I realize that I know none of you personally, and that anybody who will be reading this will only see a meaningless screen-name without knowing that there is a real person here. That anonymity is a cloak that I feel I can use to my benefit, because I know that I couldn't possibly say this to the people that I need to say it to.
Right now I feel so angry, so hateful, so... utterly hurt and betrayed. Answer me this, how can you connect with someone so fully, care for them so deeply, and think they are your best friend... and then be betrayed by them. Perhaps I was naive in my thinking.
Perhaps a bit of background information would be wise first. I am an 18 year old male. I have fallen for, in the entirety of my life, exactly 02 females. That is it, no more, no less. That is not to say that I haven't been attracted to others, but only to say that there were two whom I feel I had a deep connection with. One of them I was in a relationship with, but she ended it without reason... which might be why I was so reluctant to want to get into another relationship.
Then I moved away, I moved away from the people and places that reminded me of her, and I started to feel more in control of my life. I began to lose that sense of being locked in a vortex of sadness, loneliness, and memories. So I begin to move on and eventually I find another girl, cute, funny, whom I seem to connect to immediately... with one obvious downfall. She's dating someone else.
I remember what happened to me. You see, I always harbored doubts that my ex had found someone else and just didn't want to hurt my feelings. I wasn't going to be that guy to another relationship. I wasn't going to break up a happy couple, so I settled for being friends, but I always felt that subtle pull, that silent thread. I felt there was something more there, and up til a little while ago, I thought she did too.
Lo and behold something happens between her and her boyfriend. I don't know what, I don't even know if they actually broke up, all I know is that I receive an e-mail informing me that there is "something there" between her and one of my other good friends. I don't know what to do right now. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I care for her deeply but at the same time I hate her so much right now for making me feel so tiny and small again; for putting me back in that vortex I thought I had escaped. Everywhere I go now, I see couples, happy people sharing their lives together, and I can only think "why not me?"
I'm just about ready to give up on trying. Perhaps I was just destined to be alone. I must just be that unlikeable that nobody can have the same feelings for me, as I have for them. I must suck at reading signs too, because I thought she felt something too... but no. Nothing.
I never realized I was so unlikeable.
I just feel so....
...
...
...
...
empty.
Life is so confusing lately, and I feel so hurt and betrayed.
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