Dear Jade,

This is actually a letter I wrote to another poet here on AP

Dear Jade,

Allow me to tell you my story:

I met Elizabeth the first day I moved into rez in 1st year of university. She was residence staff - the floor senior (a second year student who is there to act as liason between dons and students, mediator, resourceperson, etc. really cool person). I fell in love with her at first sight. I don't know what it was about her. Pretty plain looking. Bought all her clothes used. Was on crutches. I don't know what it was that attracted me to her but I knew I was, and it scared me - I wasn't even out to myself back then. All I knew is that I wanted to be close to her. As it turns out later, she didn't know what she was herself, but I'll get back to that later.

Like I said before, I was really afraid of my emotions for her, but I knew I wanted to get to know her. So I started doing funny little things, like leaving messages for her on her door (everyone had white boards on their rez room doors), making friends with the people whose rooms were around hers just so I could be close to her, changed my routes out of the building just so that I could walk by her room. We had a lot of common interests, so that was always something to talk about with her. One of the funniest things I did was walk around rez with this little stuffed bird, and I'd make this bird talk to her bear. It was actually really funny. So gradually we struck up a friendship and all was going good. What I didn't know is that there were 3 other girls who liked her too - I guess gaydar exists after all, haha.

On Halloween night, Elizabeth was on floor duty, handing out candy to the people who were partying safely. I was about to leave to go to a costume party, when I passed her in the hall. She was holding a cd in her hand and looking rather perplexed. She showed me and said that a girl she didn't really know from another floor had given it to her. On the cover was a drawing of a man and a woman kissing, but the man was wearing a surgical mask. The girl who had given it to her was named Patricia, Pat for short, who my best friend had known from high school. My friend had "warned" me that she was a lesbian when I first met Pat (My best friend can be so naive sometimes). I was really interested in getting to know Pat too, just as a friend. I eventually intended on asking her about coming out. Pat didn't know that I knew about her sexuality yet, but I knew something was up when she gave Elizabeth the CD.

Pat started dropping by our floor more often, doing some of the same things I was did at first (like leaving notes, making friends with people around Elizabeth's room). Almost everyone in residence left their bedroom doors open when they were in. Sometimes when i walked into Elizabeth's room when Pat was there though, I felt like I'd interrupted something. But I didn't care. I just wanted to be close to Elizabeth.

All I could think about was Elizabeth. I even changed some of my routes to class so that I could walk with her (well, she biked on account of her bummed leg and crutches, but whatever), or meet her part way. To make sure I got to her before Pat woke up, I would wake her up when we both had early classes so we could go to the caf together. Anything to spend time with her without Pat.

When I went home for Christmas holidays, all I could think about was Elizabeth. I had always known how to play guitar, but I actually went out and bought one so I could have something else to do with her (that was aweosme - we played a coffee house together when we got back to school). I dreamed about her every night, just wanting to be close to her.

Things started changing when I got back to school in January. Her door was often closed whenever Pat was around. When I woke her up in the morning so we could eat together, Pat was often already there. How was I supposed to get close to her now? Study time of course. I studied with Elizabeth at the library, at the park by the water...one of my fondest memories of that year is sitting on her handlebars as we biked home from the library.

Pat and I lived in the same city. Over the summer, Elizabeth came to town, and stayed wit Pat of course. It was then that I asked if they were going out - which they DENIED! So I believed them. The three of us had a lovely couple days together, going to museums, movies, watching the sunset. I knew if I tried hard, I could get close to Elizabeth again and tell her my secret.

When we all got back to school in the fall, Elizabeth still talked about Pat alot. We all rented appartments near the university. Elizabeth and Pat lived a couple blocks away from each other, and I a couple blocks down from that. I often had early morning clinical (I'm in nursing and we had to be at the hospital at 7:00), and I often saw Elizabeth's bike locked outside Pat's place. I guess I had failed.

