the earth and clay of her hips
(Boot Camp Week)
The rivers flood with intimacy into
wine glasses dusty and abandoned in molded
cupboard of grandmother's kitchen. Her eyes
dark with moist memories
when she gives a faint smile
as cross of ashes sweeps across her chest as his tongue once did.
But meeting him in her hips
these eroded structures of earth and clay,
graves her children have curled deep in her womb
murmuring in soft olden tongues; she said her
mother killed them with desert flowers
and tea and infidelity.
In the dirt of Istanbul
is when she dug herself deep enough to reach him.
The softness of her mouth said it all;
We made symphonies of flesh as Mozart and death
in the lonely winters held inside old men
as artwork blotted in the crooked arthritic fingers
and missing limbs. And the soft breeze as he found God
along the flesh of my thighs.
Comments
-
95
Originality 10
Creativity/Poetic device 9
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10
Cohesion 10
Emotion/personality/edge 9
Impact/Reaction 9
mechanics: 5
rules followed: 5
diction/verbiage: 5
syntax: 4
Title: 5
overall opinion: 5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 100
Great.
-
94
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 4/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 94
You did an awesome job.
-
93
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 7/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 4/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 93
There are parts of this where I'd edit the line-breaking to place emphasis where it is supposed to be, hence the lower score for that section of the rubric. Other than though, this is very well done indeed.
Laura
- This was just wow.
- "The rivers flood with intimacy into
wine glasses dusty and abandoned in molded
cupboard of grandmother's kitchen. Her eyes
dark with moist memories
when she gives a faint smile
as cross of ashes sweeps across her chest as his tongue once did." WOW. Great opening!!!! The imagery is absolutely amazing.
"In the dirt of Istanbul
is when she dug herself deep enough to reach him." These lines really hit me for some reason. They just sort of packed a nice punch emotionally.
This is a really beautiful and emotional piece!!!
Best of luck.
Love Always,
Caroline
-
-
Beautiful
This poem is beautiful and the picture at the end sums it all up, just one quick thing I noticed....
The rivers flood with intimacy into
wine glasses dusty and abandoned in molded
cupboard of grandmother's kitchen
should it be in molded cupboards or in a molded cupboard... I'm not sure I stumbled a bit with that image...but over all excellent images good job and good luck! - Sigh.
I feel better now.
This is lovely, and sweet, and sad and lovely, all at once.
I wont break it down and tell you what I loved best, because I loved it all very much.
How sweepingly romantic are you at times?
Amazing honey.
Love,
Mama Jin -
great job
i love this i love the emotion in this piece great job hun keep up the good work i love it alot keep it up keep on going stay true stay sic peace out and have a nice day -
"The rivers flood with
anintimacy into
thewine glasses, dusty and abandoned, inthemolded
cupboard of grandmother's kitchen. Her eyes
are dark withthemoist memories
when she gives a faint smile
as cross of ashes sweeps across her chest as his tongue once did. "I added commas in line 2 - it keeps the thought more organized and flows a lot better.
I crossed out filler words. Without them, the imagery is brought out better and flows better. Also, it makes less wordy and more concise...hence my suggestion to get rid of them.
Same thing here:
"mother killed them with
thedesert flowers""in
thelonely winters held inside old menas artwork blotted in
thecrooked arthritic fingers"
In line 2, without "the" there's some emphasis placed on "wine" - which is an important word because of the imagery you were projecting. That's another good thing about getting rid of filler words, not only does that improve fluency, but helps with emphasis too.
Another thing I noticed was the excessive amount of pronouns. In here, it seems like there's just no way around it. However, the sound does get repetitive, so in future entries I suggest that you avoid using pronouns this much. The judges will mark down when scoring if the sound of the same words jarrs in their mind.
Otherwise, I don't have any criticism. I thought this was beautiful. I loved the imagery in the first stanza. What a great opening! And the creativity and emotion was consistent throughout and the ending imagery - and the whole idea in general - was a "wow" factor for me.
I think this poem is much better than last week's poem. Once your filler words are removed where necessary, if you remove them, then this will be ready.
- You're killing me, lady... An excruciating beauty, wow... Tis a pain I am more than happy to endure two-fold. I have no words, I've been staring at the bloody cursor for two minutes. There is a certain hint of melancholy here.. nostalgia, ache... The fact that this piece is based on truth makes it even more harrowing. Absolutely divine. Apparently I still had some words left, go figure, lol. Smashing, dear. You've sent this poor black heart aflutter. Bravo.
Swirling in gray memories,
~S.
