Through the years, I've come to the conclusion that I don't act like the typical girlfriend. I've found it hard to talk about my boyfriend like he's the best thing since sliced bread. I always acknowledge his faults, as well as my own [of course].
I cannot put how much I love my boyfriend in my profile or diary. I've tried very assiduously to change this about myself. Perhaps the relationship would last longer if I had acted more lovingly? This is the hopeful result of my current efforts [i.e. my author picture].
For certain, I can pin point the reasons behind my lack of overt affection: my mother. It's obvious to me that her lack of hugs, kisses and 'I love you's had effected me. I am, by no means, saying this is a bad thing. I have grown to be used to it and it fits easily into my character, but many people do not understand. For many years, I would tell my mother I loved her and rarely would she return the sentiment. I knew in my heart that she loved me, but she did not voice it without reason to. Later on, she explained this to me. She felt as if she was being manipulated into saying it back.
The other reason is the more bitter of the two. I hate admitting this fault of mine. I want what I cannot have. Yes, it is human nature, but I try to convince myself that I want someone purely because I do -- not because I cannot have them. It takes a brutally honest person to hold a mirror up to my face and tell me what I am; this person is my mother.
Maybe I will gradually grow more affectionate towards the one I am involved with, but it will take much time.
-30-
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So obviously you have been doing alot of thinking lately. I didn't see this when it was up but I found it now. I know that you want coughcough and I wish I could help you get that but I am sure that Michael is good for you also. I know how your mom is and yes, I do believe this did effect you in great ways but either way you are still a great person and I wouldn't change you for the world. Stop worrying about what is the best thing to do, but instead start thinking about the best thing for you and what you want other than coughcough because that is just an obvious one. Great expression of thoughts, loves and hugs.
Gem -
I love it. It's so true for everyone, and still personal to you at the same time. I agree with wanting what you can't have, it's happened to me more than once.
-your cuz is back <3 christina -
Becoming aware of what you write about is the beginning of a journey that may be rewarding. The struggle to cast off the conditioning we are trapped in is the only road to personal growth. There may perhaps be many disappointments, but if you see now that it is like you call it a fault, you are already more mature in your development than most of us will ever be. I see the result of similar situations every day, from close, intensely and agonizingly. Had your mom known the consequence of her behaviour toward you, she'd bang her head against the wall. Or perhaps she was victim of a treatment just like it. Hopefully you have the determination and power of mind to escape from the chains of lovelessness. Take care,
Rage -
Interesting..... must think on it abit.
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