Loneliness

Just a few words on how things have been going the last few days.

I guess it would be easy to call me a loner. It's not that I don't like people (most of the time anyway), I just don't seek them out. I have a problem with crowds of people, which can make parties and social functions seem like years in the happening. I've found a happy middle, I think, but it's still obvious that there's a lot of me that I can't show on the surface.

Two months before now, I was living wherever I could because the power in my house had been terminated. There was a string of unfortunate and altogether unfair events that led to this, but I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, funds were tight and I found myself without the place I called home. So, in a fit of brilliance, I managed to work out a place to work and stayed with my aunt and uncle who lived close by. It wasn't perfect, but it kept me from spending an arm and a leg to drive to my job and allowed me to learn a little more about people who, until that time, had been friendly acquaintances. For a time, I stayed with them and did what I could to repay them for letting me stay in their house. I faltered here and there, but it was very fulfilling. I got used to having people, whether it be my cousin (we'll call him 'Toby' for the moment) or with the other inhabitants of the house.

And in time, the power was returned to my house. Things were looking up, and I was happy to be going back home. As many have said before me, there's nothing like sleeping in your bed after a long time away. As the days rolled on, however, I found myself missing the ever constant attention that I didn't know I had grown to enjoy. I didn't have Toby with me to constantly keep me company, and within mere hours I felt myself slipping into the dark state I used to be in a good bit of time during high school. All the same, Toby did not stay gone for long. We had a few more days here and there where we stayed in close contact, talking or watching movies or blowing enemies away in a favorite video game. It wasn't quite the same, but I still had some of the drug that I had grown fond of, that attention that was always there even if you didn't know you needed it.

It is only lately that I have found myself falling farther into my dark place. I let the "need" of that attention consume me... and I believe it has sequestered myself away from Toby. I brought it upon myself, yes, and if I had only caught it sooner, I could have prevented it. I find myself so... so angry and upset and I want to cry in frustration. I try to find other outlets, but they all seem so hollow when I compare it to a person's laugh, their smile. It is now that I feel the warmth of human companionship slipping away from me, warping me into a creature willing to trade that all away for a skin made of stone. I can't tear myself away from the ever growing fact that I am, and will be for a time, alone, and I cannot bear to think on it.

I want to scream, but my voice has died in my throat. I want to cry, but my tears have dried. I want so much, but there are forces in this world that seem intent on taking it away from me, and I have no power to stop it any longer.