~*~*~*~*~
love...?
*smiles*
sometimes I just don't know how to say it but...
I love you...
~*~*~*~*~
After not being able to come back here in a couple days it's always nice to be back where I'm loved.
*smiles sweetly*
and yes, I'm seriously gonna have this as an ongoing thing.
*hugs everybody who missed her*
now then...um...K I have nothing to say right now.
*shrugs*
ah well
~*~*~*~*~
thinking...thinking...I can't think. fifty words and meaningless metaphor take over my head and cloud it. Words of whispered encouragement and looks of awe sorrow and life overtake my being. I am haunted, not sure if I'll be able to sleep tonight, as I wasn't sure if I could have yesterday. Humbled by myself. Helpless but trying...trying far too hard. I digress.
~*~*~*~*~
K so I'm reviewing a cd for an article I'm writing, it's called "You Need This" and is a compilation of Canadian Artists. It's pretty good so far. Anywayz, just wanted to say it. blah!!!
~*~*~*~*~
couldn't sleep at all last night, so i'm tired and cranky and blah!!!
I have a new trophy it appears, a silver one. yay!
~*~*~*~*~
had a fever all yesterday and my head hurts and i feel like crap today. And I have a test, so I can't just stay at ome and recuperate. *looks around sulkily* I get this feeling I should be slightly delirious or something, it's kinda amusing that way.
~*~*~*~*~
I wish I could be petty. I mean everyone always is, but I just don't seem to have it in me. My mind says "y'know, you really are being unfair" and weak me, I listen to it. crap.
~*~*~*~*~
life is a funny thing. I woke up today to my dad calling me to the kitchen cause it was flooded. Apparently my mom put too much soap in the dishwasher. so I spent the next little while cleaning that up. I'm completely awake at this point but I still crawl back to bed in the hopes of a little while longer. My dad comes into my room and tells me to be careful not to slip today. He's slipped and my mom has slipped, he says if I slip he'll have to tell my little brother to slip on purpose. just laughing now. So this was my morning...well, i did get a brilliant phonecall but...yeah.
~*~*~*~*~
*sighs* I am a case for panic attacks and paranoia these days. I go to my old school because I feel in control there. I feel...knowledgeable, and I've really been feeling stupid. My mind keeps thinking "oh my god oh my god, I'm going to fail everything, I don't know how to do this, I *can't* do this!" and every time I talk to my love, I feel stupider and stupider and less and less needed. I know it's stupid, I really do...perhaps I just need some sort of...something.
~*~*~*~*~
Well, I'm doing a book review for the Link, that's something I least know how to do right? read.
~*~*~*~*~
today i am jealous of all those comments people are getting. I don't get all these comments. The first two poems I go into, just posted yesterday, have more comments that mine get in their entire existance. !!!!!!!!
rant finished. Thanx for tuning in.
~*~*~*~*~
feeling a lil down right now, though i have no reason to. Everything is going fine, i'm just being a lil weird on my side.
~*~*~*~*~
Names are important.
~*~*~*~*~
*bites her lip*
god I feel so unloved right now, so...wrong.
*sighs*
what's wrong, tell me whats wrong?
I can't do this. can't survive. I've died so many times the last few days, I've rotted and screamed and hated my stupid stinking carcass.
I can't do this.
I can't
~*~*~*~*~
I really need a friend.
I come onto my messenger and there's no one I can talk to.
I come here on allpoetry and there's no one to talk to at all.
There's no reason to do anything some days.
~*~*~*~*~
la la la I feel good and bad at the same time today.
I was thinking, it's interesting what people want and they may not even realize they want. I've come to the conclusion that for all people talk about honest and cute and ambitious...all we really really want is for someone to absolutely adore us, to think we're the best thing on the planet. just my two cents anyway. It's a thing.
~*~*~*~*~
I miss the having of friends. The people I would call my friends, I haven't seen in such a long time. I miss them. I miss them. I miss them.
They don't even seem to have any reason to talk to me these days. all my efforts to talk to them on messenger are...relatively fruitless. I get one word replies.
