Out the Window

The girl sits on her bed, staring out the window. She wants to cry but the tears won’t come. She’s cried for the last time. The pain just numbs her now. There’s no way to release it. Her life has fallen to pieces. Everything she once knew is crumbling at her feet. It all seems so hopeless. So useless. She feels so worthless sometimes. She finds herself wondering, “What’s the point?” She’s searching, but she can’t find the answer. All she finds is mass confusion.

She found a boy. He was so sly. So cool. And interested. In her. She didn’t know how this was possible. How could a boy like that like a girl like her? It had never happened before. This was all so new to her. So she really can’t be held responsible. She never signed up for what happened. She was just kind of thrown into this life. She never knew so much could happen without attachment. But he faked caring so well. Everything fell right into place. Boy, did he know what he was doing. He had all the right words. All the right looks. All the right text messages. All the right body language. And perfect timing. He didn’t dare miss a beat. His tricks were the most profound, most useful tricks anyone could ever come up with. Half the time, she wondered how he played it up so well. I mean, it seemed impossible to pretend to care that much without caring at all. But that was the case. He played her. Just straight up played her like a fiddle. Used her, abused her, threw her away. Forgot about her, remembered her and picked her back up. Just to start the process all over again. And every single time, she fell for all his tricks. She was even aware ahead of time. She knew everything he was known for. But even being warned didn’t help her. He played up the whole maybe-I’m-changing thing so well. Told the most perfect lies that she couldn’t help but believe. He figured her out and used all of her weaknesses against her. A drive under the stars, being outdoors. Even singing a song to her. He knew everything she loved and used it against her. It just took her way too long to see it. Instead of realizing he was playing her, she thought he was just everything she wanted rolled into one. But that rarely happens. He did everything right, but meant none of it. And that’s not even the worst part.

She knew another boy. He was slightly awkward. A little less cool. But so funny. Not the cutest but fit her style. He said and did all the right things, and actually met him. But somehow, she screwed it up. She doesn’t even know how. Maybe she focused too much on that guy who didn’t mean the things he said that she lost track of the one who did. Or maybe the fact that she pushed him away, because she was so scared of getting hurt. Who knows? But she thought everything was good. They talked. He said she didn’t screw it up. He said they were cool. They hung out. She laughed till she cried. She wanted to kiss him. He even managed to make her forget about everything else but the two of them. She didn’t even notice that the room filled up with people. She was so focused on the two of them, their conversation. Nothing else seemed important. It was like no one else existed. Those moments don’t happen a lot. She thought it meant something. So she wanted to hang out more. She liked that feeling of being the last two people on the planet. She managed to convince him to hang out again later, or at least thought she did. But then he ditched her. She had no idea why. It was the strangest thing. He said she was attractive. He said getting to kiss her was good incentive to quit smoking. None of it makes sense. It’s like, for some reason, he just became uninterested in her. She had no idea why. She felt so betrayed. Even though he promised he would never betray her. And to make matters worse, she saw him the next day, with a “friend” of his. But he’s seen him with this “friend” many times now and gets the feeling that there is something else going on, especially with the way he didn’t say hi to her the last time. But it’s not fair. He seemed to have everything she wanted and more. He paid attention, did the little things, spoke in metaphors. It all seemed so perfect, yet somehow went wrong. She wants to get it all back, but can’t figure out how. It seems no matter how hard she tries, nothing works. And now he’s gone forever. She lost him and he wasn’t even hers.

And then there’s the ex. Well, one of these exes. He’s having trouble with his current “girlfriend” so he calls her. She missed him so it was nice to hear from him, but it was a terrible situation to be hearing about. She hates seeing him upset and knows how in love he was. But she tries her best to be there for him and give him the best advice she can. However, throughout this process, old feelings start arising. She missed being able to talk to him. He calls her every day now. And she likes it. The familiar is so comforting sometimes. And it would be so easy to go back. After all, now he’s single. But things wouldn’t be the same. And there’s no way her parents would like that. But it’s a possibility. But it’s so confusing. After all these years of being convinced that it was over, and that nothing would ever become of the two of them again, he comes back, seeking help. And everything just unfolds. Maybe there are still feelings there. She does still love him. She always will. Although he hasn’t changed much. But that was her longest relationship. She’s so confused. She wants to be there for him, but she doesn’t want him to get attached. And she doesn’t want to get attached. A long distance relationship is the last thing she wants right now, even if she does still care deeply for the kid. But that’s just it. He’s still so young. Yes, he’ll be 19 soon, but experience wise, he’s so far behind her. And definitely not as mature. But that’s the one thing she loved most about him. He brought out her kid side. They would always do stupid stuff together and act immature. But it was all okay. She misses that. But they could have that as just friends, right?

And then there’s the other ex. The one that wants her back, calls her amazing. She has to admit, she loves the attention. But she doesn’t want to go back. Yeah, she still cares about him, but the feeling’s gone. He’s one of her best friends, but there’s no spark anymore. He’ll only be a best friend. She hates to crush his hopes like that because she does care about him. But only as a friend. Although, she must admit, she likes the attention. But she can’t lead him on. It will only hurt more. Although, she’s told him. Who knows what hope he’s holding on to now, but she’s pretty sure she’s made it clear. If not, she has now.

Then there’s the most recent ex. The one she’s not over. He started to come back around, although who knows how long it will last. And he wants to see her soon. That’s not a good idea, and she knows it. She still loves him. She’s still in love with him. And there’s no way in hell she’s over him. So what can she do? Absolutely nothing. He’s got a new girlfriend. She has no clue why he’s coming around again. He said he wants to try to fix her. After all, he is the one that broke her. He broke her so bad. So many empty promises and lies. He’s the reason for her wanting to push people away. Every time she tried to get away, he’d come back. She’d be hesitant but then let him in. Then he’d go and leave her again. It was a vicious cycle, a terrible summer. But she has survived, somewhat. But now he’s coming back around. She wants so much to be with him, for things to be like they were at the beginning. But it can’t happen. Not right now. He hasn’t proven himself. And he has to do that. And that may take months or years. His philosophy right now is that, “Maybe down the road…” But then again, maybe not. She doesn’t know what to do. Her heart is screaming for him, but is also running from him. He broke her heart so badly, yet she still loves him anyway. It doesn’t make sense. She’s never felt this way about anyone. It’s so insane. She never knew you could love someone so much and be willing to go through so much pain just to be with them. It seemed almost impossible. But at the same time, she never knew one person could cause another person so much pain. It’s unreal. She never thought she’d feel such pain in her entire life. It’s a tough situation. She loves him so much but hates him all the same. She misses him but never wants to see him again. It’s so hard.

So she stares out the window, wondering what the hell she is going to do. Nothing makes sense anymore. She’s trying to look on the bright side but can’t seem to find much of one. She didn’t ask for this, but then again she did. Now, all she wants is so clarity. But it hides from her. She can’t find peace. She can’t find hope. She can’t find true happiness. Misery is her only company, and boy does it love her company. She lets out a sigh of disbelief. She can’t believe that her life has come to this. Because, really… No answers lie out the window. Yet that’s the only place she looks anymore. Out the window, into the distance.

Maybe one of these days she’ll see hope coming her way.

Or maybe she’ll see the end of her days.

Whatever comes first, she’ll see it out the window.