Rambling About My Life

Me rambling. If you don't know me, don't even bother reading unless you can keep from bashing me.

All of my life, I have always been put down because I couldn't accomplish or do what was expected of me. Every time I would come home with fifties to seventies on tests or whenever my father saw my report card, he would always tell me that I have to try harder or do better. What I could do was never good enough for him.

He always criticised me for my bad habits and my weight when I was a kid. Saying that I was so hungry that I had to pick my nose or that I shouldn't do it. Saying that I was too fat and I shouldn't eat so much. Telling me that I was stupid and whatever else.

I guess I wasn't a good enough daughter for him. If I had been, he wouldn't have started almost completely ignoring me after I went into grade five. He made me feel like a failure. Maybe part of the reason was because he wanted a boy. I turned out to be a girl. I guess that was my first fault or flaw. My first mistake. Or maybe the mistake was my mother's from his point of view. He used to yell at me for almost no reason. Maybe that was just to take out his frustrations because I wasn't a boy.

In the middle of grade eight, he finally decided that he didn't want anything to do with my mother and I. He told her himself that he didn't want us. He was drunk. He was an alcoholic. He used to abuse my mother physically every now and then and she would just continue to cry and scream at him, as if it would help.

After that, I had a few tears to cry, but overall, I rarely ever did. Went to a new school and lived with my mother. Barely tried in grade nine after so long and still passed it, though mom kept telling me and telling me that I had to study more and try harder.

Since she didn't have my father's faults and flaws to concentrate on, she could now concentrate on mine...She yelled at me for not doing the dishes or complaining about vacuuming the carpet in my room. She yelled about Robert staying too much and eating all of the food and that he had to put his own share in the house.

We moved to another apartment after I finished grade nine. I didn't go to the graduation. I didn't see the point and it didn't feel right. I didn't like going to parties where I hardly knew anyone there because then I would feel lonely and out of place. Bad experiences. I doubt I'll even want to go to my high school graduation party...if I ever manage to graduate.

My mother continued to yell and scream at me for not helping out enough and kept nagging at me to try harder. When she found out I started cutting, she forced me to see a counselor by lying to me and telling me that if I didn't, I'd have to go to a mental hospital, which is impossible. Cutting isn't a good enough reason to have to go to such a place. I felt betrayed.

Ever since before we moved out of the other apartment, she had suspicions about Robert and I. She kept asking if there was something going on between us and I kept saying no because she kept threatening to not let us see each other if there was. Pretty stupid thing to say if you want your child to trust you. However, she eventually found out the truth and made life even harder for me. It wasn't like our arguments didn't already last more than an hour.

She always wanted me home at a certain time and if I was late, she would yell at me for it, as if it was my fault. You'd think she wouldn't mind me staying out a little late to spend time with some friends. She always bugged me to spend time with friends and when I get the chance, she yells at me for coming home late or something.

As if that isn't enough, she accuses me of walking all over her and disrespecting her all the time. All I do with my life is try to do my school work, spend little time with friends, and try to make time for myself. Then she complains about me not making time for her. How could I want to be anywhere near her when all we do is argue?

No matter what I try to do or how I do it, it's always wrong. When I try to study, I get easily distracted. When I try to do what my mother tells me, it's not done right or soon enough. When I can't or don't have time to spend time with friends, they complain. When I'm depressed or anything, people complain and if mom sees that there's anything wrong, she won't leave me alone even when I tell her that I don't know why I'm depressed, which is usually true.

When I say I'm going to do something or when I make promises, they get broken. When I try to get things done and understand things, I always fail the tests. When I try to study and even when I do it successfully, it's not enough time or I just can't remember anything and I still fail. I'm not good enough for my family, society, school, friends and sometimes no one. I'm not even good enough for myself.

My family on my mother's side hates me because I am in love with my cousin. If anyone has a problem with that, I don't care, just don't bash me for it. This is my time to vent. You didn't have to read this if you don't know me.

My grandmother and Robert's mother blame my mother and I for it. They think I am a bad influence on Robert for helping him think for himself. My grandmother even called me a bitch and then denied it. Whatever comes from her mouth is a lie. She hates me and denies that. She once said that I belonged in a mental hospital.

I'm a complete failure in my mother's eyes. She was threatening to kick me out the entire weekend and told me I had 'til Monday to decide whether I was going to do whatever she wanted or leave. That was only just last week. I almost did move out, but then she came crawling back wanting to 'work things out'. She didn't want to lose her daughter...

She lost her daughter a long time ago.

I'm so sick of being mistreated and screamed at. I'm so sick of being a failure and never being good enough no matter what I do. I'm sick of even trying because it doesn't do any good. The only thing keeping me here is my real family. My friends and Robert. They are the reason I am here. I feel like such a failure and an idiot a lot of the time. I also feel ugly. I never got any slack for what I looked like or anything. I was reminded almost every single day of my life somehow and the constant reminder drops my self esteem an inch everyday.

This isn't even half of what I've been through or my thoughts. I'm not good with recollecting things over the years. I absolutely suck at it...

OK. I'm done.

By the way, don't pity me. I don't want pity.