I don't know why I try. They obviously don't hold much store in my friendship. Oh wait, I do know why I try. I feel so alone some days. I need to care for people. I need themto care for me. Usually it's only the former that gets fuffilled.
am I such a horrible person that I'm not worth caring about? I'm not worth the effort to click a button and say hi once in a while? My absence is not worth noticing?
~*~*~*~*~
Today is this columns 1 year and two month anniversary. Happy belated birthday and two month whatever.
*throws confetti dispiritedly*
~*~*~*~*~
I got angry at my love today because he made me feel baad about something and I knoew I didn't deserve it. I distracted myself with thoughts and eventually I wasn't mad anymore. When I hung up however, I was wracked with doubt. Maybe it *was* my fault, maybe I did deserve it.
~*~*~*~*~
god, I can smell him still, I can taste him, and I can't fucking concentrate!!!
wow, I feel a whole lot better.
I love being with my love, he makes me feel so needed, so protected. He's my favorite person to be around. I feel so unsure of myself, so screwed up when I don't see him for a while.
la la la
~*~*~*~*~
I guess he's right, you never do forget your fisrst crush. If you're smart though, you channel that energy into another direction.
I may have lost his friendship over this. All I can say is, she'd better be worth it.
I hate her right now.
I'm crying.
~*~*~*~*~
all of tonight I have been languishing in melancholy. it surrounds me like honey in the air, I am suffocated to death by its sweetness.
I need some happiness in my life. I need someone to solve all my problems, i'm getting so tired of solving everyone else's.
This thing with Eric is absolutely ridiculous. He hasn't even noticed that I haven't said a word to him since that fateful day. It makes me feel...insignificant. Like I don't matter. I suppose I don't. Still, I could pretend. If it wasn't so hard.
for some reason, I started reading "a softer world." That's probably why I'm so...something. It tends to creep up on you neh? and strangle you like spiderwebs.
miles to go before I sleep.
~*~*~*~*~
In this life I'm simply searching.
I have been assured that there is something in this world that I am good at, above average at, and while I endeavour to find it, I find more people who are better at it than me. No matter, I like to surround myself in these people and drink of their intelligence and passion. Meanwhile, I'm searching for a cause. Everyday I come upon so many causes I could take up, that I would love to take up, but they simply aren't mine. So I search on.
When I was young, i got along with people who were older than me and I got along with people who were younger than me but I could never seem to relate to people of my own age. I suppose I can chalk this up to my lack of desire to "fit-in." I have this uncontrollable urge to not fit into people's expectations; as soon as someone starts putting me into a box I need to break out.
I'm not a very petty or resentful person and this poses a great deal of trouble for me sometimes. I often wish I was able to hold a grudge or stay angry but I guess I don't have it in me. It sounds all fine and dandy right? Most people can't possibly imagine what the problem in this is. It's that people can say anything to me, horrible things to me and I'll probably still forgive them. It also makes me not very assertive and I think this rubs off on people because they usually either a) try to take advantage of me or
protect me.I'm very bad at doing things for myself so when it matters, I try to connect whatever I'm doing to someone else. That's one of the reasons I actually like working in groups although I know a lot of other people don't. I can let myself down but I can't let other people down. In the same vein, I can't have fun unless everyone else is having fun. I think I get my party planning skills from my mother, our parties always have to be perfect and we're always flitting around making sure no one feels left out or bored.
I'm slightly insane...but only slightly...which is largely because I surround myself with actual medically insane people and live vicariously through them. I live vicariously a lot and I'm always interested in what's going on in people's lives.
I'm an Aries with a Taurus moon and a Virgo Ascendant (as anyone who read my soundbite would know) and while I'm not sure about the virgo bit, the rest seems to fit me fine. According to the color code by T.D. Hartman, I'm a white personality which means I have a motive of acceptance (meaning I want to be accepted though I suppose I could accept you as well.)
I'm just me, I guess.
~*~*~*~*~
sometimes I feel like there's this big hole in e and I'm aching to fill it but I don't know how. So I go downstairs and have cookies and milk. I listen to my music. I read my stories. It goes away for a little while but it always comes back. I wish I knew what it was that I was missing because sometimes I start crying and I have no idea why. I wish I knew. I wish I could fix it. But I cant.
~*~*~*~*~
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