Mistakes are mistakes no matter how you look at them, but what you take from them is the important part. The more you learn and bring out of it the better it was in the end. Unfortunately over the past 4 years I've had to learn this the hard way, but I'm telling you I wouldn't have it any other way. The experiences I've gained - good and bad - I wouldn't take back for the world. I am probably the most grounded 18 year old I've met. Now here's my story. The most rewarding thing I could ever dream of is someone reading this and not doing the same, or reading it - doing it, then perhaps preventing someone else from doing it.
This is a story of depression, addiction and loss.
On December 30th 2000 a friend of mine, Nick, and I made our relationship official. It was a typical teenage relationship - I was a Sophomore, he was a Junior and we went to separate schools, but he lived just 3 doors away from me so it was a match made in heaven. It didn't take long for things to start going down hill and we broke up. Not long after that we got back together and this up and down roller coaster continued for 4 years, every breakup initiated by me. I lost my virginity to him, we got engaged, and if you ask any friends or family we loved each other stronger then most adults. Unfortunately I had a problem, something I refused to admit. I wanted to cut myself, I would throw my body against the wall, my head against the wall, punch doors, throw things against the wall, break anything and everything, I wanted to die - I would be so incredibly cold - showing absolutely no emotion at all. But just as soon as I thought it couldn't get worse and I'd have to get help things would be fine, everything would be fine. Finally after 6 months of engagement everything came to an abrupt halt. In January while things were bad I started seeing my boss at Arbys. In mid-January I was diagnosed with genital herpes. I had an STD at 17 and had only slept with 2 people, it wasn't fair. In early March he left me completely - he told me he couldn't talk to me anymore, and you better believe he didn't. In 2 weeks he had a new girlfriend. I completely lost myself. I had to be with someone, anyone and I let go. I slept with many people and thought it was ok..but it wasn't. I got a rep quicker then you can imagine. Then in July i met someone special, Jimmy. At that time I had two jobs, Arbys and a factory job I worked 6a-1pm. I started spending tons of time with Jimmy and one night I'd been up all night drinking (literally, all night) so he offered me an Addorell (this is medication for ADD). I had SO much energy, I hadn't felt that good in years! Quickly I became addicted. The effects it had on me were as if I'd taken Speed..essentially it was speed, in prescription form. This is something ADD people take ONCE a day. I was up to 5 pills a day. I started drinking a lot, smoking marijuana, I was a complete mess. Then on January 13th 2005 I made the biggest most selfish mistake of my life. I partied hard in Cincinnati, then got it in my mind I HAD to go home. So I left Cincinnati to head home - 120 miles away. I made it about 80 miles before I got pulled over. To this day I thank God I killed no one, or myself. I had a .195 blood alcohol level. That's TWICE the legal amount for someone 21! Besides the fact I'm 5'2 120lbs. I had to have an angel on my shoulder. That's when I knew I had to go get help, I went to the Psych and am currently on medication for Bipolar I. I have so much farther to go, but I'm already feeling the effects of the past.
So you're asking, what is the point?
I LOST EVERYTHING. I lost the man I thought was my soul mate, I lost the respect of my friends and the people around me, I lost the respect of my family and my own parents. I was a disappointment..and why? Because I was too stubborn to get help. It is NOT normal to want to kill yourself. I don't care if everyone you've ever met has thought of suicide at one point or another it is NOT normal, talk to someone. I've lost so much and I still have to serve 3 days in jail, pay $335 to take a 3 day astop class, I have no car, tons of debt - and it's not worth it. Risking my life and others, it's not worth it. I was lucky, you might not be so much. Don't be stubborn, don't be scared, get help.
This is incredibly important to me
Adding your comment:
they usually have their hands full don't they! 
