Is this my life?

Whoa.... When did this happen?

I'm sitting back, looking at my life. I mean really looking. And I'm wondering... Where am I going?
Lately, I've had a lot of worry on my shoulders, worry that I've brought upon myself. I know God has a plan. I know this, but I'm not on speaking terms with Him right now. It hurts to say this, but it's true.
Last Friday, I went to a Church lock-in with Tj. He really wanted to go, and was all excited about it, so I went.
It was everything I expected it to be.

They did the same thing every church does. The youth leaders listed off a bunch of sins, (several of which I don't agree with, but that's a different matter), explained those sins, played soft music in the background and caused everyone to cry and get emotional. It happens everytime.
Difference was, this time, I wasn't crying because I had "Grieved God" with my sins. I was crying because I miss my best friend, who God took from me. I know, I know. She was in SO MUCH pain, and her going to Heaven took away all of her pain, so I should be on my knees thanking God. Well, please, forgive me, because I can't find in my heart/soul to thank the One who took my best friend from me, and left so many people with hurt/pain.

The youth leader said something (this is paraphrased) "If you're having hard times in your life right now, it's because you did something wrong, and God's trying to teach you."
The only hard time I'm having right now is the fact that my best friend is gone. So, according to this teaching, I did something wrong, and now She's gone. What lesson am I supposed to learn?
My former DCFC always told me, "Everything in life is either a Lesson or a Test." Right now, I think my life is both.
I left home in hopes of actually moving forward with my life, getting things done, achieving my goals in life. Classes were full at the college, and I can't seem to find a job (though I do have a large stack of applications that need to be turned in).
I guess what this comes down to, is that I miss Her. I miss Amanda. I know I've hurt people by leaving, my family being one of them. I honestly do feel terrible about it, but I don't know how to fix it, other than going back home and "admitting defeat". I know that's most likely what they want, but I won't do that. I don't know what to do. I love being out here, everyone's so amazing to me. We sit down every night and have a real dinner, with no one jetting off to college, or work, or wondering "Where's dad tonight?". They take care of each other, even when they don't have the money to do so. This is what family is.
I love my family, I do. It's just, everything's so different. Me and my sister aren't nearly as close as we once were, and it's probably my fault. I was so busy getting out of the house as soon as I got my license, that I probably ignored her.
I hid my pain from my family.... Just like I hide my pain from Tj's family. I've only shown a few select people my pain. I just don't open up.
I'm running from God. Angry with Him, and afraid He'll judge me. I just, I can't deal with the thought of Him judging me, when I tried my hardest to stick with Him but the curveballs I got thrown caused me to fail.
I can't deal with the pain I've already got, and now it appears I've got more deal with. Completely my fault.