Don't get me wrong though, I still talked to Elizabeth a lot. But I gave up on ever telling her about my real feelings for her. Then one day in December, she stopped talking about Pat. I stopped seeing them together. Elizabeth wasn't the same person anymore. Something was gone from her. In February, we arranged to come back from reading week early. She wanted me to come over for dinner, she wanted to show me a movie - a foreign film: Aimee and Jaguar. So I did my research. Aimee and Jaguar is a movie about a Nazi housewife who falls for a Jewish lesbian, then comes out to her friends and husband. (Interesting, somewhat annoying movie - you should check it out). This was it! Elizabeth had fallen for me! I knew it!

So I went to Elizabeth's that day. I was so nervous, and so was Elizabeth. We ate, we watched the movie. Elizabeth wasn't her usual self. She made us tea and we went to her room. Elizabeth normally speaks her mind, quite intelligebly too. She's so smart that way. She was really quiet though. So I babled on about random stuff while trying to get closer to her. Oh, it was so bad. She must have thought I was such a loser. And that's when she brought up the reason she picked the movie - it was sort of like her and Pat. That's when she came out to me. I wasn't surprised at all, in fact, I laughed and told her that I knew it from the beginning, even before she did. Pat was her first lesbian relationship ever. And then, then I came out to her. I was surprised that I didn't cry. I wanted her to say she loved me. But she didn't.

So I told her all about the other lesbians in our rez who loved her, what they did, how they used to hang out around her room just so they could watch her. I almost told her that I liked her, but I was too scared. What if she didn't say the same? She wanted me to come out to everyone like she had, but I told her it would have to wait til I was comfortable with who I was. She told me she would help.

The town in which our university is situated is very socially left wing. There's lots of resources for Queers. We went to a movie at a Queer movie festival - and guess who was volunteering there, but Pat! I think I went very red, because the next day Elizabeth told me that Pat had asked if the two of us were going out! Elizabeth went slightly red when she told me this too. I wished I had said something then, because that's what I wanted.

Elizabeth and I both became very busy in the last bit of the term, but we made plans to study and hang out together during exams. I was staying at the university for the summer, taking some courses and working for a couple departments. Normally, Elizabeth stayed in the summer as well (this would be my chance, i thought), but she informed me she was going to volunteer abroad. I wish I had told her then.

I sent her postcards a lot over the summer, but she only got one. I received a very random e-mail from her near the middle of August - she was coming back to town! we immediately made plans to see each other. One day, we decided to take the ferry accross the lake to the island. And that's when she told me that her parents had kicked her out, that she had been adopted and that her parents were really her aunt and uncle, and that her real parents were drug addicts, her brother went to boot camp for discipline problems. It was so awful. She caught me completely off guard. She knew I had it bad, what with my own waring family, but I would have never have imagined it from her. She's such an intelligent person, I knew she'd see holes in whatever I told her. What could I say? I was so nervous, I let out a small laugh. And that's when it all came crashing down. We got off the ferry, I got us some free ice cream to cheer her up. We said nothing on the bike ride home.

Then it was frosh week, which I had to run. I left my stuffed bird in her mailbox, with a note on him saying that even though i wasn't around to listen, he would be. I had my faculty's van, so on a free night I gathered some of our mutual friends together and we went stargazing. Elizabeth was lying beside me, but she seemed much more pensive that her usual self. I wanted so badly to say somehting, but I couldn't with all the people there.

I've sent her e-mails since, seen her at guest lecturerer's speeches on campus, tried to arrange times to meet. I don't know if she's just really busy or purposely ignoring me. I've been so sad ever since. I wrote Elizabeth a letter explaining my reaction and left it in her mailbox. That was in October. I got an e-mail back saying that we needed to arrange to see each other. But I've never heard back. I still think about her every day.

The moral of the story, dear Jade, is to tell the people you love that you love them. Tell them every day. Even if they don't return it, it doesn't matter. Just tell them.

On another note, be hopeful. I may sound discouraged, but I have hope. I have a new job with the student government and Elizabeth has a job with the Engineering Society here on campus. We'll both be around this summer. She is also staying an extra year, and being a don. I have time yet.

I hope I helped you to understand.

~Elsie
This is actually a letter I wrote to another poet here on AP. Comment if you wish; this story is true.
~E.P.W.