-
well done
I read for more then just ryhmes and simple emotions. I like to find myself drug into places and feelings that makes that make what I've read stand out in my mind and this one does that very well. I think I've found another someone to follow and I will read more from. -
- This piece says so much of what makes you up, the past to present in blood and genes. I like it so
C
Adding your comment:
styx
we stutter when we speak of those feelings
ugly chimeras that hide
beneath the tongue and softness of eyelids
to grow larger and tasteless than our livers ever have.
we stutter,
desperately with lisps that permeate feelings
across the river of styx and at the shore of everlasting death
we kiss and run hands through the cloud lining of hair
and part like newly gossamer lovers
to love forever
in the empty gallows
we've hung flesh as thick curtains
and written our sorrows in the sinewy veins,
hoped to spell the untranslatable words to Gods
but they stopped listening long ago.
- X Factor 2: Top 24 Final Auditions - Group C by sideways hourglass. 400 points, ended April 23, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
Comments
- Your grasp on creating creative, intriging figures of speech is amazing. This reads fluidly, beautifully even because of the sound devices applied. You've done wonderfully well with the allusion.
However, I have to say that I thought the piece could have used more line breask and spacing simply because the write is so full of awesome imagery and feeling. Long lines in many places clog the brain with many things all at ones and some of the most brilliant wording I've read in a long time were suffocated; pinched into too few lines and too little creative spacing.
Overall though. Great job.
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 7/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 9/10
Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 4/5
Title: 3/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 90
- i think when you speak of multipule gods you
don't capitalize. though i am not positive on that.
i love the graphic, disturbing images this gave.
peace to all ~flight - Some of your images threw me off, but others worked wonderfully. I didn't like how there was something hung in the empty gallows, and also how lovers and love were placed right next to each other. That being said, this is well done. I really loved the image "we kiss and run hands through the cloud lining of hair" - that is fantastic.
I didn't understand why you used livers in here, perhaps it has to do with your mythology... you're missing your author's notes/explanations.
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 8/10 -definitely felt a disconnect between stanzas two and three.
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 3/5 - you do not have the author notes that explain how your mythology relates
diction/verbiage: 4/5
syntax: 3/5
Title: 4/5
overall opinion: 3/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 83
-
- The significance of liver in greek mythology is the equivalent of what we call the heart. It is a symbol of passion, purity, and most of all, power.
-
- That's pretty cool.
Follow the rules next time! Or I'm going to get out the boxing gloves.
-
- Sorry, maybe I should have mentioned that, right? I didn't think, really. Ah...
-
-
-
-
87
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 8/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 4/5
rules followed: 3/5 - notes.
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 4/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 87
This was pretty good, but I didn't feel anything from this - which is unusual because usually your poems are filled with emotion. This one seemed rather distant. But it is still very good. I think a stronger ending would have helped too - it's a haunting line, but... I guess it's just a personal opinion kind of thing.
What you have here is pretty good, regardless of my criticism.
- Loved this.
-
- I must say, this poem is both dark and light. One minute I feel good about it, the next minute it scares me. I like it when something makes me feel several emotions at once.
Great write as always! - Mankind clings to myth and ritual, even speaking in tongues, perhaps hoping that God can translate. There may be future generations trying to translate the words of poets from our time as we attempt to translate ancient scrolls, perhaps slanting them with our own spins. This is timeless poetry.
Outside Time and Place
Could I ever become someone no longer rooted from the floor,
not unfelt from the soft fluctuation of your tongue?
We would not speak for love would go unheard
as hopes to feel you, ugily gripping my heart as a forest.
I see you as a spider web caught in the sunlight, I caress,
until we erupt foolishly into wings.
Could I have sung the skies into these wings
become a phantom, spilling upon your floor?
Spread as something only you can caress
back into living with your moistureless tongue?
For I am nothing; could carve myself dead in the forest,
and not care if I shall be ruined and unheard.
Could I have wished this traitorous heart go unheard
formed as dark familiar, sounds without wings?
In a late place of dreams reclaiming distance in the forest
where love has aged and laid gossamer loves upon the floor;
it was the smeared kohl of your fingers, dust of tongue
that should have felt like magic in its caress.
Could I have truly longed to feel your caress
ache with the gentleness that was your voice, unheard?
Find myself embraced in the swollen indentations of tongue
as ships have traded themselves away as my wings;
wrapped you delicately in my dreaming mind until this floor
had found me, separated from I in laughing forest.
Could love songs have ever buried me in the forest
given me the joy of flesh as a gentle caress?
In the dawn, only parts left themselves in the floor
and oceaned tears lined upon your naked shoulder unheard
By long sobs that have shaken these wings
and lied inexplicably bare upon your tongue.
Where only my heart has lied upon your tongue!
I have cast away archaic love here in these forests,
have felt your embrace enough to destroy my wings
and send these boundless winds as only a longed caress!
Forever, I am, gone, these last dispiate hopes, unheard
and all of me is still silent and desolate, unnamed to your floor!
Why are wings not enough to release me from your tongue?
These decaying floors never keeping as your heart died beneath the forest,
its sounds caress me, until I died here in your arms, unheard?
- X Factor 2: Round One (Top 16) by sideways hourglass. 600 points, ended May 6, 15 entries
Honorable winner
Part Two --->
Adding your comment:
