and that will come back to you 10 fold!
You have really done Stand-up? Wow, am I impressed! I mean, in awe and reverence! Serious.
You're a great person--you have to be, you're the female Yem!!!! lol
But you still might need that kick in the butt! -
Awww, sweetheart, I know you hate tears, but I'm a basket case lately so this brought them to my eyes. Hell, they aren't even in my eyes, they're everywhere! Of course I have to make a mess even when I'm crying!
But dearie, I adore you; I know I haven't known you that long, but I've come to love you as much more than a cousin; You seem more like a sister to me. And I wouldn't have it any other way hun! You have brought me so much happiness in the few months we've known each other and you just seem to understand me a little more. I can't tell you if that's a compliment or an insult but it's something.
I can't promise I will not cry if/when you are gone. That is something I can't ever promise, nor would I want to. If I promised that and then broke that promise I would forever haunt myself over that one broken promise. So if I do cry, I will do it in the shower, because I hope you won't be watching me in there.
But to let you know that I do understand what you are dealing with, hun, I got a scare that many teenagers don't get. Hell, a lot of people in general don't get it (as far as I know). I mean, how many people can you say you know that have been told they may have skin cancer? Probably not that many. It was horrible to think that I may have something that could kill me and the treatments make you so sick and weak. I was/am terrified. Since they don't know what's wrong with me, it's just as nerve-racking if not worse than if they had told me that I had it. But I've decided, I'm not going to to go in for them to poke and pester me anymore. If they have found something, they will tell me. If not, then I am going to live my life as I would anyways. No use wasting this precious time worrying over something I can't help or prevent now.
As for the whole, you wanted to do something before you depart, well, hun, i'm in the same boat. I want desperately to have kids before I pass, and hopefully before my gramma, my mom's mom, passes. I could skip college and skip the career if I were a mom. That's all I've ever wanted. And I think part of that is because I was told I couldn't have kids anymore. But I still want to have kids and I will. I would prefer to have my own, but if that's not possible, I will adopt. And yes, somedays I wake up and wonder if I should focus on school and such or having kids. I mean, if I were to get pregnant tomorrow, I would be so excited. But I'm trying not to go looking for that. LOL!
Anyways, I'm sorry hun, that I'm babbling about this when you are terribly affected by it. I know you already know this, because it's you who helped me to find out that this is true; things will happen in their own time, for their own reasons, no matter what you or I can or will do. So, don't frett over it, don't frett over getting everything done, don't frett over us missing you and crying a bit, don't frett over how it will happen. Trust me; I missed this entire week fretting over that. I missed out on so much and I regret it; that is the one thing that sucks; regretting that you didn't do something. And there are so many things I didn't do because I was too busy worrying about dying.
But know that i'm here hun and please, if you need to talk, let me know. I just want to help ease your pain if i can.
Big hugs
Jess -
That's why I wrote it. I want people to know that I don't want them upset. Scream Stevie Wonder at the top of your lungs, just don't cry. I don't know if I'd go strait to heaven or not. Not my choice. If I had my choice, I'd be playing softball all day while grandpa watched from the bleachers, talking to me when I'd come in to the dugout. I guess that would be heaven, wouldn't it?
I told grandma to contact you, and where to find the number. You'll be fine, I have a feeling, and I'm usually right about those things. That's what scares me about this one.
Love you my darling aunt. -
TerrBear, my beloved little girl, you have brought so much joy into my life in the few short months we've known each other. It would seem unbearable if you weren't around, but I have to admit that I would celebrate your life and rejoice at your death. I know your beautiful heart would take you straight to Heaven, and who would not be happy for that!
I love you so much, my sweetie, and I pray for your safety, but I also pray that God's will be done in all things. You are precious to me. Just make sure that someone knows to contact me. I will do the same in case my tests show something terribly wrong.
I don't know what else there is for me to say except that your life is being beautifully chronicled in the hearts of those of us who love you very much. No one really thinks they'll have enough time to do all they want to do, but it's all God's plan--not ours. Thank you, my dearest, for writing this. Love and hugs, Patricia ♥
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